I am a really amazingly spectacularly foul mood today. I don't think I've ever felt quite this medley of guilt, disgust, shame, fear, sadness, and anger.
I want to go back in time, to when I was a child, and life was simple, and there were no secrets. I want to go back to the time before I had nightmares every night, before I was afraid of being touched, and before I knew what it's like to be betrayed, over and over, by a friend.
I want to go back to the years when I could love without questioning every minute of it, asking: am I hurting this person? Would they be better off with someone else? Am I worthy?
Before tainting first kisses and knowing what it's like to be grabbed against your will.
Before feeling that there was a standard to which I would never live up, no matter how much I wanted to.
I want to be a little girl again, back in kindergarten when we all wore dresses and I didn't know there was anything strange about only having male friends.
Before I started being nerve-wrackingly afraid of pregnancy.
Before I knew quite what it's like to have someone trying to force their way into your room, in the middle of the night, and being the only one who can do anything because you weigh 90 pounds and you're the bigger of the two girls sleeping there. I shouted and banged right back, and never told anyone.
I want to be seven again, back when I was sure I would grow up to be a knight, and I found the most pressing obstacle to this my inability to do cartwheels.
I want to remember what it was like before anyone told me I was stupid, evil, cold, worthless, or crazy.
I am so tired, and the only thing I want is to forget all of this and study. But it won't go away.