Welp, I'm a bit depressed, I guess.
I cannot seem to get much enjoyment out of anything; school is a huge boring chore, despite it being almost over (90% of my time in school now is spent doing nothing, due to it being the week before finals, it's literally a waste most of the time), and all my hobbies and gaming choices seem lackluster and not worth the effort.
I wasn't even enjoying playing guitar today. I can't even make myself really feel bad for not playing it twenty-five hours a day eight days a week--just like all the pros obviously must do, right?-- like I normally would, it's just, like, the thrill is gone, man. That sucks because normally I could at least find some solace in playing guitar when I feel down, but now it's not. That's pretty terrible; long story short I rate myself by my accomplishments, and playing guitar is a huge thing for me and now I don't even really have the motivation or drive to do that, and I don't even feel anything about that, I just numbly acknowledge it's something that's probably bad.
I sorta had a mental epiphany that I'm not really "looking forward" to anything in life like other people around me seem to be:
The thought of being a senior in high school or going to college fills me with dread, any thought of "growing up" or "making a living" seems like a complete physical impossibility; I thought the same thing about being a senior in high school or going to college when I was younger, and now junior year is almost over. I'm a bit shellshocked at that, I guess. romance and shiz is another ridiculous, unlikely opportunity that apparently is just such a huge happy major motivation for errybody else, but that would just be extra stress for me, and as I said before the notion of that seems physically impossible for me. I wasn't eager to learn to drive like others at my school, and I still find it hard to believe I'm old enough to do that. I'm not eager about graduating high school because that means I gotta go do something with my life and I feel I still have no idea where to go with that or how to do that.
Occasionally I've mentioned this notion of being overwhelmed and --I guess hopeless is a good term, though it seems extreme--at life to my parents and they always talk about how "You'll feel better in college" or "You just gotta get a job to pay the bills and live your life as a boring 9 to 5 office drone blah blah" or "one day you'll find a girl and get married and then you'll find that family will give you a reason to live happily ever after despite the crummy job and unfulfilled dreams blah blah cliche cliche" and obviously, none of these really help, because all these points are part of the issue.
I just feel incredibly overwhelmed at the thought of doing anything in life. Everything seems incredibly out of reach or unlikely to happen. Imagine that feeling of first learning to play Dwarf Fortress, and that's basically the thought of life for me right now. Everything just seems too complex, too difficult, and just flat out too much.
Slightly off topic but still relevant is this feeling that I'm a social burden to friends; I realized that I'm almost constantly making snarky, sarcastic, passively-negative remarks and not even I would want to hang out with that guy (ie me), he's such a negative prick arsehole. when I'm not making clever sarcastic rhetoric I make comments that in retrospect I can only facepalm at and think of how stupid it was to even say that. I'm even double guessing myself in my head occasionally, wondering if I even pronounced anything I just said correctly because it felt like I just slurred it out like a drunken monkey and surely that made me look like an idiot incapable of speaking proper English and everyone must think I'm even more of a freak than before oh gawd wat do etc etc
I am not enjoying life at the moment.
So yeah, tldr:at the moment I feel hopeless and/or overwhelmed, and have no clear idea of why I even really bother getting out of bed in the morning aside from the fact that I'm expected to. Whooooo
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9703507 times)