Okay, on a rather more important note than Tales of Symphonia. For most of my life, I've been depressed. Quite depressed. Depressed to the point of mood swings, hallucination(s), delusions that people were trying to kill me, and recurrent spells of deep depression that just won't go away and keep away. I have nasty nightmares and often find myself crying for absolutely no reason, and I can end up just sitting there sobbing for hours while I try to figure out what I'm so damnably depressed over.
Now, right around now is when Rosewood's mother Willow (sure, whatever, it's a tree) suspects that I'm bipolar (she has three severely bipolar siblings), since I also have crazy periods where I work all day, eat five meals and am still hungry, and wake up fully energized after 5 hours feeling ridiculously happy and prepared to work all day. I also have cousins who tend to be either ridiculously absurdly jovial or totally enraged hellcats, taking the piss out of anyone and everyone. It's a coin toss as to which they'll be at a given family gathering.
The problem is that mood-altering drugs are being suggested--and suggested very strongly--and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't want to end up being someone who isn't me, and I'm scared that the altered mood will result in a shifted personality. Hell, I don't want to be bipolar, either. I've already been diagnosed with Asperger's (in the "Wow, your disorder is extraordinarily obvious and immediately recognizable" sort of way), and that's more than enough for me.
I'm glad I get a choice, but this isn't a decision I want to have to make. I feel like I've already had more than enough bullshit in my life--long years of suffering and fighting on, and I just want it to be over with. I don't really seem to need therapy. I've fought my demons and won, and gotten a clean break from everything that was haunting me.
I'm just depressed. Over and over again, for absolutely no reason, I'm depressed. I wish I had some idea as to what to do.
Being the internet, I can say things that most people I encounter on a daily basis don't hear.
I've had a rather severe depressive thing going on and off for most of my life. When I was considerably younger and less disciplined, I couldn't recognize the pattern, and during extremely depressive events I'd often get physically self destructive (had a brush with pretty close suicide attempts, etc). It continues to affect me today, albeit in far less extreme ways... I tend to have periods withdrawn detachment, melancholy, and lack of drive; alternating with periods of energy, drive, and creativity. I've not had it diagnosed, but I suspect this isn't full-fledged manic-depression, but rather just depression, and the resulting upswing from the low points passing.
Every person exhibits differing degrees of "psychological disorders", and in fact these disorders are just names for the extremes of certain mental traits: "Schizophrenia" is in the broadest sense just what happens when the brain attributes Too Much meaning to the world, in that you begin to interpret the little things people say, the sounds you hear, and the patterns you see as having meaning which they don't necessarily have... your brain in turn tends to rationalize this by creating sensations that aren't there as well. "Depression" is the counterpoint to this, in that your brain attributes Too Little meaning to things, where you find trouble seeing the purpose in doing something... even though you can logically know that it needs to be done, or would be enjoyable to do (which it often is, regardless).
Believe it or not, I'm actually moving toward another depression right now, but I do my best to keep a mask of happiness on, because it tends to make others happy... which in turn tends to rub off on me and help keep my mood level. Such things are different for everyone, but recognizing my depression as a pattern, and one which I can exert conscious control over, was hugely empowering for me in overcoming it. When I see that I'm headed towards a downswing, I try to spend the time doing passive things that I still enjoy, like reading books, watching shows I've been meaning to catch, and hanging out in non-active group activities with friends. When I'm on an upswing, I channel that energy into long-standing projects that I've been meaning to tackle, be they creative or otherwise. I've done what I can to channel what is viewed as a disorder into a natural rhythm by which I can live, and have never felt a personal need to medicate it. I just do my best to recognize when it's affecting my judgment, and let that knowledge keep the depression from influencing my decisions.
However, for everyone it's different; there are some issues that are best left to medication, especially if they are inhibiting what you want to be able to do. Therapy doesn't universally end in medication either; in fact, oftentimes they prefer to teach personal methods for coping with things first, and medicate if it's too much for someone to jump right in and tackle. Heck, even my friend with an anxiety disorder has developed the tools needed to handle anxiety attacks, and has gotten better about them each year. The best first step would be in rationalizing it. Sometimes, you make a depression worse by focusing on and acting on it, so try to think about how significantly it affects you, and consciously work out ways you can do the things you need to, as you would at any other time. If you think you need help learning the ways to handle it, seek someone trained in therapy, and they can help you work out a plan for understanding and dealing with it, far better than I could.
In the meantime, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and in time it'll pass.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9477106 times)