See, this week I finally cracked down and decided I need to get things done. I actually started spending most of my day doing homework, then college prep. When I was done, I'd estimated I'd have an hour of free time every day, but my parents often made me watch two episodes House with them, so I lost some time. This pushed my free time farther into the night. Then, I'd have to wake up extra early some days because my dad wanted me to go run. I managed to slog through the work and make it this week in hopes that I'd get tons of free time in the weekend.
Meanwhile, we have knowledge bowl.
She also stated that if for the next competition, I end up on Team B instead of Team A, she's not even going to bother taking me to the competition. Yeah, sure, it's not like I've got an entire team depending on me. It's not like I've already been assigned a specialty (Science) so I can help my team better. It's not like they need, y'know, people on their team. I'll just tell them I can't go because my mom only wants to win everything.
Some of you might remember this. You probably don't, but that's because it happened quite a while ago and nobody memorizes what happens to everyone (Check the actual quote for extra context).
Much more recent (in fact, this week):
I get to be the only kid who recieves their competiton admittance letter with head hung low in shame.
Yay, I guess.
The two are related.
Yes, I am probably gonna end up on Team B.
I gave my mother the letter, and she said that she was afraid to sign it because she didn't know which team I'd end up in and if signing it makes you obliged to go, so if I ended up on team B she'd be fucked (this actually is what she said: that
she'd be fucked- because of course this is all about her). When she asked me, and I told her I would like going no matter which team, she replied in a negative connotation that I just go to have fun and I don't give a fuck about winningEventually she signed.
Shenanigans of the not-so-fun kind ensued, my mother told me today that she doesn't see me practicing (Yeah, I should practice every day, I know. I should also practice every day for knowledge bowl. And cross country, and I should also exercise and read every day and study more, and seriously do you think I can pull time out of nothing? I don't have enough time as it is now.)and how the other kids wake up at 4 am to practice and how I don't deserve it, and she's not paying for that so I'm going alone (this is actually a good thing).
Anyways, that demoralized me quite a bit, and getting told that I should be ashamed of myself made me lose my excitement about the weekend.
Today, I also learned that even when I started working on homework everyday, due to my fantastically crappy memory things and procrastination habits slipped and I was missing a lot of work, plus I needed to do a ton of research for a project due this sunday. Teachers sent grades today. I silently prayed my mom wouldn't check. I came home to realize that I would probably spend a large part of the weekend working, which killed my hopes a bit. So I felt glum. Especially so coupled with knowledge bowl stuff.
Then, I decided I wouldn't let it get to me. At first I wanted to relax for today and work tomorrow, and got stuck in that in-between state. Then I realized I won't get anything done like that, as I always procrastinate. I decided to do everything these first few days, then maybe get a bit of sunday free.
I started working on my research, and I managed to get a considerable amount of work done, probably during the lapse of two straight hours with a computer that is glitching out as I write the research down and forces me to use a tiny screen.
Then my mom found my grades.
She got angry, asked me if she should just take me to a public school (Public schooling is absolutely horrible here. Terrifyingly so), because she didn't know why she was wasting money for. Some berating was had, she told me I don't deserve to go to my friends house tomorrow in the morning, and she asked me why I don't give a fuck (I actually do, hence the fact that I actually started working to fix it).
Of course, this did not do any good for how I was feeling.
So yeah, rollercoaster day. I get excited and feel good, and suddenly nope I get to hear about how I'm worthless for not being as perfect as my mom wants me to be.