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[ToonyMan]

I suppose now is a good time to relate to Vector and share my troubles growing up as well.

It may not be as severe, but back in elementary school around the grades 3th to 4th I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome by a doctor or whoever.  It was plainly clear that this was true and I was always alone during my time at school and I was causing a lot of problems, being sent to the Principal's office and the whole deal.  I've actually shut those memories away so it's hard to remember exactly what I did.  Although I remember spitting at a teacher and getting my head stuck in a chair, yeah.  Then sometime during 5th grade my teachers and parents thought it would be best if I went to a special school until I could get better.  I have no idea what you would call that kind of school, but I transferred to it from 5th to half way through 7th grade.

When I first started going to this new school I was still a brat I think, I really don't remember.  However what I do remember is if you caused trouble they would put you in a small room with a line and a single door.  You were to stay behind that line until you got better.  If you banged on the door and acted rowdy they would open the door and pin you to the ground.  I might be making it sound worse than it actually was, but I don't know.  I remember trying to run away one day before being found by a cop and taken back to the box for who knows how long.

I think around 6th grade I got better though.  I was in the box less and I started to develop a perfectionist attitude that wanted "to be the greatest at everything".  I would do every assignment handed to me and that behavior trait still rests in me to this day.  It's probably the only thing I'm grateful for.  Another trait I got was being unable to accept failure and my guilt and anxiety WENT THROUGH THE ROOF.  I didn't start getting over that until at least 11th grade.  So by 7th grade I was deemed fit back into society and sent to my public middle school, boy was that gonna be tough.

In my new public middle school I actually had to face reality.  In the other special school there was probably 40 kids top in my grade.  Now there had to be 200.  And they were public kids man.  This was were I started growing a hatred for humanity that's gone now because I've realized the truth.  Back then I hated kids because I worked so hard and nobody else "seemed to be doing anything."  And since my Aspergers was really bad back then I had no friends.  I had no friends until the last two years.  No friends.  No friends.  I feel really sad saying that but I want to share now that Vector is speaking so sincerely.

All in all, my childhood was really really sad and lonely.  And it didn't change for the better until I changed myself.  I don't know whether to thank that special school or not because I have no idea what would have happened if I wasn't "controlled".

It's really complex and I can't explain it though.  My feelings have felt numb for awhile.  Thanks for reading.

[Burnt Pies]

Thanks for all the support, guys. It'll get better eventually, just gotta hope it doesn't get much worse first, I suppose. And, y'know, work towards making it better.

[Vector]

Toony, I'm really glad you shared, because what you said sounds... how can I explain it?  Sort-of-like-me but not-like-me.  So I can relate, but you also told me something new I didn't exactly understand.  I think I'm lucky because I was very good at doing what I was told and pretty much nothing else, so I never got sent away or anything like the autistic girl I knew in middle school did.  Or in trouble, really, but when I look back at the notes my teacher wrote about me in third grade or so, it seems that I was pretty annoying and hard to deal with >_>  They worked really hard to teach me how to write so that other people could understand what I was trying to say, and to teach me when to apologize, or that I should interact with people instead of just doing things myself, and all those sorts of things.  I didn't notice at the time but I think it was really good for me.

And, I'm glad if talking about things lets you talk about things, too, because I kind of worry sometimes that I'm just running my mouth and not telling anyone anything of value.

[ToonyMan]

I can tell you the sensitivity to touching or feeling is definitely true.  I wasn't able to handle touching soap or cutting my nails for quite a while.

[Vector]

I can tell you the sensitivity to touching is definitely true.  I wasn't able to handle touching soap or cutting my nails for quite a while.

For me, it's fuzzy things like peaches or the outsides of beans that I can't stand.  And the sound of museum lights seriously made me cry.  Wool used to be untouchable, too.  I guess my big sensitivities are tactile and auditory--most everything else is pretty much okay, though bright light can still really bug me.

I know someone who completely can't stand the smell of cinnamon, though.  I feel pretty sorry for her.  I usually get more of a choice with what I interact with.

