Sooo. I was depressed a few years back, but I managed to pull myself out of it. I've made it two years, amassed a new set of friends, and I'm finally getting out of the shell I made around myself. I make it to a few days ago, aaanddd it's back. In force. As in suicide thoughts, the whole shebang. Completely out of the fucking blue. I would never go through with it, because I have a sister and parents and I'm not going to do that to them, but my mind has this horrible tendency of just looping through something, usually a conversation, again and again and again. So for the whole 1/2 hour of lunch break I had to keep going over something like this:
Brain: "You know, you could just kill yourself. You have that half an hour after school before anyone's around."
Me:"No. I'm not going to. What about [sister]? I'm not gonna do that to her."
All the while having different images of my loved ones finding my corpse.
It's not even like I believe there to be an afterlife, and I sure as hell don't want oblivion, so WHY THE FUCK do I have this constant, nudging urge to go off myself. I hate it, I have no clue why it's back, and I'm so fucking sick of it. I've been through this once, and god damn do I not want to do it again.
You know what sucks the most? I can't fucking tell anyone. I don't know why, I have tried, but if I go for help, I rehearse the conversation a dozen damn times in my head, but then I go completely fucking mute when I go to talk and I can't say a damn word. I can't tell my parents, my sister, my friends, and I came damn close to deleting this as well. Fuck this shit. Just, fuck this shit.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9702136 times)