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[Godwin]

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I hate myself. I can't figure out why.

I just feel incompetent. I feel ugly, and stupid, and annoying, and bumbling, and useless, and I don't even know why. Every time I do something, I feel people talking about me, everywhere I go. Every word I don't hear is about me, and it's negative. And It's stupid that I think that, because if my memory serves, no one has ever called me stupid to my face. Ever. But that's what I hear.

I can't say I have problems. Hell, I'm probably one of the luckiest sunsa bitches in my state. But I can't get it out of my head. I hear it, all the time, not like some sort of "voices in my head" bullshit, but it's like I don't trust people. I have this feeling that everyone hates me, and when they say otherwise they're lying. And I shouldn't is the thing, I have every reason to be happy and oblivious and all that, but I'm not. I'm paranoid, and I hate everything, and I think everything hates me too.

How can I put this in words? I lay awake, every night, staring at the ceiling. Thinking. Thinking about how everyone hates me, about how I'm malicious, and lazy, and ugly, and no one will ever like me. Ever. Alone. Forever. And I think about this for hours, every night, and I can't sleep. So I don't sleep, I draw things. I draw things so horrible I tear them up and hide the pieces, and I sit awake for another hour thinking about how I'm a freak and everyone hates me, and I can't rest. Ever.

The only time I can relax is when I'm completely alone, because whenever anyone else is around, I can only think about how they hate me. And I trip over my own words trying to not make a mistake, and when I fumble with a word or say something even vaguely awkward, it feels like a hot iron is being driven into my chest. And I find a corner and I draw.

I would never hurt anyone. Just the idea turns my stomach. But I get so angry, angry because I don't feel that anyone cares for me, anyone. And it grit my teeth and I twist my head until my spine cracks and I pull muscles, and I sit there, wherever I am, and I stew in my hate, and I don't do anything. When I was younger, I got angry and I broke a metal bar off of my bed. I was frothing, and I couldn't think, and all I wanted to do was to destroy something so that people would understand how much I hated everything.

Never again. At this point I can hardly ask for anything, and I still feel needy and demanding.


I don't know. I just don't know. I have a lot of ideas on why I don't trust anyone, but no answers. And no matter how much I think about it it never gets any better. And I can't tell anybody because every time I try to tell someone it just makes things worse.



I just feel so hated. Or maybe I feel that way because I hate myself. Or maybe it's a chemical thing, which is a serious possibility, as my mother and her sister have the same thing. And I think my dad does too, but I'm not sure. I see so much my myself in him, but I'm not sure of any of my judgments at this point.



I don't know. I just want to trust people and not feel this constricting feeling in my gut every time I talk to someone. I hate so many things, but whenever I don't hate, I just feel so empty.

I don't know. I can't tell anyone that matters. I just want to tell someone. But I can't trust anyone. I can't trust my friends, I can't trust my parents, I can't even trust my brother. My brother. I know him better than I know myself, and I can't bring myself to trust him. What am I supposed to do?


So when I say that if I went through what you went through, I would have broken, you have to understand. I would have snapped. And that scares me so much. I scare me.


Does anyone know what that's like? To be ten years old and to have dreams of rotting guts, and brains mounted on pikes with chittering teeth eternally chanting nonsense? To see emaciated corpses, walking down black hallways with piercing eyes that gleam like porcelain as they stare at you? To have dream after dream of cannibals and worms and loved ones, trapping me in a corner and ripping me to pieces because of my wretchedness? To experience being turned into a mass of blood and bone and metal, a gelatinous mass that kills everything it touches.

Every night, every night of my fucking life I see visions of sex and death and constriction and entrapment, and I can't escape. Ever. Ever. I'm fucking trapped in my own fucked up brain, and no matter what I say or what I do, no one will know that I've lived in a rusted out hulk drifting in a cloud of blood, with mockeries of people haunting every unbearable passage. That I've seen myself split and contort into an insectoid beast that raises an army of dead children to serve on it's labrynthine castle that drips poisonous ichor from endless spires.

No matter what I break, no matter what I say, no matter what I do, no one will understand what that's like. To live lifetimes, trapped in your own mind. And I feel so alone.

Here's my load of angsty bullocks. Read it or don't. I really hope you read it, because I want someone to know what it's like to be me.

I just want someone to know what I see and not let it make them depressed, or scared, or angry. I just want to be accepted for what I am and not feel like an abomination.

[deadlycairn]

I feel your pain - I share similar feelings of self-loathing, though different in that I know they are generated from myself.

Keep on trucking. I don't know why yet myself, but do it anyway.

[The Eviscerator of Gods]

the fact that everyone is worse then me makes me sad

[Jackrabbit]

Every time someone tries to inject humor into this thread, it drains away so quickly as to be depressing. Props for trying though, I appreciate it.

