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[kaijyuu]

Yeah, getting misblamed for stuff is one of my rage buttons. I played a healer back in WoW, and had a run where I was blamed for everyone's dying to standing in fire (well lightning tornadoes in this case but still). Some of my guildies commented that I was awfully quiet and it was a bit scary. They never saw me quite like that again.

[Solifuge]

Hi Tornado! See you guys later.

2 touched down nearby, but both missed my place. Still got a ton of arc-lightning, vertical green clouds, high winds, constant roar of wind and thunder, and so on. Seems there was some heavy damage to a few houses (insulation and roof bits everywhere) but my immediate area suffered no damage, and we even still have power!

Still, this is all kinds of unseasonable. We usually have snow on the ground, and get intermittent snowfall until next month... wicked-bad thunderstorms and tornadoes are a first. Seems like every year lately, we're pushing record highs for the season. Suppose it's "March showers bring April flowers" now?

[Luke_Prowler]

What game was it?

League of Legends

[Aqizzar]

Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.

I have accepted a job offer that I'm probably going to fail terribly at.

And even if I don't, I think I've terribly undersold myself on the pay.

And it's going to be a constant awkward experience, as I'm endlessly lectured at by someone who thinks me saying "uh huh, uh huh" every few minutes is a friendly, productive demeanor.

And they'll expect me to work 60 hour weeks whenever they're overloaded, for no overtime pay because it's a salary.  With no guarantee of pay increase beyond starting, because it's all "performance based" and I'll never be able to tell if they're just shorting me or if I'm lazy.

And it'll be an hour commute each way until I can afford to move closer, which might not be for months.

And it's actually a really great opportunity, especially compared to the bupkis I've had, and the problem is that having a job offer made to me is exposing my rampant pathological paranoia and indecisiveness.

[Max White]

Is this that programming job?

[Aqizzar]

Is this that programming job?

Yep.  They offered me $24,000 to start, I came back asking for $27k, then $30k after three months.  He successfully convinced me that starting at $27k and then getting performance raises would be acceptable, and I know goddamn well I'm in no position to disagree because all training is provided.  The rest of the job actually doesn't sound that bad.

Mostly, this is me whinging because I expect I'm going to fail every expectation of me and be turned out on my ass.  I've always said I wanted a job where I can work at my own schedule, or at least would be irregular work with lots of changes to stay interesting.  The clearer the picture I have of this business, the more I start to think my "ideal" job is one where I do the exact same thing every day with someone else setting all the rules, because my schedule is "don't do a damn thing".  Which really doesn't help my already abysmal self-confidence.

Oh I've got dreams sure.  But I've never met anyone else's expectations before, let alone the ones I set for myself, so why should I expect things to be different now when there's something like consequences on the line?  I got through a bachelor's degree without ever once starting an assignment before the last possible minute, and the only skills I ever learned were how to look productive and make excuses.  And a year out of "work", with only my mindless repetitive drudgery of UPS to build on, I know I've regressed.  I can feel it in everything I do.  This is going to be terrifying.

[Max White]

Best tip would be to find the guy that produces the diagrams with boxes that people use to know what the hell they are doing. Take an interest in this guy and what he does, try to learn about what he considers 'best practice' and what those diagrams mean. How he makes design choices and what ideals he values. Does he like to plot all possible classes for the most expandable program possible, or does he like to concatenate one to one relationships for faster development? What is his style? Pick up on that, learn it, be the guy that can do his job when he isn't there, and you should find yourself well paid.


And if they don't have one of those guys? Don't worry about it, things are so informal they would be lucky to know how to assess quality beyond 'Does it work?' and 'Does it work quickly?'

[Nadaka]

Aqizzar? You can look busy and make excuses? Now all you have to do to qualify for middle management is learn to be an ass to the underlings and schmooze the bigwigs.

[JoshuaFH]

I wanted to avoid dumping all my pathetic feelings into this thread for today, but I thought I should say something given my terrible state of mind. I've had a terrible time sleeping for the last three days, just because trying to lay down and rest, and my mind is dominated by my feelings of inadequacy and general hopelessness.

I seriously question whether I can fit into society. I mean, I just have no idea how to explain it. Talking to any other person, it's like I can't relate to anyone, and that my life growing up was so fundamentally different from the lives of everyone else, I'll just never be able to fit in. I can't even tell other people my problems, because just articulating them is a feat in itself, but even when I do a half-decent job of getting it across nobody understands and just think I'm lazy or stupid. I wonder if I'm just imagining that too.

I made the mistake of accidentally speaking to an old friend from HS yesterday, reminding myself that I've been spending so much time achieving so very little, while everyone I knew from that era is still going out and making something of their lives.

Just today, I've been remarking to myself (as such happens when one talks to himself every day to stave off amazing loneliness) that I live in a "Nightmare World", so fundamentally fucked up from it's conception that my odds of success were squelched before I even had a chance to try. I wonder if any other person in my predicament could succeed where I'm obviously failing, and deep down, I'm sure they could which thus unveils the crippling weakness in my mind and soul.

