Anxiety is setting in again.
I'm worried about my chances at the univiversity and I'm not sure if I'm choosing the right direction.
I'm scared of failling and I'm angry that there hasn't been anybody to prepare me for this.
I'm not even sure where to turn to, for advice.
I still have half a year, but I already fear for my life :/
Well, all I can say is: at least we're in the same boat.
I've gotten so much more anxious since I started college... it feels like I never do anything at all for pleasure anymore, and whenever I'm just sitting around relaxing I feel guilty. Or when I'm doing easier classwork instead of getting right on the hard stuff, I feel guilty. Or when I'm sitting on the bus without having one of my readings out, I feel--you guessed it--guilty.
I end up feeling like an uneducated idiot much of the time, because I hardly know anything about anything, I'm behind in one of my classes, I may end up having to retake a couple of classes and goodness knows that that's ridiculous...
Dammit, I miss the time when I felt like my knowledge level was not directly correlated to my societal worth, and that I had value as a person outside of my ability to argue esoterica that no one cares about outside of a status symbol. I'd like to learn for the sake of learning, rather than learning to make a grade or learning to escape some fear of judgment or learning because I want to escape the stereotypical female fear of mathematics. I love math. Sort of. I still want to be a professor of some stripe. Sort of. My cousin is currently studying to be an anthropologist... another is working to become a philosopher or poet. As for me, I'm just sitting here being stupid. I'll probably end up fulfilling the grand social role of being someone's terrible snarky wife, and someone's dissatisfied, angry mother. Whoopie-dip. We all know how much everyone values that career option.
And I can't cut the feeling that someone other than me deserves this education a lot more. Someone who would work harder, be smarter, be more valuable to society instead of yet another damnable idiot who can't figure out her priorities.