There's a rant ahead, I guess. Sort of. Maybe it's just a sad curl inwards.
I don't expect only positive feedback, or even mostly positive feedback, or sugarcoated crap. I actually look forward to negative commentary. But I turned in the "story" of what had happened over the past two years, and this one guy gave it back with... nasty stuff written on it. Stuff about my having pride and self-pity in my "victim identity." Stuff about how I feel I'm not responsible for myself because I'm a victim.
I wrote "I prefer to think that I'm creatively absent-minded, rather than autistic." He wrote "thus not responsible for what you create?"
What a fucker.
No.
I choose to forget about the shit I've been diagnosed with because then there's hope that maybe, somewhere out there, there is someone who will find me lovable. That I'm not just some vessel to channel mathematics and other ideas onto the page. That, as a person, I might have worth for something other than my ideas. That, when I am old and can't write any more theorems, I won't just be stuffed away somewhere because I've become absolutely nothing.
I am more than numbers, bad social skills, and a tendency to withdraw from society. There are things that have happened to me that I could not control. There are things that have happened that I did not have the knowledge to prevent. There are things that have happened that I effected, via passiveness or some other personal sin. Goodness knows that I've never run around looking for trouble, but I know there were things I could have done to prevent some of the more negative things in my life. Like dressing a bit more normally. Might have helped.
And yes, they are things that "happened to me." They are "occurrences" in my "life," many of which I don't feel responsible for--because hell, it's not like I FORCED people to hit me. Did I tell Thyme to grope me while I was asleep? Fuck no. Should I have stopped being friends with her then and there? Yes. But I was weak, and so we remained friends. Did I beg my classmates to ignore and demean me? No. I know I should have been more out-going. I didn't understand it at the time--I swear, I had no idea how to get through the first step of socializing. Couldn't even recognize friendly gestures. At later dates, I began to understand things, and then it really was my fault for not trying.
What I understand about existence is that it's a combination of one's own actions, and the "fate" inflicted on an individual by his environment. Other people make their choices, which inform your choices, which informs your existence, which informs theirs. I can't come running in, saying "this bad thing happened and it was all my fault." We all built this situation and perpetuated it. We played our roles and if in the end I was the one who dropped out of school and nearly went nuts, then that's too bad.
But I can't pretend that I forced anyone to act as they did. They always had a choice. The things I did were dumb, and yes, there's no reason why I should expect people to act against their own personal advantage.
That doesn't mean they had to do what they did, just as it doesn't mean I had to do what I did. We are all victims. We are all villains.
*sigh*
Good on me to allow him to affect me like this, huh? I feel so good right now I could curl up and kind of stop interacting with society at large. I don't know why I expect people not to be fucktards anymore. It's like some part of me believes in the inherent good of mankind, or something. HA.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9752184 times)