It could be that people sense your tension, or are daunted by your energy. Not in the sense that you're hyper, but that you try so hard at everything you do, which most people can't or wont. I had people comment on these things about me when I was younger, and I spent years practicing the appearance of being relaxed around people, which seems to have resulted in being more approachable. I still get jittery (eye twitches and shakiness) when trying really hard to be sincere or engaging in conversation or social activities that are new to me.
Yeah, I've been told that I come off as overwhelmingly enthusiastic, energetic, and engaged. I wasn't this way when I was younger, usually preferring to just be quiet and neither talk nor make a facial expression. It's not even that I'm trying that hard most of the time, or that I'm very loud. I speak more quietly than most students. I do laugh more than most people, though... a heck of a lot more.
But, as my Russian professor said, my "lazily not trying" is more effort than most people are capable of expending at all.
The thing is that most of my persona is built up out of things that I'd like to see in other people. Passion, enthusiasm, easy laughter. I'd hope it wouldn't be overwhelming. I find that I'm drawn to energy. Exhausted by it? Occasionally. But mostly, I enjoy it.
I just sort of wish that other people enjoyed it, too. I get so tired of trying to suppress things.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but why? Those are exactly the types of problems that should be discussed with people who are expressly willing, and at an appropriate stage. They're very hard to resolve alone, and only fester over time. I can understand locking things away after having shared with the wrong people, but eventually that needs to be seen for what it is.
Mostly because I don't have anyone to discuss them with.
Told my "best friend" I had Asperger's around when I figured out (I self-diagnosed before being actually diagnosed, though in both cases of professional diagnosis it was pretty much immediate =/); she went on a long diatribe about how much I disgusted her. I'm pretty sure that, despite deciding that she also has it, she still refuses to call it anything but "
are" ("that thing far away from both of us," in Japanese). Of course, that's better than what she used to call it--"
sore" ("that thing close to you, but not to me.").
After similar experiences with my parents and, ultimately, my boyfriend, I've become a bit uncertain about sharing. It was... very hard for me to be open about it, even here, but I found that I kept on having little outbursts where I would expose myself more and more, so that finally I just laid it out there.
That helped a lot in terms of stabilization, but now I'm kind of coasting along at "a little bit below okay, with dips into very not okay."
*sigh*
I'm... sure I'll get over it someday. At the very least, these forums help me a lot. Even if my mother keeps on telling me I need to spend less time on the internet.
@Vector
Hm... how odd is it that my first instinct was to offer to PM you my phone number in case talking with a voice would help? This was immediately quashed by the realization that this is actually a really weird offer to make over the internet at essentially random, and further that (IIRC) you communicate more effectively and are more comfortable with text anyway, so in practice it'd be, "This is an awkward silence that costs money."
It's kind of you and I'm doing better with voice than I had been, but... you're right that it is kind of strange. In any case, I really appreciate the proto-offer =)
Doubt that helps you, though, so I suppose more important is the sympathy I am attempting to convey. Good luck.
Well, you're right in that it is something I already do. I guess I'll just air a bit more laundry, though, because it's helping a bit.
The thing is that I seem to be able to gain people's respect, admiration, and friendliness very easily. I think that the people in my class generally like me well enough. They seem comfortable with me. Same has gone with my courses last semester, too.
But there's something that doesn't quite work.
I know that someone once explained that it was me effectively taking the alpha role in social situations--not by force, but by automatic protocol--while failing to fulfill the alpha role correctly. I kind of doubt that. The person in question was a sort of supremacist. He put me on a pedestal then and ripped me off of it later.
But I don't know what it is, really. Maybe it's a barrier created by my "strangeness." All the same, though, it seems that other people manage to be strange and socially accepted. Probably 9 people in the class identified as "verruckt," i.e. zany/crazy.
I guess they just meant "not quite that crazy."
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9456016 times)