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[Footkerchief]

I've been more irritating and aggressive recently, and it bothers me.  It's not right.  I wanted to become stronger, not more irritable and nasty.  I guess part of it could be loneliness or lack of challenge, but that's just excuses.  Fact: I seek out competition to crush so that I can stop feeling so miserable about myself, because no matter what I do it never feels like it's enough.

I could track it on backwards through my childhood and pin it on all kinds of events and developmental pressures, the creation of an internal locus of control, the experiences of an individual who barely spoke--but that's all bullshit excuses.  The sad part of all this is that I know I'm just going to look for someone safe to force into feeling inadequate, rather than actually fixing the root cause.  This is because I don't know how to fix it.  No matter how much work I do or how many people I catch saying "Oh mannnn, Vector, I wish I were more like you!  You're going to do great things one day!", I just feel, over and over again, that it isn't enough.  Nothing will ever be enough.  It's not about compliments or accomplishments, friends made, organizations run.  It may not be about anything.  It's just hunger, I guess.  It's fear.  Fear of never being wanted or useful for anything.  Hunger for the acceptance that always seems to be missing.  I'm not depressed; this is just who I am--who I always have been, for as long as I can remember.

Rosewood was right.  I am needy and anxious.

If your name is any indication, it doesn't matter who you are, just who you're becoming.

Also, I hear a little ruthlessness goes a long way in academia.

[Retro]

Nice! I take it you cook for them?

Not too much, I just happen to be the most prominent chef in the house Best hobby ever. Growing up in a house where the men cooked was awesome.

[Rilder]

One of those meh days.

Also was reminded recently why I hate linear story lines in games, the only time they are worth anything is when I'm reading of LP, and even those are better if done for non-linear games like X3 Terran Conflict.

[Solifuge]

When I woke up this morning, my Betta was lying still at the bottom of his tank. He was a pretty badass fish, being the lone survivor of a bunch of idiot kids (or store employees) dumping all the Bettas together into a single tank, so they'd kill each other. My friend and I bought him, and treated him until he was healed, and I'd had him for a little over a year since then.

I just got back from interring him in in the lake. Ozymandias, King of Bettas, you will be missed.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Huesoo]

When I woke up this morning, my Betta was lying still at the bottom of his tank. He was a pretty tough fish, being the lone survivor of a bunch of idiot kids (or store employees) dumping all the Bettas together into a single tank, so they'd kill each other. My friend and I bought him, and treated him until he was healed, and I'd had him for a little over a year since then.

I just got back from interring him in in the lake. Ozymandias, King of Bettas, you will be missed.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Damn man I feel for you, I had two bettas and they killed eachother, I was a sad 4 year old.

[Josephus]

Pour one out for him, man. He sounds like a real fishbro right there.

[lordnincompoop]

I have two right here actually. 2nd generation. One's pretty old and will probs go any minute now, but the other is rather healthy.
There was this tragic accident with one of the fish once. Jumped right out of the tank and killed itself while I was away.

Damn man I feel for you, I had two bettas and they killed eachother, I was a sad 4 year old.

Always keep them in separate tanks. There's a reason they call them the "Fighting fish".

[ILikePie]

I had one of those, they were given to us at some kid's birthday party as a "goodie bag". God those parents were wacos. We gave him away when we moved.

[Sir Pseudonymous]

On the bright side, I talked to a mutual friend and found out that the other friend's been acting strange recently, and we both came to the tentative conclusion that he's acting out over being unable to cope with the way things have been changing, with people leaving and going off to college and whatnot. It's changed my feelings on the situation from bloodthirsty rage to pity. Not that I have any more clue how to resolve it now, but at least I'm no longer expecting a rational response from him, and the utter irrationality of it all suddenly no longer baffles me (which is really what was infuriating me: the inability to fit everything into the way the world works). He's no longer a loathsome madman, but a pathetic figure to be pitied and helped.


On the other, as I learned this my mother burst into the apartment sobbing, because she'd just heard from an old friend that another old friend whom she'd just learned had died in 2002 had killed himself (meaning, she learned two days ago that he'd died in 2002, and had been trying to contact people who knew him trying to find out what had happened, and just learned that he'd hung himself because he was going to court over something to with prescription painkillers). It's extremely painful watching someone have a breakdown, and knowing that there's nothing that can be done to solve it.

[Jopax]

I was just rejected by the girl i really like, that in itslef is not bad, i have been rejected all my life, should be used to it by now, it's just that my mind is overly active, and when it all comes crashing down it really doesn't know how to cope with it, and it's the worst part, i have tried many times to teach myself not to ovethink things but everytime it gets worse, right now i'm going trough some sort of emotional breakdown that will most likeley last for a few days and it will make me really miserable and bad to be around, but i just can't help it, no matter how hard i try my head seems to have an agenda of its own.And yes i am rather drunk because i would have kept this to myself like every other time if i was sober :/

[JoshuaFH]

I was just rejected by the girl i really like, that in itslef is not bad, i have been rejected all my life, should be used to it by now, it's just that my mind is overly active, and when it all comes crashing down it really doesn't know how to cope with it, and it's the worst part, i have tried many times to teach myself not to ovethink things but everytime it gets worse, right now i'm going trough some sort of emotional breakdown that will most likeley last for a few days and it will make me really miserable and bad to be around, but i just can't help it, no matter how hard i try my head seems to have an agenda of its own.And yes i am rather drunk because i would have kept this to myself like every other time if i was sober :/

Don't worry man, this stuff ain't the end of the world. I've had my fair share of emotional breakdowns, so I know.

[ChairmanPoo]

It passes. I think it's more related to age and hormonal equilibriums than number of rejections, though.

[Cthulhu]

You know what's a terrible thought?

Chances are there will come a day when I don't remember any of you.  I had this thought during a correspondence with another internet person I think is pretty cool.  All these friendships are so transient.  I make friends with people on the internet and then one of us just drops off the face of the Earth and we never speak again.

Jeez, now I remember why I value my real friends more than internet friends.

[Jopax]

I had that multiple times, i don't know why tough, they were all great people and i really liked them, but i just stopped talking to them for one reason or another, and i rarely look back.

Anyway, i think my mind really hates me, i find myself playing this several times now, for no apparent reason except to make me sad, i hate you mind, i really do, and when i get you it won't be pretty

[Aqizzar]

Chances are there will come a day when I don't remember any of you.  I had this thought during a correspondence with another internet person I think is pretty cool.  All these friendships are so transient.  I make friends with people on the internet and then one of us just drops off the face of the Earth and we never speak again.

Maybe it's different for different people, but I vaguely remember, maybe not by name but at least personality, people I corresponded with on the Internet from the day I got dialup.  I never think about them, because I almost never have reason to, but I can say the same about almost everyone I ever knew in gradeschool.