Blargh. I'm afraid I can't be too helpful for you, since I'm in a somewhat similar situation... but I think that all you can really try to do is find a peaceful place where things are easier. Through time, that race gets easier and more peaceful, and there are rewards along the way. It's just that the very first part is so hard that it looks and feels impossible.
If you can keep going through the beginning of the race, I swear it gets easier over time. You'll still feel like this sometimes--I know I certainly do--but you just have to realize that you're cutting your own path, and doing something that others are incapable of doing. They may have their shaded roof and car ride, but you've got your own legs that can carry you farther and faster than they can even dream of. It's not about a successful career--that won't be hard for you to secure. It's about something beyond that, and nearly intangible, and a reason to continue living. If you truly hate what you're doing, then you should stop. If there's some reason you have for continuing, however, or if you genuinely can't stop, then you need to realize that you're making certain sacrifices and think about what you really want.
The thing, though, is that you can't let your stress eat you. You have to train yourself to relax--not in a "taking lots of time off" sort of way, but in a "remembering to breathe" sort of way. It's not about "stopping to enjoy life," it's about seeing things as they are. You're doing well, and you're trying to do even more well, but that doesn't mean that an occasional failure will end your life. People always told me that life was a hard and unforgiving place where everyone is trying to kill you, but that's simply not true. You can make mistakes and recover from them, and everything will end up fine.
If you find that you're lonely and need support, then you need to go get those things. It's not a matter of needing more will. People need kindness, and you're not weak for that. Sometimes, we even find that we can't find tenderness with our own parents, which is a tragedy, but we have to move on. But you see, doodabuddy, if you need someone to help take care of you then you're going to have to reach out (which is, I suppose, what you're doing here).
Don't worry about contradicting yourself. Just look for the truth, and don't punish yourself--since punishment is a waste of time. You just have to do what you can and see how it goes.
I don't know. I'm lucky--I have Rosewood, who started taking care of me a couple of years ago and has helped me out of the hard places ever since. I've also convinced a handful of professors to watch out for me and make sure I'm doing okay (possibly by being batshit insane all over their tests, but oh well). The truth is, though, that I'm still very much like you. I'm looking for a safe place where I can lie down and rest my feet for a while, but I don't think any exists and I'm frightened I'll spend the rest of my life running, only to get nowhere in the end.
On the other hand, though, we can't allow ourselves to be ruled by nonsensical fears--so keep believing in your bright future, and I will, too.
Vector, you really should look up Friendly AI, I think it might fit you once your done with your current maths, and the area needs more mathematicians like you. Especially look up the SIAI website.
Heh. Rosewood has already warned me away from P=NP as his territory, so I think I'm keeping far, far away from AI and computer science for now (especially because it's filled with all those nasty application things). Thanks for the suggestion, though. The truth is that I already have a particular open problem I'm looking at, and if I manage to get anywhere near it it will probably cost my life to complete.
Damn it, Vector, do NOT go melancholy on us from a failed mood! Worthwhile migrants are hard to come by!
Sorry...your post just seriously reminded me of a dwarf working on an artifact in that 'perfection or oblivion' sort of way.
I'm trying not to ;_; I think I'm kind of melancholy for other reasons, though, but hopefully that will go away. I felt better today.
Follow your inner muses. As in all things, they will guide you down the path of awesome. The same goes for your studies; if mathematics interest you, go for it. You may be allowing your education and degree to define yourself too much. I'm a biology major, and I happen to love the outdoors. I also love computer games, digital art, good cooking, cutting-edge science, fantasy novels, brittish humor, jazz music, and theoretical physics. I'm fascinated by the vastness and complexity of the universe, the bredth and depth of variety in the human experience, and how we fit into the big picture.
I warrent most people are as varried in their interests, but we often push those aside and talk about our careers, our talents, etc. We are immensely complex creatures, so don't let something as minor as a piece of paper that says "I am certified to know my shit" limit or define what you feel you are, or what your capabilities as a human being are.
It's not that I think they're going to eat me. It's that I have no idea as to what I should say... and I have very few interests that anyone else seems to really care about. Someone says "how are you doing"--well, how in the heck am I supposed to respond to that? I barely remember the past month. I can't remember what
season it is, for crying out loud, or that the sun being bright outside means it will be warm.
Then they talk about socializing, their friends, blah blah blah... and I haven't made any friends. I've been in college for two years, almost, and it's not like I have a bunch of stories about Crazy Shit I Did or knowledge of anything of interest to anyone else. I mean, sure, if you really want to know about the intricacies of Japanese manners, algebra, or the linguistics of rhyme... well, I'm your girl. Same goes for swapping embarrassing stories about professors or nearly dying of overwork, but when it comes to parties, drinking, and whatever, I can't say anything. I don't know about the current political situation, TV shows, or behavior of the younger generation.
I've made this choice, and I'm all right with it. The only trouble is that it makes socializing
really, really hard.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9800908 times)