Hmmm. I still don't feel too much different at all, that is, kinda soul-sucking indifferent mood. Although I guess when your environment doesn't change there's no reason why you would change anyway. I could accept my setting if I wanted to. It would be really easy, and in few instances I do feel like I have accepted it subconscious.
I really really need to enjoy life more. And it's my fault. I can't seem to get an emotional reaction from most things anymore so I'm always seeking out new works of fiction or sometimes games to stimulate me. Some do effect me of course, to be the point of an inner happiness momentarily. Those are quite few, however I do love when it happens. It's sad because it happens so infrequently, that burst of energy and excitement. I've hit the point where I find it impossible to do the same thing twice, impossible. I can only see my self going through an experience twice if there is someone new beside me. Someone I can see for new responses and reactions. That's all I want. Although I get the feeling everybody is like this and I'm just batting at the air here, hee hee hee.
Being obsessive isn't good. Being obsessive always leads to disappoint for me. That's why I need to move on when something is over. I can't keep trying to revive something that is already dead, there's no point, move on. I must have done this at least hundred times in my life by now and I feel it's the right decision every time. Plus, if something new does come you don't even have to wait since it just comes as a surprise to you. I like surprises.
Now, I don't know where I was going with what I just said, but whatever I kinda enjoy just speaking freely to nobody. I have noticed that I always seem to make unresponsive posts when I'm being serious. It's not really another persons fault if what I'm saying is either difficult or awkward to respond to, I understand that. However it does bug me when I bleed my heart out to nobody but speaking in ALL CAPS or saying something 'witty' gets like a quote pyramid.
Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to be more, well, engaging? Maybe I need more courage to speak to people about what I actually like. I know it would be a difficult hump to get over, but once I'm over it should be flat at the top, right? I know I've mentioned this before but my interest in anime, manga, light/visual novels, you know that crap, or pretty much anything is kept completely hidden to everybody around me yet it's what I spend almost all of my interest and time in. This is probably most likely because I have a really hard time with people judging me. I guess that would explain the straight face and "I don't want any problems" attitude I always have with people, since I really don't want anybody to yell, scold, or insult me. I can't see why anybody would want that...
Maybe just opening up in general would work. I don't
necessarily have to speak to my parents about everything at one time but maybe speaking to them about
something would work and I can just go from there. I really have no hope for friends though to be honest. I mean I might have been able to work out something with my High School friends, but I have one small problem and one big big big problem. The small problem is I live in a town that's at least forty minutes away from my home town now so getting to my friends would be a pain, plus I'm a horrible person who hasn't gotten their driver's license yet. I'm weak.
The larger problem though, is that I really share no interests with my friends.
It has always been this way I just have been able to work my way in somehow over my four years of High School. At first I rejected common interest, but now I just live mutually not caring at all. I know there are always people out there you can befriend and love because even though I share no common ground with my closest friends I still love them very much. I can name five right off the bat that are just really really cool people that are just fun to be around with no matter the circumstances. Actually, one of my close friends is going to the exact same College as I am, same campus and everything. I hope we share classes no matter what the odds are. Even if we don't have any same classes I'll try to get a cell phone before the semester starts and most probably bump into him one day...or just ask him on Facebook. Yeah go Facebook. Actually...I could talk to all these people right now if I wanted to, but the thing is the magic doesn't work online for them. I will always know them by what I felt being in their presence. I guess I could arrange a hang out time with them, but I don't do well with "hanging out". Hrrrm, plus as I said before it would be difficult to travel all the way there, with my non-existing car.
Well, with that discrepancy still unresolved I don't know what to do. I don't really see my self ever having the motivation to do this anyway. :\ Maybe during college when I'm doing stuff and being super super busy, but not now. Now is just, introverted summer. I like breaks for the freedom, but I realize that rewards are always sweeter when you actually earn them. Say, one day you open the refrigerator and take a bottle of water out and drink it. That was some good water right? No, no it was very plain wasn't it. But now, imagine you just finished mowing the lawn on the hottest day of the year, how does that water taste now? Great doesn't it. Yeah you've probably heard this a bazillion times I don't know what I'm doing. The same goes for my life. Finishing up a good day of working feels really great. Hardships should always lead to peace, that's what I think. Hrrm, or maybe I could just deal with it and just force myself to enjoy it.
Okay I think I really lose my place there. This is the same reason why my writing grade on the SAT was so low, not that it mattered because the college I wanted accepted me with no qualms. Speaking of academic achievements I guess I should mention I ended up as #7 for my whole class. I was one of the three guys to be top ten, along with my other best buddy who is going to the same college as me. I would have liked to be valedictorian, but there is always somebody better than you. Even with my 97 NGA for all four years there was six people with even higher grades. I really wonder how they manage to work so well and not break since I was close to. I know they probably got stressed out since we're all human, but for them to keep going is a great trait I guess. I'm not sure if I even deserved the medal I received because there was no love in my work. It was all mechanical garbage that has always worked for me my whole school life. The only reason my grades were so high were because I just did my work every single day correctly. I was a real big jerk to my teachers sometimes, especially during the Senior year and I'm sorry about that.
I don't usually like talking about what I just said because I know people will always have jealously or envy crop of, even if they don't want to mention it and be nice. I now it happens to me. You know how envious I was of this years valedictorian? There can only be one for each school though, and her work was better than mine. I have already accepted that I just need to mention it for some reason. You just need to accept and move on, as I said earlier.
Well, anywho, I think I made my point today. I'm not sure what that point is but maybe you like reading into people's psyche I much as I do. And this will almost always be obligatorily in the sad thread. It's like a really tall well you fell in by accident and can never climb out of without help.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9453305 times)