While I am personally a person very content with their life, and possessing of a future I'm looking forward to, I do occasionally find myself malcontent. I thought I'd take a moment to contemplate why this is so.
Generally, my mind sums it up as me being a creature trapped in a cage made of my own practical rationale. I feel that I've trained myself to instinctively pursue the least risky course of action in any given scenario, and I feel that I'm suffering seriously because of this.
What I mean is, I feel constrained and imprisoned, not because of any outside force, but because I am compelled to be a quiet, logical, tactful human being through years and years of mentally torturous self-flagellation, to train myself to never err from that path that guarantees tangible, quantifiable success. Any emotion I might have, no matter how strong, is kept safely tucked away so that it will never interfere with my life choices.
An example will work wonders: I'm a handsome, charismatic man. Women are interested in me, and me in them. Whenever I think to even talk to a woman, the part of my brain that controls decisions I make steps in, and goes "Wait! Hold up Josh! Even thinking about entering a relationship at this present point in time is a disastrously bad idea. If I allow this, that woman will shake your life apart. and you don't want that. You're on the straight and narrow Josh, you're succeeding, you don't need a female companion right now. The wisest choice you can make right now is to finish your schooling, obtain a reliable income and housing, become situated with yourself living alone, and then pursue a relationship. We can make this work Josh, just be patient."
And while yes, my inner reasoning voice is extremely verbose, I'm inclined to believe it completely. However, I often feel glum and sullen, as there are actually very few women that I find attractive, and so when I do come across one, and my inner reasoning yanks my leash, I feel like I'm missing out on a whole lot.
Often, I feel as though I am a demon, living as an evil person on the inside, but acting as an altruist on the outside. I am often furiously angry with my fellow man, but not an ounce of this anger shows. When confronted with a problem, I just want to lash out violently at it's perpetrator, as though I were a beastly thug, but my reasoning forces me to act tactfully, as though I were a diplomat. Most people would consider this a positive trait, but I feel that I'm just mentally gaming my fellow human beings into approving of me, of thinking of me as a nice person they can rely on, when in reality I think so poorly of them and would like to tell them what I really thought.
Sometimes, I feel as though I sometimes go stir crazy inside my own head. I obsessively think of past times I've been wronged, and then it's as though I'm there again, and I want to choose the violent, impulsive, animalistic approach, as opposed to the sane, diplomatic way I handle everything. I work myself into such a frenzy at times, that I am flushed in the face and dizzy in the head, and I need to seclude myself in order regain composure.
I suppose, my problem is that I feel like I don't belong in modern society, that while I maintain my charade of humility and peacefulness at the present time, that I'm destined to become a savage and incorrigible person that can't live around other people.
My thoughts here are somewhat scattered, so I hope that my meaning is somewhat construable.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9494658 times)