Hahaha, man I feel depressed. Almost down enough to use ellipses. I think I need a motivation to drive me because I don't have anythiiiiiiiing right now. I felt pretty down this whole weekend. I think my enjoyment of things would multiply hundred fold if I felt positive, but I really don't feel positive at all. I really do keep to myself too much. I don't let anybody hear my problems and I suffer from within. So why don't I say something?! I don't know I don't know I don't know. Thinking about it, the only thing I could tell them was "I don't ever feel happy" and then what from there? I can't predict people's responses too well but they'd probably want me to figure out how to feel good? I don't feel good, at all. I feel entirely foreign to my own body and I want out. I want to be free and released, airborne like a wispy spirit. I don't want to be locked in a shell that responses with monotonous yeses and nos. If my parents told me to go out and hang with my friends I wouldn't be happy with that either. I actually enjoy being with myself on a computer or some such, because I actually get to leave this world at least partially. What I don't enjoy is having to "live my life". Hrrmmm, I guess that makes me want to be a complete nobody right? I've already said to myself every night that I want to be forgotten, that way my parents and family and friends wouldn't feel any grief if something happened to me, but that isn't going to happen. I can't be forgotten and there's nothing I can do about that.
I'm pretty sure I've already contradicted previous statements I've made, but this is how I feel right now.
Very very very very very sad.
Toony, I just want to let you know that I deeply sympathize with your feelings. I used to just go to sleep, and then not up in the morning. I didn't work, or study, or exert any effort towards any goal in life, because I just didn't want to deal with it. I just wanted to live in my fantasies and disappear.
I want to tell you though Toony, that life gets better. Like, alot better. You're extremely intelligent Toony, and you're good at everything you set your mind to. The problem though, I think, is that you're bogged down by other's expectations of you. I found that the moment I gained my independence, I gained the perspective that my talents and efforts are mine to use, and in the very fact that you have a much greater hand in how you live your life, helps you look forward to the future.
Trust me Toony, it's great. Just be patient, you'll get there.