So the past month has been pretty miserable... All starting with my great aunt coming for a visit, and realising that despite her being a really awesome person who's into literature in a big way, I found myself completely unable to talk to her on account of the paralysing fear that anything I said would wind up being used against me.
Which just sort of drove home the point I've known for a long time that I'll never be able to piece myself back together unless I get the heck out of this household, a prospect which has been immensely scary for me, due to reasons of agoraphobia mostly...
Then from there it's been basically one bad event after another. And...
Well I've basically spent a lot of time feeling anxious and afraid, having anxiety attacks, staring at walls or ceilings, idiotically arguing with phantasmal versions of people, having nightmares and otherwise sleepless nights.
And I'm feeling so tired of dealing with people that override everything I say, and shut me out, and treat me like a monster, and all the manipulative BS I've had to deal with from my mother and other people.
I spent most of last weekend wondering what I had to do to myself to stop people from treating me like this all the flipping time. If I need to starve myself into a withered husk, or mutilate myself, or something just to stop people from treating me like a monster so much.
I've been trying so frigging desperately to just... cope... but I don't think I'm succeeding, I'm pretty sure my maths test is going to come back very bad, and then I'm going to be screwed in terms of grades this semester... I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how I'm going to stop people doing this stuff to me.