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[MetalSlimeHunt]

Anxiety was too strong to sleep tonight.

[hops]

I need to keep a lid on my jealousy when someone is complimented.

EDIT: In fact, I think I have Aphrodite-level sort of bitchiness and jealousy when I'm jealous about someone's attractiveness, except that I'm not actually attractive unlike Aphrodite I guess.

[Tack]

Jealousy is fear of losing what you have.
Envy is wanting what you don't.

Englishcommie Awaaaaay!

[TD1]

On the plus side, you weren't born of blood and sea as Aphrodite was.

[hops]

Does seamen count?

[hops]

Also on that line of thought, I'm really wondering, are most people actually sincere when they tell people something along the line of "You're gorgeous/beautiful/etc."?

I mean, I tend to find most people aesthetically unpleasant in my opinion, but I still tell them they're beautiful and such when they're being hard on themselves because hey, they have passable appearance, but they sure ain't gorgeous. In fact, I'm less likely to compliment someone the more attractive they are because they infuriate me.

And maybe I'm projecting here, but I feel like it's the same way when people compliment my appearance. I mean, I'm ugly as shit and I don't really know why I should show my face. I acknowledge it as a conscious ego boost on my part, but the whole practice is kind of rendered moot when I can't really take compliments at face value.

[Descan]

* Descan punches Objective in the face

[hops]

Ow.

[TD1]

I think it's probably just you. At least, when someone's down I don't say "You look great, by the way!"

That just would sound weird. Besides, presumably if someone's going to be complimented in such a way, it's because they feel bad specifically about their looks. My approach on that is kay sirrah sirrah.

In other words, you can't change looks. To yourself, you're ugly. To others, you're middlin, and to others beautiful. Beauty is opinion.

Besides, I prefer judging people on their inside, though I do believe I'm occasionally fooled. Then again, who isn't?

Really, to people who cry about looks I say "Man up." perhaps a bit tough, but essentially they don't matter. A relationship, friend or girl/boyfriend is shallow if built only on looks, and will eventually collapse.

[DJ]

If I compliment somebody's looks on my own I really mean it, if they ask for my opinion and I say they look great, I'm usually just being nice. I'm pretty sure most people do the same. And it's not just looks, same goes for pretty much any trait.

[Skyrunner]

I efficiently procrastinated studying for the AP Biology test tomorrow by coding up a Javascript thing! WOOO

[JoshuaFH]

Spoiler: spoilered to keep the post shorter. (click to show/hide)

I just hate myself. I think I just have fit too tightly into this miserable mold of my life, and anyone else placed into my shoes would've just killed themselves a long time ago and saved themselves the trouble.

Though really this is just one of my moods again, I'm going to sleep soon.

In recent news, I'm squaring and corning myself into an objective this time, something to aim my aimless life at, and that's to actually break out into a residence of my own. Though the idea is still scary, and I'm not sure what I'd do from there, it's the idea of adding arbitrary elements into my life to potentially give it meaning.

This is going to be an expensive endeavor, I'm looking for a possible roommate, but the idea of rooming with a stranger is terrifying. Just terrifying, but it's not like I have anyone else. Every person is just a new bundle of problems wrapped in flesh, and I know they have an inalienably greater right to personhood than I do. That's the painful part of even being in public, I know everyone else stands on a greater terrace than I do, just looking people in the eye feels dishonest on my part, like I'm simply pretending to be an equal in this terrible society.

I'm utterly disgusted with myself for telling my therapist that I wanted to kill myself, but it was just the simplest explanation for my feelings. I could have worded it better, something along the lines of just objectively feeling my life is worthless, and that such a life has no value in the world, and thus it doesn't matter whether I'm existing or not, and therefore I'd prefer to not exist. It's hard to articulate that into words though, when someone's speaking to you, and I didn't even think to properly write it down, when I WAS writing things down. Just disgusting, just insufferable, it's been biting at my conscience all week. I'll have to make reparations.

I'm off to bed now. I have work again tonight. It's a lonely and isolating job, like all other aspects of my life, but I guess someone has to do it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

You sound like me, dude. Similar manners of thinking at least.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. You want to improve your life, that's good. You already expect yourself to fail though, which will only hinder any effort to improve your life. You think you're worthless and going to fail no matter what you do, which just makes any effort on your part seem pointless/worthless/unhelpful/etc. When you do fail, it only reinforces your negative image of yourself, and makes you think that you will fail at whatever else you attempt to improve your life. This makes you feel even less enthusiastic or optimistic about improving your life. Which lowers your self image even more, because you think you're stuck in a rut and you can't do anything good to change it and you're a terrible worthless failure. Regardless of whether the rest of the world agrees that you're worthless or not, you're convincing yourself that your worthless and powerless.

You're basically hindering yourself. You're digging your own emotional ditch, and the cycle is just going to keep going unless you stop digging.

But you do want to make changes, otherwise you wouldn't feel sad about it or take the time and effort to make a post about it on a forum on the internet. That's good. You still have some will to live, at least.

So, uh, yeah. You're not completely hopeless. Go try and change your life like you want it to be. Whether or not it works like you want it to, you're still trying. Whether you're trying or not, you at least want to try. Feel good about that at least. It could be worse.

Hopefully I'm not sticking my foot in my mouth and completely missing the mark or something with this post, I'm trying to help. I've thought like what you described, and it sucks. No one deserves that.

Some of it may just be that I'm living with my Mom, and my own home just automatically places me into an awful, terrible, depressed mindset. But man, the rest of the world just feels like it doesn't even want me to be anywhere else. I can't look outside without feeling that the rest of the world just doesn't want me, and wants to actively strangle me out. I don't know.

I looked at this add on Craigslist today for a roomie, and it's just this one big paragraph written in all caps and awful punctuation. I can overlook that since it's just a dumb thing on Craiglist. Part of the ad, in one sentence the phrase "420 FRIENDLY" was used, and I had no idea what this meant so I had to look it up. Apparently means 'friendly to pot smokers' and through some intangible force I'm made sick to my stomach again.

I'm not tired, but I just want to lay down and forget about everything.

[Tack]

Really, to people who cry about looks I say "Man up."

I generally say something nice, and then follow it up with a dig about their fishing.

[Pnx]

I have all of this really pretty Origami Paper that I'm afraid to use because I know I will turn it into crappy Origami, and it'd be such a waste.

[Bauglir]

I have all of this really pretty Origami Paper that I'm afraid to use because I know I will turn it into crappy Origami, and it'd be such a waste.

Don't worry, you won't be the first.

Seriously though just have some fun with it, if it turns out to be not great oh well. That's how you get better at things.