Mine have frankly always been pretty sucky. My birthday is too close to Christmas. It's always "Okay, Vector, we're giving you these things and we want to know what you need/want when," and sure, it's great to have presents, but I never exactly had enough friends to get together a party and the surprise was always ruined. And then, when you get to dating age, it's always "okay, is whoever I'm dating going to remember this?" Because there isn't anyone else to laugh it off with (cf. not enough friends to celebrate). And maybe they get it right only after you stop dating, and what's supposed to happen then? You're already too angry... you want to shout "what, you have to dump me and hear me shouting at you then in order to get the idea that maybe saying 'no, I just don't care about that stuff because it's irrational' might be hurtful?"
Blurgh.
Now that I'm older I can see that he was right about a lot of things (not some of his comportment, but whatever--that's not what I'm talking about); maybe for what I'd now call the wrong reasons, but they were still right. Part of me wishes so badly that I could turn back time. The other part of me knows that it would just go badly again in a different way. Or that I could turn back time and not do the stupid, angry things I did near the end, and see who he is now and if it would be okay now.
I want to say "Hey, look, I'm not crazy anymore... see?"
But that's already putting me in a posture of supplication, which was the entire problem in the first place. It's okay to do that, but not when it's wielded over you like a weapon. I don't want to be in that place ever again. I don't like the power relation where I bend to not someone who is bending with me, but to ruling force.
It's just too late. I'm tired of writing love letters into the ether.
Like my mom always says, when someone says "I hate you!" while crying, it pretty much always actually says "I love you, so come back."
Oh, well. Too late... always has been, always will be.