[The Eviscerator of Gods]

who's trying to be funny here, all of you people make me want to hang myself, why can't you be as happy as me?

[Jackrabbit]

Oh!

I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke about being the best person in the whole world. Yeah, it brings you down a bit doesn't it, how bad off some people are? Worst bit's knowing that you really can't do much from your monitor, which is admittedly a small gripe but I feel guilty for not helping you guys out more because I really can't relate. Occasionally you can help people though, and it's the best feeling in the world. Thank you to those who gave me this feeling.

[smigenboger]

This is the sad thread, I guess the main point is to project things that make you sad. I don't think it's meant to be funny, unless someone is blatantly trying to be.

Some people seem to use this as a temporary 'Oh no this day has been less satisfying as normal but I can accept the bad things as part of the silliness of it all' and some use it as a very sobering 'My life is slowly spiraling downwards'

With the latter being in the attempting to remedy the situation variety and the just letting everyone know variety.

[deadlycairn]

Add to my list of woes: A younger sister (14 years of age) ran away from home 3 weeks ago, refusing to go to boarding school. Since then, tensions have only increased, and damn near everyone has gotten involved in some way, including Woman's Refuge(!?). Now, the sister has practically disowned us, and is living with a friend and her amazingly vapid parents. They even tried to re-enroll her at the school we had specifically taken her out of because it was so terrible, stating that 'They were worried about the state of her education' Hello? Send her back to the school she's meant to be attending then, instead of bending over to meet her every wish!

Another friend's dad, who actually has a brain, tried to organise a meeting to sort things out. Sister refuses to talk however, and the meeting appears to have fallen through, as we can't contact the dad. My hopes were raised by a phone call this evening, but it was the vapid dad, complaining about having to look after the child he had willingly taken in against the parents wishes.

So much rage. I haven't talked to my sister in any way for 3 weeks. Nice to know you care about us sis.

[Jackrabbit]

Goddamn. Vapid Dad sounds like a dickhead, don't take any shit from him.

[Dwarf]

So, I've been thinking about hanging myself. The fast kind with snapping neck, not the slowly suffocating style. According to some 1920's hanger, my weight would take about an eight foot drop.

That's my backup plan if it gets worse.
The 'fun' part though is that I'm not in an especially bad situation or anything.
It's just that, call it too much Nietzsche and Black Metal, if you want, I don't see any point in life, or, at least, nothing living for. Right now it's a boring mass of grey I could leave if I want. However, I do not want to leave behind my only real and best friend and my family.

So, what the hell. If I'll ever write a death note, I'll write in it that I was not depressed, but englightened.

[Hippoman]

So, I've been thinking about hanging myself. The fast kind with snapping neck, not the slowly suffocating style. According to some 1920's hanger, my weight would take about an eight foot drop.

That's my backup plan if it gets worse.
The 'fun' part though is that I'm not in an especially bad situation or anything.
It's just that, call it too much Nietzsche and Black Metal, if you want, I don't see any point in life, or, at least, nothing living for. Right now it's a boring mass of grey I could leave if I want. However, I do not want to leave behind my only real and best friend and my family.

So, what the hell. If I'll ever write a death note, I'll write in it that I was not depressed, but englightened.

This is the time where i should say something like, "DON'T TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT!!" but I'm not because I know full well what your thinking and I'm thinking the same thing. But hanging yourself? that seems painful. plus it wont protect against zombieitis.

oh, and don't kill yourself.

[Jackrabbit]

Yeah, try and get the most out of this life before diving headlong into the next. I mean, no matter what you believe about the afterlife, there will always be a chance of you getting screwed over in ways we can't comprehend, because we don't know what's out there.

[Cthulhu]

I'm reminded of the Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin wants to buy a Satan worshipping, suicide advocating metal album, and his mom helpfully reminds him that the people in those albums haven't committed suicide (Except that one guy), and it's just an image.

[Dwarf]

Yeah, try and get the most out of this life before diving headlong into the next. I mean, no matter what you believe about the afterlife, there will always be a chance of you getting screwed over in ways we can't comprehend, because we don't know what's out there.

It's not that I believe in an afterlife. I'm just profoundely bored.
Also, Cthulhu, Black Metal artists murder and suicide pretty often compared to other genres.

[RedKing]

Isn't there far more to Japanese culture as a whole than schoolgirls? Isn't that kind of a misrepresentation, like advertising Russian Culture by sending out a bunch of guys with big mustaches and furry hats with the hammer and sickle on them, along with posters decrying the debauchery of the upper class?

I'd totally join Russian Club if it was advertised that way. Especially if they added vodka.