I often feel that, through life, I've never had anyone to help me. I feel that if I had anyone, anyone at all to support me emotionally and give me some sort of help through life, I'd be doing so much better than I am. And then I feel that this is just another show of weakness on my part, since objectively I should be able to succeed regardless.

I often feel that humanity on the whole is so different from me, and that's why I can't fit into society. I mentioned this, and yet I also feel that on the whole, people are very weak. I'm barraged by stories where people do terrible things to themselves for petty reasons, and while their suffering is horrible of course, I'm can't help but think "How asinine!", since the professed problems are quite benign. That a person could snap for a trivial reason, and even worse, have people empathize with them has always shown to me that inherent weakness found in, and expected of, the ordinary person in society.

Allow me to elaborate further, if I can.

I often feel that the very fact that people pursue the the things they enjoy is... bizarre. I just don't know why I think this. All my life, each day has been an exercise in restraint and self-control, to just put up with all the shit the life feeds you and not get angry or you'll get fed exponentially more shit and there's nothing you can do about it. That even when you're hurt and can't help yourself, that because nobody gives a shit about you, it's still your job to just suck it up and help yourself anyway. Just living this life, I don't think I've gotten anywhere because helping myself would mean that I actually care about myself, and oddly enough, I have trouble understand how other people think and get through life if this isn't the norm.

Really, even though it's an insane thought, I treat everyone else as though they were a wild animal. What I mean by that is that each person is a his or her own knot of problems, is motivated by base desires and instincts that are never given any mind, and at any moment, can do something spontaneous and dangerous outside of your expectations. I just don't know how to sum it up better than that.

Looking at my jobbed up credentials, you'd think I was some kind of people person, but I'm not. I can't hold a conversation, I don't like hearing about people's interests, and I don't like letting people know mine, or really, anything about me for some fear that it might get used against me somehow.

I'm currently struggling with thoughts on how my feelings and actions effect the value of my life, I'll get back to you guys on that. I'll just try to get some sleep tonight.


Hey Aqizzar, I just thought I'd say I think you're doing really well. You're talented, I can tell, and talent always rises.

[Darvi]

Why chocolate? Why do you have to be so delicous and sickening and sickening delicious at the same time? I want to enjoy eating you without having to stop every few bites because I'm feeling like throwing up.

[fqllve]

For the last month every morning when I wake up I'm hit with a rush of anxiety. Sometimes it's the moment I open my eyes, other times it's only after I've sat up, but it's every morning. Like clockwork. At first these would develop into panic attacks, but now that I'm so used to it I can get a handle on it pretty quickly. For a while I thought it was the anticipation of the wakeup attack that brought it on, but now it's become routine and I don't even think about the anxiety before it happens.

I have it somewhat under control now, but it's still such a shitty way to start a day...

[The Merchant Of Menace]

Look on the bright side, It's uphill from there at least.

Waking up every morning to flashbacks made me appreciate my days a lot more.

[Truean]

Receive message from client: "Tell him not to worry about it, I talked to the prosecutor. He said it was fine."
[Fucking shock and abject horror from me, followed by stotic calm and phone call]
Client: "Hello."
Me: "You talked to the prosecution, on your own, no one approached you, you went to them?"
Client: "Well hello to you too, and yup."
Me: "What happened, who said what, exactly?"
Client: "He said it was ok and we'd work something out. Not to worry about it."
Me: [awkward silence] "Work something out...? Did he give you any details on that and did you say anything to him?"
Client: "He said we could put it behind us. It's ok, really, I took care of it. Told you it wasn't hard."
Me: [Silence] "You didn't admit to anything did you? Anything?"
Client: "I'm not stupid."
Me: "Get anything in writing saying he'd do anything or not charge you?"
Client: "What, no, look just relax."
Me: "Yeah, he's not gonna honor shit, you know that right? You have nothing with him, nothing.... Plus he probably managed to get you to say something he'll use against you, because by doing this yourself without me...."

Client proceeds to tell me I'm blowing things out of proportion. Two days later, I receive a new evidence of ... guess what from the prosecution.... Admissions of a negative nature volunteered by client.....

[Head...desk] He just ruined my entire theory of the case and defense by admitting to certain things that you wouldn't think would matter.

[Darvi]

Look it on the bright side. The more often this happens, the fewer stupid people are left in the end.

[fqllve]

Yeah. It just seems so pointless and inexplicable. It frustrates me because there isn't any reason it should be happening and because I'm taking these damnable, highly addictive benzodiazapenes and they aren't doing anything to prevent it or the panic attacks that occur throughout the day.

I would just like to be in control of my own mind.

[Head...desk] He just ruined my entire theory of the case and defense by admitting to certain things that you wouldn't think would matter.

You know what, some people just don't want to be helped. Anyone that stupid doesn't deserve to win his case.