Once again, I find myself sitting here, with some actual time, that I could be using to do actual productive things.
I have things to do. Lots of things to do.
I have a massive map that I've done practically nothing on in about a week. I have a suggestion game that I haven't worked on in maybe two weeks. I have a Let's Play that I should update, it doesn't even take long to update at all, that I could get out of the way. I have an idea for another game I could be writing down. I have maybe three other things I'd like to get started on. I've been meaning to get started on a story I've been meaning to write for maybe 3 years now, that I've never started.
And what do I do?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting here, computer in my lap, tons of things I need to get to work on in front of me, and I'm just sitting here doing nothing, staring at the clock and dreading having to go to work in the morning because I know it'll feel like my spine will decay out of my back the second I try to move.
I'm trying. I really am. At least, it feels like I am. But it also feels like I'm not.
Every time I do something, or fail to do something, I feel like it's my fault and I should have and could have prevented it. Even if it was completely out of my control, I still feel that way. I lie to myself and tell myself that I can control it, even when I know I'm just lying to myself.
I'm just so tired of this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm letting people down, I'm tired of sitting here when I could do something useful. I don't even feel like I have a right to complain, because things could be worse. Things have been worse before. There are people going through serious problems right now and I'm being all sad over myself because I won't suck it up and do something about it, and I'm hating myself for it, and it's only making it harder.
I don't know what to do.