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[Vector]

Yeah... my only recurring dream/nightmare nowadays is one where I'm running, and with every step it gets harder and harder until I'm pretty much being pressed into the floor.  It's like the gravity is increasing, the air growing thicker, and I can't breathe... but for some reason I still can't stop running.

I also seem to have gone back to the dreams my brain hands me when I'm lonely, which is kind of annoying.  Recurring dreams about having a close friend to comfort me are unwelcome, at this point.  They just remind me of what I'm missing.

For reference, my entire real-life social network for the next 9 months or so is: mother, father, Rosewood (and at the moment, I'm questioning my desire to spend any large amount of time with him).  Oh, well... I'm currently hoping to bike over to the nearby math department and bother the professors/students from time to time.  That should help a lot, especially once I manage to start studying again.

[cowofdoom78963]

I loved reading everyones stories. They were fun(in a horrible way).

Especially the one with the evil bug with an army of dead children. You should write novels.

Anyway I myself dont have nightmares. Im always heroic in my dreams and overcome whatever happens.

I have been woken up once by one of my dreams having a screamer in it though, but it wasn't really scary, just really loud. I woke up and my ears were buzzing. It was so cool.

[Solifuge]

So, I've been thinking about hanging myself. The fast kind with snapping neck, not the slowly suffocating style. According to some 1920's hanger, my weight would take about an eight foot drop.

That's my backup plan if it gets worse.
The 'fun' part though is that I'm not in an especially bad situation or anything.
It's just that, call it too much Nietzsche and Black Metal, if you want, I don't see any point in life, or, at least, nothing living for. Right now it's a boring mass of grey I could leave if I want. However, I do not want to leave behind my only real and best friend and my family.

So, what the hell. If I'll ever write a death note, I'll write in it that I was not depressed, but englightened.

As far as a lifetime of thinking on the subject can determine, life has no inherent purpose. Does that make it pointless? Oddly, no.

Life, in my worldview, is a happy accident. I am, at my most basic level, a highly complex self-sustaining chemical reaction. At the most esoteric level, I am a way for the matter and stuff of the universe to know itself. By the virtue of just being alive, I am, along with other life, another one of myriad amazing happenings in the universe, and without myself and other life, all of these amazing things could never be witnessed, known, remembered, or understood. Every sunrise, every eclipse, every crash of a wave tracing lines of foam on the sand... every moment of every happening ever would be utterly unknown. Life is not at all pointless... in fact, the mere presence of life gives meaning and purpose to the entire universe, and without that, there is nothing.

In this universe in which we live, on this little blue-green marble, with all our joys and hardships and arguments and kindnesses, the only true tragedy is a reasonless loss of life. It's one of few purely destructive acts in the world, causes nothing but hurt, and unmakes something that can never be made again. Regardless of your worldview, every one of us is a rare and unique thing that only comes into being as we are once. You didn't have a choice in when and where you wanted to live your life, so if you're here anyway you can choose whether to make the best you can out of it, or you can choose to not participate... but by refusing to participate you only cause harm.

When I'm having a rough period, I often find the words of Carl Sagan inspiring.

[Nolor]

So, I have a writing assignment due tomorrow.

Spoiler: rantrantrant (click to show/hide)

We've been 'working' on it for 2 weeks, but I actually started it about half an hour ago. I just finished.

It's probably the most half-assed thing I've ever written. 1.5 pages, 700 words. The plot ends spontaneously. There is no real resolution.

I put zero effort into it, but I finished it. I'm going to read it to the class tomorrow and hand it in and I fully expect to pass.

Why does this make me sad? Because I can somehow manage to get a passing grade with such a piece of utter trash. It's horrible, but I'm going to get a good mark on it.
Why am I allowed to get away with something like this? How can I just coast through a two-week assignment in half an hour and pass in something I'm unsatisfied with?

I wish, for once, someone would just tell me that I'm completely and utterly wrong, that what I've written is garbage, that my answers are terrible or that I need to work harder.

