So, i guess i should talk about this. I'm not really sure if this should go in the happy or sad thread, but i suppose here is better for the subject matter.
I dont know how to start or how to talk about this or whatever but ugh.
i suppose i'll start with the main point - about a month ago today i was seriously considering suicide. I'd planned to ask my parents to take me to a gun range or something and i guess the overall idea then is kinda obvious. I'd other plans too, but it's best to skip those. Guns were easiest. I'm feeling better now, i guess. I feel a desire to do it sometimes, but not as seriously. I'm no good at explaining things. I'm not sure how to convey how i felt. i suppose i managed to convince myself that people only ever lied to me about liking me just because they're good people and like didn't want me to be sad or w/e. I thought that i would just continue being alone with no one doing anything beyond tolerate me because they're so kind and im just a terrible person. all you can ever do is hurt people and get in their way, you have no use. i cant help these people, who deserve someone better. you should just get out of their way, before you hurt them. more. i dont know.
they'd be happier without you, in the long run. they dont need you dragging them down and hurting them with your feelings. your feelings. you're probably making them up anyways. you just want their attention, you dont deserve that. they dont think you do, they havent tried talking to you at all anyways
i think it was the 27th that i tried to reach out to the person i'd clung to and bothered the most, who i might've called my best friend if i were worth such a thing. i think cinder also tried talking to me, happening to occur in the time while i was still trying to convince myself that this wasnt a terrible, horrible idea. cinder kind of helped, i think, but i think just did it without thinking. while id like to say they helped and i felt better soon after because something, not quite. i felt a lot worse and i felt like i was right, they didnt want to interact with you, they only tolerated you, etc. I was crying, a lot, and just generally sitting on the floor shaking and feeling absolutely horrible. and stuff. as such, i was an ass and acted very salty i guess. and naturally i felt worse. i felt certain, and stuff. however they i did (saltily) accept. i was just going to watch for a couple days and then leave off again. i spent the next day feeling the same, but then i remembered that i could see what people said before i joined the chat. so i spent the next like 2 hours scrolling up in the chat until i reached where i joined. i expected them to be dismissive or condescending or w/e, of which i was (obviously, in hindsight) wrong. i found that they were kinda close to how i were feeling and might actually kind of care in a not-fake way. so in stuck around longer, and got more involved and stuff. then like i was invited to that first chaotic meeting, which actually convinced me to not, y'know. or at least to wait.
things progresively got a bit better, and so im still here. i'd been hoping to do the thing today, or soon, not too long ago. so yeah. also it might be worth mentioning that for about three or four months now i've been having sometimes frequent sometimes occasional dreams about doing it and all that. so yeah.
at the moment im trying to live for that friend, or the whole group, or something. it's hard to do, but im fine at least until school starts, and then i will be good for a while until next summer when you are inevitably abandoned again.
im sorry for the long post, it probably doesn't matter much to all of you, but i guess i dont really care.
now for the hard part of telling those people who im sticking around with. so y'know
also i've written this at about 1am and all that so please forgive me if it seems ive forgotten to explain or mention something or w/e
oh and uh, sorry for like taking up all the threads as of late. im probably being annoying but whatever i guess. sorry if ive upset anyone
also i have to be gone for a bit so y'know
edit: I just noticed that I was saying "you" for a bunch of parts and that's me talking to myself not, like, you. I'm talking to me not you; don't think that. Sorry.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9700828 times)