Lessee here, what's made me sad today... Oh, I know!
I spent the last year in the Norwegian military, experiencing more pain, cold, exhaustion and meaninglessness than I previously had dreamed possible. Then, shortly after our summer vacation (which I spent sick with my second bout of pneumonia that year), I met a girl who I quickly hit it off with, and we eventually fell in love. My first relationship since my two year "engagement" to a girl which ended when I was 4 years of age.
The thought of her kept me alive through the rest of the pointlessness and strain I was put up to. I spent all available time with her, and she presented the option that I could spend Christmas with her, and when I was done with the military I could move in with her and we could start our lives together in earnest.
Each time I met her again, the rest of the world vanished. Every time I left, my heart shattered. I had purpose and direction in my life.
Then, four days before my honorable discharge and the start of our life together in the civilian world, she informed me over Skype that we could no longer be together, claiming that I was "too good of a person to be with someone like her".
With no home to go back to, no job, and no idea what to do, I was pulled in by my best friend whose wife had just given birth to a baby girl. I've spent my time since then wandering in a haze of confusion, doubt and uncertainty. I reach out at whatever strands look like the potential next step, but have no faith in myself to actually pull on one.
I cannot force her out of my mind, and I cannot answer the questions that remain as to what her true reason was, or why she neglected to mention that something was wrong in the weeks leading up to her announcement, instead acting as though everything were okay and still making plans for us for when I'd get back.
In addition, all those I knew who had been single in the year(s) leading up to 2012 suddenly found their loves sprouting from the woodwork. The only notable exception was a girl I knew who was dumped by her live-in boyfriend of three years only a week before I myself became a born-again single.
But it was foolish of me to imagine we could find some sort of comfort in each others' loneliness, as it was barely a week after I came out of the military that she had found not only a body to warm her bed, but three different suitors lined up to present their best. So much for a sympathetic soul.
So here I am, pressured by the decisions I have to make, right now, in order to ensure that my life actually stumbles forward, and in hopefully the right direction... Haunted by the thought of a girl who I still cannot decide whether to love or to hate, and the hole I'd dug into my heart to make room for her.
Moreover, I can't help but shake the feeling that I should already be over this, that I should already be moving on. I just don't seem to be going anywhere.
I'm still grasping at straws to try and find something to give me comfort, some way to assure myself that things will get better, to scratch the itch. To brush it off and see the new possibilities that, surely, must be waiting for me. Nothing seems to fit. And as I try and clutch at those around me for support and sympathy, I find that I am startlingly lacking in people I trust, or that I trust to be able to help.
Yeah, pretty sure that's what made me sad today. It stands between that, or that the pre-made pizza I ate today was soggy in the middle. That's kind of a bummer too.