Instead, I'm greeted with, "Wow, nice job!" or, "This is excellent!"

My work may be good enough to pass the class, but it's not good enough to satisfy myself. I always say that I'll work harder next time, that I'll do something really great, but when it makes no difference in the end, what's the point?

At the beginning of the year, I wrote a story I was immensely proud of. I worked for hours, rewriting the entire thing several times. I was given a 98%, but the grade wasn't what mattered. I genuinely enjoyed writing and reading it.

The next assignment's premise was boring. I wasn't engaged in it and only spent about 3 hours writing. Once I finished the second draft, I just wanted to get it finished. Clearing up the typos, I printed it out and handed it in the next day.  A week later, I got my mark. 99%.

What? That would imply I improved. That would imply that somehow, those emotionless blurbs I churned out were superior to my earlier work. I hadn't even tried, yet I improved.

Now we've arrived at where I am now. I'm sure I could work what I have into a decent story if I spent an hour more on it, but I'm not going to. I want to know whether something as half-assed as this will net me a good mark. I'm silently hoping that it doesn't. If it does, then it'd essentially be the same as saying that all of my earlier effort on prior assignments was a waste. The time I dedicated was simply tossed away.
If I get a mark higher than 80%, I'm going to lose all faith in my teachers.

tl;dr: Even if I do something lazily, I get rewarded the same, if not more, than if I actually put forth effort. By handing in a terrible (by my standards) assignment, I'm seeking to get a bad mark to prove that this isn't true.

So while I'm not really 'sad' right now, I fully expect to be in a few days when it turns out that once again, I'm rewarded for my laziness.

[sonerohi]

I confused Carl Sagan with George Carlin for a moment and thought that Vector was going to link to the 7 words.

[cowofdoom78963]

It's probably the most half-assed thing I've ever written. 1.5 pages, 700 words. The plot ends spontaneously. There is no real resolution.

I bet the teacher will find the inner meaning and give you a 99.

hey at least you didn't write a whole paper and get a 0 on it.

[Vector]

I appear to be psychologically dependent on mathematics.

Seriously, I can't concentrate on cleaning my room.  I keep thinking about how much I want to study algebra.

[cowofdoom78963]

I appear to be psychologically dependent on mathematics.

Seriously, I can't concentrate on cleaning my room.  I keep thinking about how much I want to study algebra.

That's funny, becuase I cant concentrate on my math homework becuase I keep thinking about how filthy my room is.

We should trade places.

[Acanthus117]

Wow. This is a momentous moment in my life. I've never known someone who actually wants to study algebra.

Also, I can't seem to find a certain GKC page... It's taking for-EVER.

[Vector]

Wow. This is a momentous moment in my life. I've never known someone who actually wants to study algebra.

It's so beautiful and lovely ;_;  The manipulation of symbols!  The little clever tricks!  The pages and pages blessed with elegance, and all those clear logical words that make things so nice to think about...

*sigh*

I'm in love.  Tomorrow morning, I'll get up at 7 and after breakfast it's straight to the textbooks for me <3

[Acanthus117]

I only feel that way about English, History and maybe when I read a good book. Such strange things can happen in the world.

[Vector]

I only feel that way about English, History and maybe when I read a good book. Such strange things can happen in the world.

What.  Unpossible.

[Acanthus117]

I only feel that way about English, History and maybe when I read a good book. Such strange things can happen in the world.

What.  Unpossible.

See what I mean? I love reading about peoples past and all that crap. I couldn't care more about those floozywhatsits in math.

[sonerohi]

I love my History, English, Science, and Spanish classes. The only thing I hate is math, because none of the teachers get how to teach it at my school. They go on for the whole time about theory bullshit, and just lecturing at us without putting anything concrete on the board. By the time we do get to the practice, the theory is long-gone. It is something that needs to be done incrementally and they don't seem to get that. Hell, you work it step-by-step, why not teach it the same?

[SHAD0Wdump]

I just folded the laundry over here and my back hurts.

Minor yes, but it makes me sad!