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[Jackrabbit]

Perhaps if you are socially inept at talking to strangers on the phone this was the wrong place to go for?

[JoshuaFH]

Which reminds me of another thing that's making me sad. As none of you might know, I've started seeing a counselor to get a grip on my numerous rarely-discussed emotional problems. He's knowledgeable, but horrifically talkative and will spend a good deal of my hour putting things into perspective and explaining things at great length. I got some superficial problems down, but I just can't discuss anything deeper than that. I don't know what my problem is, but it's like whenever I want to talk about something even remotely emotional pertaining to myself, it mixes in with my immovably strong strong stigma of alienating others and letting others know about myself that paralyzes my ability to talk at all, and I'm completely unable to articulate what I want to say.

It's bothersome, as is my emotional neediness as of late. I'm am getting alot better at ping pong though, and that makes me happy.

[Footkerchief]

Which reminds me of another thing that's making me sad. As none of you might know, I've started seeing a counselor to get a grip on my numerous rarely-discussed emotional problems. He's knowledgeable, but horrifically talkative and will spend a good deal of my hour putting things into perspective and explaining things at great length. I got some superficial problems down, but I just can't discuss anything deeper than that. I don't know what my problem is, but it's like whenever I want to talk about something even remotely emotional pertaining to myself, it mixes in with my immovably strong strong stigma of alienating others and letting others know about myself that paralyzes my ability to talk at all, and I'm completely unable to articulate what I want to say.

It's bothersome, as is my emotional neediness as of late. I'm am getting alot better at ping pong though, and that makes me happy.

Would it help if you wrote about it ahead of time and then showed that to him?

[JoshuaFH]

Maybe, because I'm somewhat good at communicating here, but if you ever met me in real life, then you'd find that I'm extremely quiet and reserved.

I don't mind it here though, since this is like a zero-consequence haven of sorts, but in real life I have this sort of fear of emotions. I often picture myself as being callous and having a heart of stone, and so when anything emotional comes along, I just suppress it. It's become easy, as I've been doing it for years, and so considering the idea of writing down my thoughts, it's kind of disgusting. I say that because I can barely give these things verbal form, but giving them a permanent physical form is unbearably sappy. Now, I'm not explaining things very well, and that's intentional, but let's just say that it ties very closely into my inferiority complex, and me feeling unworthy of being alive, yet alone having emotional closure.

[ToonyMan]

My therapist laughs at what I say too much.

[Jackrabbit]

If he's not trying to be friendly by laughing, kick him in the balls.

Or complain, whatever.

[ToonyMan]

She doesn't have any balls.

[Diablous]

She doesn't have any balls.

I hear hitting a woman in the breasts is an good equivalent.

[Jackrabbit]

Then just ask her to stop and complain if she doesn't.

[Armok]

Which reminds me of another thing that's making me sad. As none of you might know, I've started seeing a counselor to get a grip on my numerous rarely-discussed emotional problems. He's knowledgeable, but horrifically talkative and will spend a good deal of my hour putting things into perspective and explaining things at great length. I got some superficial problems down, but I just can't discuss anything deeper than that. I don't know what my problem is, but it's like whenever I want to talk about something even remotely emotional pertaining to myself, it mixes in with my immovably strong strong stigma of alienating others and letting others know about myself that paralyzes my ability to talk at all, and I'm completely unable to articulate what I want to say.

It's bothersome, as is my emotional neediness as of late. I'm am getting alot better at ping pong though, and that makes me happy.

Show him this post. No edits no anything. Just exactly as you have written it here, no excuses.

[ToonyMan]

Then just ask her to stop and complain if she doesn't.

Oh, she's not laughing at me, I just get irritated when people try to make me feel good.

[Jackrabbit]

Then the first one. She's your therapist, right? If she's making you uncomfortable, you've gotta tell her, although I can understand why you haven't. I've been in that situation before.

[Itnetlolor]

DFMA is still bugging me; got my second update up, but can only get 1 POI made because it bogs my computer down insanely, and Firefox seems to lock up when I post a POI.

What gives?

Oh, and a short time after posting my first update, my computer decided to shut itself down, and upon turning on again, my DVD player whines at me. Got it working again and did a virus scan to be sure. I think I might have enough time to pull a 3rd update, and call it for the night. However, I am uncertain if I can beat Toady to finishing. As far as I can calculate, I need 4 more sessions to finish in time, including tonight. Tuesday (Lost and V) might get in the way though.

[ToonyMan]

God dammit I need to type about my lack of fire inside me.

     Meh, I've been without a fire inside forever now, maybe I never had a fire inside me I don't know.  I need some ENTHUSIASM.  SOME SPIRIT.  Typing words into a keyboard with shift held down does not make.  Funny enough my grades have improved over time during my depression...no it's not a depression.  It's more like complete apath-not really that either.  Just, I don't have excitement in me.  Apathy probably best describes it.  Last Friday I had that SkillsUSA whoha stuff.  I spent two hours taking a math test and then the next 12 hours doing NOTHING.  This incredibly boring day drained all my energy, but lo and behold when we went to the award ceremony FINALLY most of the kids there were acted insane.  They were making human ladders, jumping up and down, running, etc.  I really couldn't take it so I had to step outside a few times so I didn't throw up from the ear-bleeding noise and rough housing.  I couldn't believe this was an award ceremony.  One teacher said after a long tiring day "normal" kids get antsy and want to release all their energy, whatever.  I had zero since the beginning of the day.  Well, after a depressing reveal on the math winners I found out I didn't win, that wasn't the depressing part.  I don't give two shits about winning some trophy made in China that was made for whoever won.  I would want a trophy made for ME by-the-way.  The sad part was that one of the Seniors in my shop REALLY wanted to come in first so he could compete Nationally.  Math was his life...he came in second.  That's means he gets nothing.  NOTHING.  I'm surprised he came in today (heh), but it's good that he did.  I felt so bad for him, I wouldn't want to win first win I knew someone else actually wanted this badly.
     That's the thing, I'm supposedly some no-good, irresponsible, party-driven 16 year old, but *cough*because of some things*cough* I ain't exactly what you'd call a "normal 16 year old".  I excel in all my grades, but I don't freakin' care about anything.  It's the only fuel I got left and I am NOT a quitter by any means.  I may have no fire, no spirit, but I am going to win when I want it.  Don't expect any less of me.  I may be broken and messed up, but I've do more than what I'm asked.  God do I hate when some teacher is encouraging some random smuck to get a C- on his next BIG TEST.  OH GOD A BIG TEST.  Bah, I don't even study for tests or anything.  I just use what I got and make do.
     I'm not sure if what I'm doing right now is what the normal load someone does, I don't think it is, but I don't want to be naive and cocky and say I'm better than everyone else.  I know doing this makes people loathe you.  Good advice, don't say you're in the best at everything in a class full of people.  I said that just to show my confidence and everyone took it the wrong way, everyone GOT OFFENDED because they thought I was challenging them or something.  I was just showing my confidence people!  Which I hardly show anyway because it's pretty non-existence.  GOD DAMN.  I feel so weird right now.  Like I'm doing something wrong right now.  Why can't you know what.  Tomorrow I'm going to show HOT-BLOODEDNESS.  RAGING CONFIDENCE.

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM

[Solifuge]

I believe you are experiencing a catharsis. Go with it. Yours is the pen that will pierce the 90% percentile!

More seriously, I daresay you would do good to learn to embrace the moment. Each moment of your life comes only once, so make the best of it. "As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life."

P.S. I now will mentally picture everything you say coming from Kamina.