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[Hanslanda]

All I gots is Coca-cola today. Docta P was wearing on my taste buds after four 24 packs in one week.

And let's start from the initial sad. First, at court, they told me I was doing good. Strangely, instead of making me happy, (Well, I was for awhile) it kinda depressed me. I mean, think of it this way: Even on my very best week, where I do everything absolutely perfect, the BEST thing that happened to me was I didn't got to jail.

Second, I was working today, and went to lunch with my lesbian friend, as is our prearranged thing. We always have lunch together. Instead of making me happy, once again, it depressed me for two reasons. First, she noticed somethings that pointed to me being depressed, mostly that I wasn't eating much and was showing more emotion than normal. Then, we were talkin' bout college, and she said this, "I just don't want to work here for the rest of my life, you know?"
Fuck.
Now I'm thinking about college, but even at 20, I still have NO idea what I want to do for a living. I was thinking about maybe chemistry of some sort, or perhaps Bio-something, I think I would enjoy those, but the thing I really love is writing, which is not the most profitable venture.

And then I got onto a tangent from the college thing, about the whole 'Relationships' issue. I'm beginning to believe that I'd rather be celibate, just because it's so much less stressful. I'm sure I could go out and get a girlfriend or get laid or whatever, but I just don't want to. My body has the urges, but my mind is disinclined.

Writing it out, it doesn't seem so bad, but still. It made me sad. Then I drove my lesbian friend home from work, and I think she thinks that I'm trying to get into her pants, when I'm very strenuously of the opposite position.

Anyway. Discuss. :/

[kaijyuu]

As for being 20 and not knowing where you're going in life, I'm 23 and am in almost the exact same position. I've got a vague idea, a hope and a prayer, but that's pretty much it. I'm not banking on getting my dream job (game designer), but I'm gonna shoot for it. And if I miss, that's what hobbies are for. I don't think anyone really knows what they truly want out of life. Otherwise, midlife crises wouldn't be a thing. So you're not alone, not by far. Best advice I can give is you should find a job you don't loathe. Spending 40 hours a week or more watching the clock wishing it would speed up is a horrific existence, and one no one should be subject to.

As for relationships... I'm too inexperienced to give good advice there at all If it's too stressful though then you're probably right that it's not worth the effort. The way I see it, it should be something you're comfortable with; something that relieves stress, not adding to it. If being held in their arms is making you uncomfortable and not making your worries wash away, something is wrong. But again, I'm inexperienced, so I dunno.

Oh, and don't presume you know what your friends think of you. You (and I, and everyone) tend to guess in the negative direction. Don't assume the worst. If you get paranoid you'll never get comfortable and then you're missing the point of friendships.


None of those worries are remotely trivial, so don't be ashamed about feeling sad about them


EDIT: And would you look at it, I'm out of Dr Pepper too. Guess diet cherry pepsi will have to do.

[Hanslanda]

As for being 20 and not knowing where you're going in life, I'm 23 and am in almost the exact same position. I've got a vague idea, a hope and a prayer, but that's pretty much it. I'm not banking on getting my dream job (game designer), but I'm gonna shoot for it. And if I miss, that's what hobbies are for. I don't think anyone really knows what they truly want out of life. Otherwise, midlife crises wouldn't be a thing. So you're not alone, not by far. Best advice I can give is you should find a job you don't loathe. Spending 40 hours a week or more watching the clock wishing it would speed up is a horrific existence, and one no one should be subject to.

Well, I don't loathe my job. It's a great job, just not what I want to do for the next sixty years. So there's a plus.

As for relationships... I'm too inexperienced to give good advice there at all If it's too stressful though then you're probably right that it's not worth the effort. The way I see it, it should be something you're comfortable with; something that relieves stress, not adding to it. If being held in their arms is making you uncomfortable and not making your worries wash away, something is wrong. But again, I'm inexperienced, so I dunno.

Oh, and don't presume you know what your friends think of you. You (and I, and everyone) tend to guess in the negative direction. Don't assume the worst. If you get paranoid you'll never get comfortable and then you're missing the point of friendships.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual despite my desire to sleep with people. 'Tis a strange thought. Take, for example, my lesbian friend. As attractive as she is, when she steps within a certain range of me, without making her intentions clear first, I will involuntarily step away far enough to put her at a safe distance again. If I'm thinking about it, I can force myself to stand there for her to step close to me, but I feel like I should be flinching away the whole time.
And I'm pretty sure I was just overanalyzing what I said, compared to what she said. So it's probably in my head like you said.

None of those worries are remotely trivial, so don't be ashamed about feeling sad about them.

 

This is true. :/ It's just frustrating to want to be happy and be unable to attain it through any currently available means. It makes me want to overthrow existing social hierarchies.

[Shinotsa]

Hans, I'm glad you're doing well with the courts and that you're hanging out with friends. I know it might seem depressing to have a conversation about things that you're unsure of, but at least you had someone to go hang out with and share some of your emotions. She sounds like a pretty good friend too if she was worried about you being depressed when you're down in the dumps. I'm not trivializing any of your problems because they're obviously important to you, but while you may have problems (and significant ones) it helps to think of what you have to help you through it.