[Ricky]

Why :c

MY computer is getting a virus about once a week now, and I'm slowly learning how to find virus loopholes to delete them, navigating the parts of computer people normally don't see, and through all this I've learned one thing: A virus a day keeps the sanity away!

[ToonyMan]

I don't think I've had a virus on my current computer ever.  If I do have one it's a really nice virus that I can have drinks with.

[Vector]

Ugh, I think my anxiety is trying to kill me.  Need to make sure that I get my presentation fully planned out by the end of tonight, so that I don't end up freaking out everywhere tomorrow or the day after.

[Tellemurius]

Jesus Vector im not trying to prove you wrong i was pointing out a obvious image. I may not explain myself very clear but i try not to anger people with their thoughts and opinions, whether the book portrays a true autistic is not for me to argue about. Autism can be anything to me right now, i like the book because of the non-linear nature of it, the only book that doesn't make true sense in my shelf of books. Realize that i do not see autism in people, i keep conversations with others still and will not notice it. Why? because i do not look for the triggers. When everyone told me my gf had autism i just shrugged my shoulders, i never noticed any difference. For in extreme cases i still don't notice the difference: a man can scream in pain from a touch so i whisper to him, a woman that shrivels in public so i write to her, a man that thinks different than the person next to him so i interpret him.


and none of that makes sense to me so look in that train of thoughts please.

[Vector]

Meh.

I argue this portrayal because I don't want to be associated with that image.  That's basically it.  It isn't me; people are saying it's a reflection of True Autism; the result is that I, and other people, fall through the cracks again because we don't match that image.  The fact that you don't look for differences doesn't mean that everyone else is as blind/accepting as you are.

I'm tired of this stuff.


And frankly, I miss talking to Rosewood, and to Fig, and to Professor Poland (who had a good number of adorable autistic traits, not that I would diagnose him--simply say that they were endearing).  They were annoying sometimes.  If we managed to speak to each other honestly, though, I think it could be good for us.  I really wish we could do that, but I don't know how.  Especially Rosewood.  I feel kind of bad about what happened at this point, but I don't see any way to fix it.


EDIT: it seems that we have another wave of bans and so on.  Whooo.

[Tellemurius]

If you're tired Vector then go to sleep, go outside and breath some air, meditate, find friends, make friends. You stress so much on how you hate this so find a way to vent it without stabbing me.

[Duke 2.0]

 Thunderstorm started.

 I used to really like them but now they just get me terribly depressed. Probably because one vivid memory I have is of a storm coming in from out of nowhere with winds knocking down trees and my dog was outside. I quickly opened the door and he dashed in before a huge tree fell on where he was at the time. Thunderstorms are kinda ruined for me now, at least in this house anyway.

[Vector]

If you're tired Vector then go to sleep, go outside and breath some air, meditate, find friends, make friends. You stress so much on how you hate this so find a way to vent it without stabbing me.

Well, regrettably, I'm a bit hopped up on caffeine right now.  So I apologize for jumping on you.  I'm more scared than I should be, but goodness gracious, I don't know what to do--because some days it just feels like I'm trying to carry the world, but I obviously can't.  And yet, I keep trying to, because if I drop my part then it gives other people excuses to drop theirs.

I hate dealing with this more than I can explain, but there's honestly nothing I feel I can do some days but goad other people into activism.  I feel trapped behind some sort of shell of inexpressiveness.  I don't know what I can say or do, really... and goddammit, I'm so embarrassed by myself right now.

Oh, well.

I guess that's just how it goes some days.

[scriver]

That post just reached critical mass and imploded into a black hole, dealing 9999 damage to all reading it. Damn.

On topic, I can't read tv tropes spoilers on my iPod. D:

If you create an account you can set the spoilers to always be visible. That's what I did for my phone.

[Tellemurius]

Its fine Vector. I wish you can explain this better, maybe i can help, i can't force you though and it can cause more harm than healing. Just meditate then i guess, look for the faults and heal them.