God dammit I need to type about my lack of fire inside me.
Meh, I've been without a fire inside forever now, maybe I never had a fire inside me I don't know. I need some ENTHUSIASM. SOME SPIRIT. Typing words into a keyboard with shift held down does not make. Funny enough my grades have improved over time during my depression...no it's not a depression. It's more like complete apath-not really that either. Just, I don't have excitement in me. Apathy probably best describes it. Last Friday I had that SkillsUSA whoha stuff. I spent two hours taking a math test and then the next 12 hours doing NOTHING. This incredibly boring day drained all my energy, but lo and behold when we went to the award ceremony FINALLY most of the kids there were acted insane. They were making human ladders, jumping up and down, running, etc. I really couldn't take it so I had to step outside a few times so I didn't throw up from the ear-bleeding noise and rough housing. I couldn't believe this was an award ceremony. One teacher said after a long tiring day "normal" kids get antsy and want to release all their energy, whatever. I had zero since the beginning of the day. Well, after a depressing reveal on the math winners I found out I didn't win, that wasn't the depressing part. I don't give two shits about winning some trophy made in China that was made for whoever won. I would want a trophy made for ME by-the-way. The sad part was that one of the Seniors in my shop REALLY wanted to come in first so he could compete Nationally. Math was his life...he came in second. That's means he gets nothing. NOTHING. I'm surprised he came in today (heh), but it's good that he did. I felt so bad for him, I wouldn't want to win first win I knew someone else actually wanted this badly.
That's the thing, I'm supposedly some no-good, irresponsible, party-driven 16 year old, but *cough*because of some things*cough* I ain't exactly what you'd call a "normal 16 year old". I excel in all my grades, but I don't freakin' care about anything. It's the only fuel I got left and I am NOT a quitter by any means. I may have no fire, no spirit, but I am going to win when I want it. Don't expect any less of me. I may be broken and messed up, but I've do more than what I'm asked. God do I hate when some teacher is encouraging some random smuck to get a C- on his next BIG TEST. OH GOD A BIG TEST. Bah, I don't even study for tests or anything. I just use what I got and make do.
I'm not sure if what I'm doing right now is what the normal load someone does, I don't think it is, but I don't want to be naive and cocky and say I'm better than everyone else. I know doing this makes people loathe you. Good advice, don't say you're in the best at everything in a class full of people. I said that just to show my confidence and everyone took it the wrong way, everyone GOT OFFENDED because they thought I was challenging them or something. I was just showing my confidence people! Which I hardly show anyway because it's pretty non-existence. GOD DAMN. I feel so weird right now. Like I'm doing something wrong right now. Why can't you know what. Tomorrow I'm going to show HOT-BLOODEDNESS. RAGING CONFIDENCE.
WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM