I'm not depressed, but my desire to live is dropping through the floor.
There's another forum I posted on, until today. It's a very small forum, about 7p tops. I've long been sort of unhappy about the lack of camaraderie there. You can say you're suffering and no one says anything, or that things are going well and no one says anything. I don't really understand why they bother posting. I was trying to maintain contact with my best friend there--that's why I said stuff.
Well anyway, I was trying to change the atmosphere of the forum by being encouraging or whatever and it turns out that I made my best friend's (suicidal) younger sister feel unsafe and angry by talking about my own experiences when trying to suggest that she could be able to overcome hers, and things might get better. Like I was trying to one-up her... she seems to hate me. So I'm making it clear that I'm leaving and won't be bothering them anymore, because the best friend isn't exactly talking to me anymore, either. There's nothing left there for me, so maybe if I go, then they'll be able to make something better amongst themselves.
I don't expect them to say anything.
My closest remaining friend from high school keeps on posting crap on Facebook about going to picnics to judge all the white people there. I don't really know what to do about him.
I don't really know why I'm bothering to post here, either. When you perform an action you should have a reasonable notion of expected effect, and I don't have any. Maybe I'll feel less lonesome?
Nah.
It feels like the world's striking me so many times that, as I drown, I'm going numb with pain. Simultaneously, that seems unreasonable. Is being lonely that bad? Is being disdained that bad?
Nah. I can't seem to control my feelings, though.
Ugh, my head hurts. Bouts of intense rage have consequences. Surprisingly, my hands do not hurt despite repeatedly punching my wall.
Are you okay? What happened?