I wrote up a post defending that Chinese mother from a few pages back, and then decided screw it. I will not be ragebait, but you should all know that she later explained that her book, and more specifically that excerpt of her book, and even more specifically the list was written with tongue-in-cheek humor and in her book, she does not defend or glorify her actions, she explains the mentality she had, what she did wrong, and just generally looks back.
Yeah, I managed to find some other links where she defended herself. I wasn't sure what I thought about them.
I understand her perspective. I understand that such behavior might be helpful and/or loving in another situation. I
did have a mother who, when I got an A-, would say "but what happened?" My mother didn't let me do anything that wasn't actively learning (except for half an hour of computer time a day, to do whatever I wanted with); I had Chinese acquaintances in high school who were shocked to hear that she was harder on me than their parents were. I learned algebra before 5, read chapter books at 3, played violin in a professional-level symphony (after spending a summer practicing 8 hours a day, and studying violin with a teacher for only 2 years), have studied some 7 languages, blah blah blah. I also play piano. I headed a popular club in high school. I did hundreds of hours of community service and held down a tutoring job. I received more awards at graduation than any other student, and even now professors act as though I were something especially unusual.
Yes. Even at Berkeley, a school filled with children who have "Chinese mothers." My mother somehow managed to out-Chinese-mother them all, while allowing me to get the occasional B and never hitting me or, in fact, punishing me.
Like those girls, I never dated in high school. I didn't watch anything on TV that wasn't Japanese or French and unsubtitled. I was never in a school play and I made my first real friend at the age of 17--and to be honest, I was okay with all of that. I was all right with the pressure. My mother never told me to lose weight because I was never fat--I was so thin that other mothers would invite me over to their houses because they thought I was starving to death. She had to try to convince me to go to bed on nights when I was powering through 5 essays and a French novel, because I refused to sleep. I went through the practice tests myself. I studied alone for my APs and SATs, because my parents didn't have the necessary education to help. I spent 20-hour days studying mathematics--as a sophomore in high school, who just
couldn't get it.
As far as spending time with other children went, I did that once every few months. Mostly, we sat on the living room floor and studied together, or argued about analytical interpretations of various novels. That was the kind of life I had.
My mother did say things like "Either you can do better than that, or you're retarded" to me. She did force me to put my face in a bowl of water on the kitchen floor, because I was terrified of drowning after a dangerous experience. She did tell me that no one cared about me or wanted me to succeed, and that I couldn't trust anyone completely. She also told me that it was better to fail academically than to fail morally.
I personally feel that my parents raised me well, much as I hated them for a while.
That said, as difficult as the above may sound to anyone, my parents were not as hard on me as Amy Chua was. There's a line, and I feel that no matter what she said later, no matter what context I'm missing for her behavior, she was way over that line. Her article disturbs me because I lived something like it, and I have to keep on trying to live that way no matter how tired I am. I suffered the consequences of spending so much time alone for so long, and it was up to me to fix it. I didn't blame my parents, of course. I blamed myself. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
I'm grateful to my parents.
But somehow, they managed to get a similar result--often, a better result--and they didn't go to those ends to get it. They didn't have to behave that way to let me know they were serious. Perhaps I was just especially sensitive. Perhaps I was more obedient than most, or more self-driven. I don't know, really. But the reason why the article makes me angry is that the measures being lauded are so very unnecessary. There's a middle ground between "tiger mothers" and treating children with kid gloves. You don't have to demean a child to tell him that he's doing something wrong. You don't have to fuss around, worrying about the child's "self esteem" overmuch.
My mother, much like Amy Chau, often told me that we worry too much about self-esteem here when the child in question hasn't done anything worthwhile. She said that we were too afraid of our children feeling bad to be honest with them.
And yes, I agree. But no matter how much I may think Ms. Chau's ideals were in the right place, her methodology is suspect.
Author
Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9767405 times)