The thing is that most of my persona is built up out of things that I'd like to see in other people. Passion, enthusiasm, easy laughter. I'd hope it wouldn't be overwhelming. I find that I'm drawn to energy. Exhausted by it? Occasionally. But mostly, I enjoy it.
I just sort of wish that other people enjoyed it, too. I get so tired of trying to suppress things.
Yeah, I can totally relate to this. In my mid-teens, people would tell me all the time "You think too much." Even intelligent adults. I would just dump loads of my mental process on people who seemed to be interested in the subject. I always had a very passionate tone, expecting others to appreciate the energetic sincerity and be motivated to offer whatever they felt in return. Most people just found it exhausting. I cared too much about things. I analyzed too much. I tried to dig into problems and figure them out, where most people just wanted to vent and forget. It was off-putting for most people, especially from a 14-16 year old.
Then at 16, I visited a couple friends I'd known online for a couple years. Three of us were sitting and talking and I was sitting upright/leaning forward. I didn't feel really tense, but this was a really special occassion and I was very energized and engaged. They were both like "Holy shit relax!" and demanded that I lay back and sink into my chair. They would make a big deal out of it until I complied and hounded me about it all day.
I became much more conscious of how intense I appeared from then on, and I think it's done me a lot of good. The effort annoyed me at first, but somewhere along the way a positive feedback loop developed. More relaxed composure led to having an easier time around people, which led to being actually more relaxed around people... and now I do pretty well for myself.
I still "think too much" and those who know me are aware of it, but I've learned when it's appropriate to express those thoughts and how to be less overwhelming in general. This just takes time.
People being crappy
Yeah that really sucks. Just remember that there are plenty of people that don't suck, and you can't let past traumas prevent you from finding those people.
But I don't know what it is, really. Maybe it's a barrier created by my "strangeness." All the same, though, it seems that other people manage to be strange and socially accepted. Probably 9 people in the class identified as "verruckt," i.e. zany/crazy.
I guess they just meant "not quite that crazy."
I've found that everyone seems to think they're crazy somehow, but few look at this self-assessment very objectively. I think everyone pushes the boundaries of the cultural contexts they were raised in, which is why they see themselves this way and they act zany and joke about themselves on top of that to accentuate the character... but they never honestly compare their boundaries with others to realize how small they really are. I observed this with my wife's family this past weekend, who are hardcore southern baptist conservatives, who seem to believe that thinking inside the box is the new thinking outside the box and loved to make jokes about how wacky they think they are. All I could do was chuckle, as it would be very hard for me to maintain a peacable presence with them if I revealed how 'crazy' I am by comparison... and there are plenty of people much crazier than me out there.
So I really don't get why people use this sort of act to endear themselves. It's like "I'm totally crazy, but not really!" "Hey I'm totally crazy but within mutually acceptable boundaries as well! We're totally awesome!"
Author
Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9795065 times)