Not sure where I was going with this ramble, but it's good to just air it out.
Well that was creepy. I think I just read the 100% other side of my last relationship via Vector's post.
And now I'm sad.
I like to think I'm a genuinely good person; trying to leave the things I encounter better than I found them, whether that's through cleaning up a sidewalk with some litter on it, or helping a frazzled-looking stranger at a bus stop get their thoughts in order. At the same time, I tend to look for negative qualities I see in other people within myself, so I can be more aware of times when I might be doing something like them.
In hearing about this guy, and other people in the same vein, I can't help but be reminded of the times I've let anger get the best of me, and used what Empathy or Charisma or whatever the crap it is I have to really, really hurt people. I tend to feel ill about it after emotions have cooled, and the guilt trails after me... but I'm no stranger to it. I don't think I've gone out of my way to instigate any of it, but I don't think that doing it in retaliation alone makes it much better. I still haven't shaken the guilt from a lot of things, and it tends to resurface whenever I recall a related memory. I guess I have a lot of trouble letting go of guilt. I can consciously understand that it's all self-imposed... but I can't seem to shake the realization of the hurt I've caused, the embarrassment I felt, or any of that.
Going off on an illustrative tangent... I've been rather depressed, and despite putting on my best social masks, I haven't been returning most of my calls lately. It's a bad habit of mine, when I want to withdraw from people and things. I remind others that my phone doesn't always work in the apartment, so they don't feel like I'm ignoring them (even if I essentially am), because I don't want to hurt them or make them think I don't want to speak with them. In fact, I missed out on visiting with my grandparents on my Mom's side for a Labor Day Picnic they were having, and not because I didn't want to see them, but because I just felt too guilty about not having wanted to answer the phone and confirm.
Anyway, this afternoon I spent time with my grandparents on the other side of my family, for their 59th Wedding Anniversary (It took a lot of calls from my dad, and eventually a text message with directions and so on to help me motivate myself to do it). As a surprise, however, my other grandparents dropped by on their way to spend time at the old Family Farm in the Upper Peninsula. They seemed genuinely surprised that I was there, and though they were outwardly happy to see me, I could see, particularly in my grandma's eyes, that they were heartbroken. They'd thought I hadn't wanted to see them, and I swear I almost saw tears.
They're getting old, both in their 80's, and they're not in the best of health. For most of my childhood, they were there for me more than my own mother or father were, and I do mean that. I love them a great deal, and have tremendous respect for their kindness, tenacity, sensibility, and the full life they continue to enjoy long into their 80s. Everything in me wanted to explain to them what had happened... about the depression (they really don't know about that) about the phone, everything... but all I could do was just stutter, and see the deeply hurt look in her eyes, as she smiled and told me how happy they were to see me.
God, I feel like a wretched person sometimes.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9714457 times)