Ohhh boy. Was having a pretty good day, including but not limited to a double rainbow, but now, right before i am about to go to sleep, all the usual depressing thoughts return. Probably helped along a bit by a minor argument with mom, about the usual "shook is terrible at planning his time and apparently doesn't want to succeed at life at all" thing. Did i mention how i hate it when she puts words in my mouth? Because i do.
That argument alone wouldn't do much bad on it's own, though. I've heard it SO MANY times before, and if it was as simple as just being like YO I'M ALL FIXED UP NOW YAY, i wouldn't still be having the problems. I forgive her for the outbreaks though, because i know that she's only saying such things because she doesn't want to see me turn into a failure, and she's probably a bit frustrated by the persistence of the problems. I know i am. :I (and make no mistake, when she's not angry, she's a very loving mother)
I know i spend a lot of time gaming, but i wouldn't say i'm addicted, at least not severely so. Perhaps mildly, but it's not like i don't have other joys in my life. It's just... Well, this might sound extremely alarming to you at first, but hold your horses for just a moment; i'm struggling to find the elusive meaning of my life, since it's being made abundantly clear that you generally can't live for joy and entertainment alone. I REALLY WANT to make the best of this life, but i'm probably extremely delusional about what that actually entails. I like laughing, i like seeing people laughing, and i like making others laugh. I wouldn't behave as a loonie if that wasn't the case. I like to bring this loonieness into the things that i'm doing (which HOPEFULLY shows on my drawings and such), because otherwise it just turns into a chore. I've probably not had enough chores in my childhood, because as soon as something turns into "do this thing because you have to/i say so", all motivation tends to jump out the window (unless it's something i enjoy, of course). This is VERY BAD for studying and getting a degree, something that is almost mandatory in the western world if you are to get a good job.
Naturally, this generally gets me stamped as a lazy slacker. That's obviously not entirely wrong, but it's not quite right either. A more applicable term would be "energy efficient". I will do things as well as i can with the energy that i've allotted to the task at hand. This has the side effect of making me a bit of a nut about optimizing things, and as it stands, the educational system SEEMS horribly inefficient to me, which grates my very soul. Spending so much time on classes that i won't necessarily even need is... Not efficient.
I know that this particular trait is probably fairly desirable for an engineer, but i still don't feel suited for the task at all. Engineering tasks have to be done systematically, methodically and to rigidly defined standards. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing, because it ensures at least SOME degree of product quality, it's just... Not really how i like to work, at all. I don't want to sound full of myself, but i believe "free spirit" is another fairly relevant term, although in my case, it's probably more negative than positive. It's certainly not doing me any favours in regards to securing and/or earning a living, and most people would probably just call me a hopeless daydreamer or idealist.
... But what else am i going to do? I want to keep living, that much is certain, but beyond that... I just don't know. Every potentially appealing profession seems to be either notoriously impenetrable, highly competitive or incredibly stressful in reality (or any combination of these), and i'm not really one for competitions. I just feel like there's being asked for more than i can give without consequence to myself. :/
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9464744 times)