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[Dsarker]

Why, though?

[Lysabild]

Why, though?

Isn't that obvious? >_>

I promise I will not intentionally look at any photographic images of women, outside of whatever might appear in my textbooks, until school starts again and I am fully rested.  Drawn, animated, and painted are okay.

Thanks.


EDIT: You see, when they're all dressed up fancy in books, I know it's a fantasy.  When it's real life, it's just unfair.

That was easy :b And yeah I can follow your thoughts.

[MaximumZero]

Why, though?

Quoted for shared curiosity.

[Vector]

Why, though?

Because I can't look at a beautiful woman anymore without feeling strikingly depressed.

I made a deal with my parents when I was a little kid.  Either I got to have new clothes and makeup and parties and no support for college, or I got to study.  I, being the introverted little freak that I was even at five years old (also markedly mentally... bizarre, for want of a better moniker), went with the "no parties ever for any reason period" route.  I've never had a birthday party.  Nothing with more than two or three people, anyway, a gathering where I embarrassedly wished it could be over so I could stop being the center of attention.  Now I am a college student who is generally hailed as good-humored, albeit irritable, and kind of excessively smart.

And so, even though I have something for which a lot of people have insinuated envy--a rather finely tuned mind, and a good work ethic--I do not have an ability to look at busty young women wearing numerous lovely articles of clothing, the entire ensemble of which would probably cost me three or four textbooks.  New.  Books I would never be able to have, in exchange for those pretty looks.

(fucking Facebook)

Because that's how I measure everything, just as I have since I was a little girl.  The number of books it would buy, from where.  Time measured in pages and problems.

I don't have pictures of boyfriends or friends on my dresser.  Just my grandfather, the mathematician, because he's the first man I have to beat.  And because everyone says we have the same penetrating eyes, so I feel a little less alone.

And so I don't know what to do with all of these porcelain-faced women, with their delicately rearranged smiles.  The consolation that I have learned three, five times as much as most people have by now, perhaps more than many people do in lifetimes... well, that's ringing a little bit sour, now.

So I'm taking a little sabbatical from feminine beauty.  I'll hole up in my house in my sweats and old-fashioned glasses and study until my right hand can barely write another word, and maybe when I've come out I just won't care anymore.


EDIT: In other words, I'm turning into Claude Frollo.  Stay tuned for more weirdness after I graduate and find some young woman to stare at and feel guilty over.

[Scaraban]

Speaking from my point of view with no disrespect to anyone involved.


That is fucked up.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

I am an extremely introverted person, the most secretive and paranoid I know, so let me just say:

Vector, that cannot be a healthy way to live.

[Lysabild]

I don't think you're telling her anything new and from what I've seen of her on this forum it seems obvious to anyone but herself that it won't be the stars she can't reach, but rather whatever is hiding behind them.

[Nadaka]

That really is sad. I don't know why your parents would want you make that kind of deal as a child. But maybe I misinterpret what you mean.

I know my mother tried very hard to get me to do normal things as a kid, even though I was an emotional wreck after the divorce with my nose in a book more often than not. Sometimes I even went along, and sometimes I actually enjoyed myself.

[JoshuaFH]

If it makes you feel any better Vector, I feel similar over seeing men that are more attractive than myself.

Or even uglier men that manage to be more socially successful.

I hope that your studying pays off Vector, and you become the Grand Hierarch of Berkeley.

[Vector]

It was a deal I was allowed to opt out of at any point, provided that I fully understood the ramifications of choosing to forfeit education in favor of transitory enjoyment.  Nowadays they try to get me to loosen up and have fun, lie occasionally, etc.  They apparently don't know what it's like to be taken aside when you're three or so and informed that lies are the easiest way to destroy a relationship beyond repair.  Or what it's like to be taken aside at twenty-one and told that they could have pushed me and then I would have been a prodigy, but they decided to leave me alone.  When what you're fighting is the polished prodigies and the wunderkinds, and you're just a self-taught, ungroomed girl with hard eyes and a taste for curry.

All they wanted was for me to understand the terms of the life into which I had been catapulted.  Having understood them, I saw, and see no way to act but that which I have been pursuing.

I don't know what to say, really.  Started having uncontrollable thoughts of killing people at five, when I entered school and finally had to deal with other children.  My cousin died when I was seven, of a genetic disease I fortunately don't have.  I mostly stopped smiling or trying to interact with people for ten years.  Got beat up a lot, blah blah blah dated blah blah mental breakdown blah blah who cares anymore.

Anyway.  Here I am, and all I can think is "I want to go home," but what that really means is "I want this to be different and I don't know how."

I'm too proud to try to become like them, now.  Too lonely not to envy them.  Too stubbornly miserable to just leave it alone and forget about it.

The thing I wanted those boys to say to me was the same tired lines they'd tell any other girl.  You know--"you're beautiful."  I, living in enlightened times, am told that my face is pretty but the real kicker--ahhhh, that's my mind, lovely hardware, smoothly greased clockwork.  I starved myself trying to be pretty enough to say that to, but all that did was make me stupid and mean.  And thin.  But not beautiful to anyone's eyes but those of my parents.

And so here I am, same as always.

[KaelGotDwarves]

Woman! (and I mean that in the best possible way) You're beautiful. (No disclaimer)

<3

[MetalSlimeHunt]

It was a deal I was allowed to opt out of at any point, provided that I fully understood the ramifications of choosing to forfeit education in favor of transitory enjoyment.

That is not opting out. That's extortion and guilt tripping.

[Grakelin]

I sometimes hole up in my house all alone until my right hand cramps up, as well, Vector. It isn't worth it.

[SalmonGod]

My kid's started school again this week, which means averaging 6 hours of sleep a night for the next ~9 months.  On the second night and already feeling it.  It's depressing how much of a wimp I've become regarding sleep deprivation.  I remember when I could skip two straight nights of sleep and hardly feel it.

Also, third day back at work after last week's gencon vacation, which is also depressing.  I was at work for about 20 minutes before I got a phone call from my wife saying she had broken her ankle and I needed to come home immediately.

Sure enough, she's severely sprained one ankle and broken two bones in the other foot.  She's likely to be in a wheelchair for over a week.  The 5 hours in the emergency room were a nightmare.  They were really really slow about everything.  My wife has zero pain tolerance, so she was crying almost the entire time, and they wouldn't let her take any painkillers until a doctor ordered them, which didn't happen until about 5 hours after the injury.  The whole time, I bent over backwards in every way I could think of to make her more comfortable, while the kids were absolutely terrible.  Grim had 14 hours of sleep the night before, so he was bouncing off the walls.  Hiro was whiny and selfish.  Made everything 10000x more difficult than it already was.  Very very disappointed as a parent. 

At a point where it seems nothing will be happening for a while, I go to get food for the kids to get them out of the hospital and end the complaints.  Find out that my credit card is missing.

My 17 yr old sister with the cheating/deported ex-boyfriend gives birth in the very same hospital just 45 minutes before the conclusion of our emergency room visit, so we go up to hang out with family.  I get to meet for the very first time some of ex-boyfriend's family whom we strongly suspect are researching ways to kidnap the child and/or blackmail my sister into marrying him back into the country.

Due to newborn, there is absolutely no family help available for my wife so that I can go to work.  Only helpful friends are out of state for a couple months.  Have to weigh a gamble on how likely my office's fucking evil HR rep will cooperate on FMLA paperwork on which my job now depends, and just how much no-pay time I can afford to take to keep the home front from crumbling over the next couple weeks. 

Most fucked up day I've had in a couple years.  It's made me break out in acne.

[Rose]

I think I have a problem...



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