I'm already ugly (or at least, that's what they tell me). I have AS. I speak in a flat tone of voice, am underweight, and have tics. I stutter. I dress poorly. I hunch over, I rock, I speak incomprehensibly (better recently, I'm happy to say), I hop around and skip through the halls. I'm violent. I'm arrogant. I'm clumsy. I drop things and run into walls. I constantly get lost. I'm prone to fits of rage and cry when people change schedules on me too quickly. Same thing for loud noises. I don't like being touched.
So you know what? I'm not really expecting anyone to love me, ever. It'd be nice if someone did, but I'm not expecting it. I'm expecting to die cold, alone, and friendless on a pile of proofs. It's what I've expected my entire life, and I imagine it's what I'll end up getting. That's not the concern--and it makes me sad sometimes, but not really depressed.
While I've never chimed in during past discussions of you personal life, I can just say this Vector, one hopeless person to another: You have no idea how wrong you are. I don't want to say anything sexist, and I certainly don't want to say anything like the word "settle", but all you have to do is let love happen. I promise, there's a mob of guys beating down your door, and while most of them are probably shlubbs, I've no doubt that there's plenty you can find something in.
It's not a comfortable subject for anyone to talk about, for me especially, but all I can say is, never give up hope. It's when you do that there's truly no chance of things changing. There's not a lot else I can say about the rest, heavy a subject as it is, and me not wanting to offend. But you're not alone in anxiety. No one is.
*sigh*
Thanks, Aqizzar. Your advice is, as always, welcome and appreciated, should you choose to give it. I'll try not to eat you.
And to Solifuge/Tack: I imagine I may have come off a bit strongly, there, so I should probably backpedal a bit. I've been fighting this for a long time. I dismissed the possibility of bipolar-related disorders many times, and decided that I just wasn't trying hard enough.
The reason why I'm yelling at you so hard is because I've spent a good long while saying "Oh, come on, it's not that bad. You don't need any kind of medication whatsoever! You need to man up/change your lifestyle/stop whimpering/realize that this is just part of the human condition. Everything is just fine."
I've finally decided that it might be time to try something else. It's been a long fight, and yes--I'll admit that I've lost. I didn't win against whatever the hell this is. It's too bad. I ended up needing help.
At least the story doesn't have to end here.
Ugh. Now I'm waffling again. I told the psychologist that I might be doing Munchausen's-style trickery. I told her I was frightened I was lying for attention. I mostly gave her the symptoms that other people have observed and complained about, since I've determined that I'm a lying narrator. Okay? I've already had this argument with myself. I've brought up everything you folks have said over and over and over again.
I still question whether or not the Asperger's is real or I tricked people into thinking I had it because I had some odd desire to be special (it doesn't make sense as a motivation, by the way. I have more than enough sycophants, and a couple people who wanted to start a cult with me at the head
). I've been asking that question for a year and a half now, thinking and thinking.
I understand that this looks bad. Vector broke up and suddenly she thinks she's bipolar. No, Vector has been wondering about the possible bipolar for a few years now, more strongly suspecting for the past six months (i.e. when she solved the problems in her life and she kept on having gigantic mood swings right and left). She has been carefully taking data and wondering about what is going on with her.
Mostly, she accepted everything as a part of normal life, but now she can't do that anymore. The data has reached critical mass, and it's time to act.
Vector: Apologies if I jumped to conclusions. I'm just soapboxing as per usual, from a position of partial understanding. I think you know more about what's going on in these regards than anyone else can, given your exclusive access to your mind, experiences, and life. I'd second Aquizzar's words too, for what that's worth, and would add that it's really not fair to be that hard on yourself, especially when only expressing negatives. At any rate, good luck navigating this.
Yeah, sorry. I'm sick of this, and I'm sick of arguing with myself over this. I'm tired of the mess, and at the bottom of everything I really just want everything to settle down and be reasonable--and I feel like I'm
almost there, to the place where I won't be just living down one crisis after another with no break, for year after year.
I can see, to be honest, that your advice is really very good (makes me feel even worse for blowing up at you >_>). It's just that my suspension of disbelief only goes so far. I can want to live in a fairy tale, but I don't.
As far as being hard on myself goes, I know I have a large number of good points, which in my opinion more than outweigh the bad (hey, I think I look nice, even if others think I'm a textbook example of jolie laide). I mostly wanted to point out that I have enough "deal-breaking" bad points that adding one more doesn't really frighten me. I mean... seriously, people. "Less desirable?" I'm a freakishly obsessive math student, for crying out loud. I'm well aware of what that means to most people, particularly when viewed with my more, uh, obvious personal quirks.
*sigh* It's not that I've lost all hope. It's that logically, I am aware of what seems possible, what seems likely, and so on. My logical expectation is a life spent alone. Knowing that, however, I will
never give up. That's not the sort of person I am.
Warning: not for sensitive readers >_>
None in my stool, but I barfed some up and I could kind of "taste" it inside of me. It feels like it's all clotted at this point though so it's pretty good.
You might want to go get a fecal occult blood test. It will test for blood in the stool that is not visibly apparent, and can find out if you're bleeding somewhere along your GI tract.
Alternatively, if you've had a really bad case of the flu recently (more than twenty instances of vomiting over the course of a day or so, to the point that it is almost entirely bile) or some kind of other trauma to your upper GI tract, this could be (mostly) normal. In any case, it'd probably be a good idea to go see a doctor--bleeding stomach walls are serious business and may be indicative of deeper issues.
* Disclaimer: I know very little about medicine.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9471341 times)