Well, I've been looking for the name of a certain "game" I was talking to someone about over PM's, so I've been going back through my earliest PM's, and scrolling up till now. And, to be honest, it makes me pretty sad. Hence me posting this here. I mean, apart from the tiny little stab of nostalgia every now and then, I just can't help but realise what a simple person I was back then. And it cuts really deep, for some reason. I was wired on life, ninety percent of the time, and the only times I entertained a single philosophical thought was before or after me being outrageously stupid and immature. And even though in my early PM's, I happened to send five for every one of their four, I just can't help noticing that I was happy. Genuinely happy, back then. It just seems to be an emotion that doesn't register on my level anymore. It's not that I'm too apathetic for life, it's just that the force of my joy seems to have lessened as I matured. I always said that either I'd break and quit my job, or my job would break me and I'd stay. Well, I've quit, but it seems to have left it's mark. I hold wordier discussions, I don't crave as much attention anymore. I make sense. But- underlying all that, I can't help but feel that I haven't gotten any more complicated as I've matured, I've just embraced my complication more, instead of being afraid to discuss a topic that may have a difference of opinion. And even though I tended to annoy a lot of people back when I was me, I can see so many great discussions I had with a lot of friends I was really quite chummy with, who I don't talk to anymore. One of them being Neruz. It was funny how we could always have amazingly huge arguments, get hot, and wipe other people's opinions clear from the board in the face of our wordy debates, but then be asked to chill it down, and PM eachother afterwards saying 'Fuck, that was a great argument, hey?' I just wonder when I lost my outrageous sense of joy. My recklessness, my ability to say things without thinking. Even now I can't help but entertain the possibility of deleting this post. Usually this feeling is overwhelmed by my spite and I post it anyway, before getting post-post coldfeet and coming back to edit it. I just don't like that I'm this quiet and shy now, willing to take all of the punches that life gives me, and everything I've been reading, and will continue to read, is just showing me more of how pathetic I am now. Just reading through the first PM's I sent to people who are now 'bros'. It's wonderful and nostalgic, but it touches a chord that really makes me miss the me I was.
tl;dr, Went to see a tiger, and got bitten by a monkey. Who knew?
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9789318 times)