As for your future: my mother makes ~300-400k a year from a masters degree in some form of English literary theory. It's not all that likely you'll make that without working 16 hour days like she does, but writing is a very important skill that's used in many more places than you'd think. Technical writing and the such for companies and the government provides a good income and, while it may not be your dream job, would have you able to work 9-5 and then live a life. Fiction writing is a bit more limited, but it's a lot easier to do as a hobby if you get a job doing something else

As for your female friend, I don't think you have as much to worry about as you think. People are generally poor at expressing their feelings. I recently was terrified a lady-friend was flirting with me. While I am interested, she's just a pillar in the structure of my life right now that I can't have pulled out by a failed relationship. Anyway, it turns out she was just bringing up the topic of sex, casual relationships and all that so she could tell me she's having sex with an old high-school friend. Hopefully you're better at reading people than me, but it's still a possibility that you're mistaken.

[kaijyuu]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual despite my desire to sleep with people. 'Tis a strange thought. Take, for example, my lesbian friend. As attractive as she is, when she steps within a certain range of me, without making her intentions clear first, I will involuntarily step away far enough to put her at a safe distance again. If I'm thinking about it, I can force myself to stand there for her to step close to me, but I feel like I should be flinching away the whole time.

I was kinda like that for the longest time. For me, it had a lot to do with fear rather than not being interested in people. I've always liked people. I've always been afraid they didn't like me. Getting close to someone (figuratively and literally) just gave them a chance to hurt me, to reject me. Still working on getting past that.

So my question is, are you uninterested in people? If so, then yeah you could be asexual (or whatever the romantic equivalent is). But if you're flinching away out of fear of something... I don't think the problem is your lack of interest.

It makes me want to overthrow existing social hierarchies.

Welcome to the club

[Wrex]

So, I played through Nier's NG+ function. It was....diffrent.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

So, you know those shades? they are human souls. And now you can listen to them screaming for mercy as you tear them apart as a lion amoung sheep.

...I Feel a bit sick.

[Tellemurius]

oh it gets better

[Pnx]

So I've gone from soar throat, to achy joints, to a bad cough... I hope this doesn't turn into chronic pneumonia again.

[kaijyuu]

If you start coughing up nasty crap, get to a doctor. Nothing to scoff at

So, I played through Nier's NG+ function. It was....diffrent.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

So, you know those shades? they are human souls. And now you can listen to them screaming for mercy as you tear them apart as a lion amoung sheep.

...I Feel a bit sick.

I like games that make me feel ill for my actions. Heh, maybe I should try that out.

[Wrex]

If you start coughing up nasty crap, get to a doctor. Nothing to scoff at

So, I played through Nier's NG+ function. It was....diffrent.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

So, you know those shades? they are human souls. And now you can listen to them screaming for mercy as you tear them apart as a lion amoung sheep.

...I Feel a bit sick.

I like games that make me feel ill for my actions. Heh, maybe I should try that out.

For me, it feels too much like, well, you know.

[Pnx]

If you start coughing up nasty crap, get to a doctor. Nothing to scoff at

So far, just a bit of phlegm. Probably nothing to be done about it but wait it out.

[Shinotsa]

Huh... seeing DnD mentioned in other threads kinda made me have a terrible sad moment. I saw some cute nerdy girls in the library talking about it today and hear it mentioned a lot. I've had the urge to get some friends together and try it. Then I realized that I have only a handful of friends, all of which have no idea that I'm actually a huge nerd.

I've always really held high the fact that I know who I am. Right now the problem is that no one else does =/

[kaijyuu]

So open up a bit and show off that nerdiness!

[Shinotsa]

So open up a bit and show off that nerdiness!

To the girl that's into fashion, or the guy that studies as a leisure activity? After I moved away from high school my friends kinda just drift into my life and right back out, so I'm left with slim pickings. Not to mention I'm in a difficult track in college so I generally only meet grade-crazed, uninteresting people. I guess the friend of the family girl that's still in high school would work, but somehow I think it'd be a little creepy to start hanging around high school girls. I mean she's about the only one that actually knows me and even then we only hang out when our parents do or when she needs some help with school work or advice.

It sucks that I'm actually fairly charismatic and do well with people after I'm introduced, but I just can't get a foot in the door with any group that I'd like to hang with.

[MaximumZero]

Huh... seeing DnD mentioned in other threads kinda made me have a terrible sad moment. I saw some cute nerdy girls in the library talking about it today and hear it mentioned a lot. I've had the urge to get some friends together and try it. Then I realized that I have only a handful of friends, all of which have no idea that I'm actually a huge nerd.

I've always really held high the fact that I know who I am. Right now the problem is that no one else does =/

Dude, come visit me! I'm so nerd, I'm writing my own game!