What I mean is, I feel constrained and imprisoned, not because of any outside force, but because I am compelled to be a quiet, logical, tactful human being through years and years of mentally torturous self-flagellation, to train myself to never err from that path that guarantees tangible, quantifiable success. Any emotion I might have, no matter how strong, is kept safely tucked away so that it will never interfere with my life choices.
...
Often, I feel as though I am a demon, living as an evil person on the inside, but acting as an altruist on the outside. I am often furiously angry with my fellow man, but not an ounce of this anger shows. When confronted with a problem, I just want to lash out violently at it's perpetrator, as though I were a beastly thug, but my reasoning forces me to act tactfully, as though I were a diplomat. Most people would consider this a positive trait, but I feel that I'm just mentally gaming my fellow human beings into approving of me, of thinking of me as a nice person they can rely on, when in reality I think so poorly of them and would like to tell them what I really thought.
I honesty can't relate to the fixation on material or stability, since I've never had any real desire for anything but satisfaction. Stability or success is just a means to have free time to pursue other things I want. But I can relate to the rest of your attitude. My fear has never been material loss, but failure itself. I turn around from starting relationships because I don't want to go through being shot down; I didn't give up on college, whatever other ideas I might have had, because I didn't want to disappoint my family or lose the opportunity to finish; I turn down long-shot adventures to get a job in a far off place, because I don't want to be stranded there and hate where I am, even though I already hate where I am.
And it extends into my anger management. People who've ridden in my car know just how angry I can get at people I don't know when I can yell at them without them knowing it, and those people who've ridden with me don't know the half of it, when I'm alone. But I never lash out, I never get in anyone's face. I get snarky and a little bitter at times, but I always try to check myself, because I know from experience that passive-aggressive douchebaggery just makes things worse. I sometimes find myself thinking I should actually confront someone, not violently of course but just exert some verbal presence and make clear what's ticking me off. Some of it's just that I want to prove to myself that I've got some spine, and some of it's because I think sometimes people need to be confronted so they'll stop doing something they have to know is angering me.
But I never do it, because I don't want to cause a scene or be known as an angry, confrontational person. Indeed, I don't want to
be an angry confrontational person, even if I'm the only one who knows it. The irony is, people who hang around me even at my most controlled and managed still get the sense that I could snap at any minute (which I never have), and that really does worry me. I've gotten a lot better about just not thinking about stuff. But there's still anger, and jealousy, and all the other natural human foibles. Sometimes I wonder if everybody has the same kind of stuff bottled up inside, or if I really am worse than other people. I don't think it matters, but it's on my mind.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9494530 times)