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Author Topic: Things that made you sad today thread.  (Read 9700860 times)

Vector

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14805 on: October 19, 2010, 03:23:55 pm »

Did something happen, or was it just due to general drift over time? You can probably patch things up with some effort, but if she's committed to cutting things off, it's probably not a relationship worth maintaining. What little I've heard of this person makes her seem flighty and selfish, and not the sort of person I'd want to be around. You certainly know her better, though.

Either way, that can't be a pleasant feeling, no matter what comes of this. I'm sorry. :/

I think it's a realization that Thyme ruthlessly prioritizes, and whatever is making her happiest at the moment is what she prioritizes.  She doesn't care about building long-term.  She cares about instantaneous gratification.  As such, I'm lower on her priorities list because, unlike her other friends, I'm not a toady--and I'm not an awesome genius like they are, either.  Much like things with Rosewood, I could "fix everything" by showing up and just making them feel spectacular about themselves, but that doesn't make me happy... it just makes me feel like a bit of a loser.

And by "I'm not a toady" I mean not that I'm intentionally nasty, but that I am sometimes a bit blunt about things like "well, if your parents are telling you that you spend too much money, maybe you should work out a budget with them."  Also things like "If you're constantly too tired and failing your classes, maybe you should forsake one afternoon with the boyfriend you see constantly in favor of a. sleep and b. studying for midterms."  Her response was jerkishness and a virulent post on a message board we both frequent (which has about 5 active members + 1 lurker, so it's a slightly bigger deal).

It isn't that she's committed to cutting things off, or that she finds me abhorrent.  It's that she doesn't actually talk to me anymore, preferring to discuss how cool she and her drinking buddies are, how cute her boyfriend is, how smart she is, how fun her D&D game has been of late.  I tell her about something good that happened recently; she says "cool."  I tell her about something difficult, she says "Aww," "Ah," and "I see," alternated.  I say "I wrote this short story, and I value your opinion, and I'm trying to get it polished up by Thursday.  Do you think you could do a close reading for me?" and she says "Ahh."  This is after she already said she was willing to read it, almost two weeks ago.

But she isn't, because she always has something "better" to do.  She won't admit that, either.  No matter what it is... chatting with her school friends via IM, doing her homework (completely understandable), hanging out with her boyfriend for the fifth afternoon that week, IMing her boyfriend about Magic cards, playing D&D, talking about D&D, obsessively cleaning her room, watching a movie with her hall-mates, playing video games by herself, drinking.

I'd be okay with this if she said "Well, Ergy, I'm sorry, but I don't think I'd be able to do it justice now that I'm not writing anymore" or some other sort of polite social facefault.  Perhaps "I'd really like to focus on the things I care about," if she was feeling particularly antisocial and arrogant that day.  Not this "I'm going to ignore you until you get the point: I don't care about your writing, I don't care that much about you, and I especially don't care to give you the dignity of informing you of this.  My priority is always me."

We used to switch off playing video games in high school, but we don't do that anymore because she'd rather exercise her social disabilities for great profit and be that awesome autistic kid playing alone in a closet (I'm not kidding).  She used to occasionally run a D&D game, which I and her other friends from here would play; don't do that anymore because she could be playing Starcraft with her college buddies and it couldn't possibly be as awesome as her game at school.  Don't talk about anime because our tastes diverged brutally and it's something she shares with her college buddies.  Don't talk about books because she doesn't read.  Don't talk about math because she sucks at it and would rather complain about her problem set and get help from, you guessed it, a male college friend who just happens to be a "savant" (because autism is the best thing ever, folks!  It's like a neat little club of people who can't communicate with anyone, which you enter by deciding you're a special little cupcake who has Problems).  Don't talk about writing because she doesn't write and doesn't care to accept what I'm offering to share.

Nope.

Now, if I were a proactive individual, I'd tell her about all this.  At this point, though, I've had it.  I dealt with the refusal to be minimally polite.  I dealt with her superiority complex and attitude that it's good to be evil, materialistic, and short-sighted.  I lived with her effectively non-extant contribution to my life, save as someone to "socialize" with who occasionally sent me a self-congratulatory letter.  I listened to her petty complaints and dealt with her inability to let good things happen to other people without one-upping them.

I rationalized that it was fine because I was such an annoying person--same old tired argument that kept me tied to Rosewood, sadly.

Nah.  I'm not exactly depressed anymore, save the occasional moodswing down and serious discussion topic.  I have a reasonable sense of humor, no longer miss Rosewood/relationships/whatever at all, and have enough social skills to handle myself well.  I have some self-confidence and self-respect for the first time in my life.  I'm no longer accepting the "you initiate contact and I'll never contact you" deal from anyone--nor the "you give me condolences and never criticize me after 9 years of relationship or I'll snap at you/wall you off" contract.

There's been time for things to re-balance.  They've only become more disparate and unreasonable.  No more of this muck.  Forget smarmy considerations of things like "intellectual prowess."  Clearly, that's not a good thing to optimize for, because what it gets you is "brilliant" assholes.  Ah, well... lesson learned, I suppose.


My condolences are yours.

Thank you.  I appreciate it.
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MaximumZero

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14806 on: October 19, 2010, 03:29:07 pm »

and I'm not an awesome genius

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with that part of your story. Other than that, you have my empathy that you are drifting from a friend. It's always hard.
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ToonyMan

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14807 on: October 19, 2010, 03:42:31 pm »

Vector, what do you do so people actually respond to your serious sad posts?
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MaximumZero

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14808 on: October 19, 2010, 03:46:19 pm »

Well, Toony, I just happened to be online for this one. Sorry, bro.
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Solifuge

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14809 on: October 19, 2010, 03:54:36 pm »

Vector, what do you do so people actually respond to your serious sad posts?

I white-knight all the time, whenever I think I have advice to offer to people. It's a bad habit.

However, don't think folks don't care, just because they don't always reply. I'd bet you all the DorfBucks that a lot of people read and sympathize with the problems people share here, but due to social norms about openness often don't reply, unless they have something they feel is new or important enough to say about it.
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Mindmaker

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14810 on: October 19, 2010, 03:55:56 pm »

Sincere condolences, Vector. Really.

I had to go through something similar one and a half years ago, which made me loose the greater part of my circle of friends.
However I didn't feel crushed, how I expected.
They actually shared a greater deal of the "qualities" of the person you are talking about.
The feeling of depression went away and I realized I was better of without them.

Hope you can come to a similar conclusion and won't let yourslf get weighted down by regret.
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lordnincompoop

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14811 on: October 19, 2010, 03:59:25 pm »

My condolences as well. I wish I could say more.
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Jackrabbit

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14812 on: October 19, 2010, 04:01:39 pm »

I never say anything because I'm naive and don't have any advice to give, but be assured that my condolences and well wishes will always be there.

Invisible, but there.
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Mindmaker

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14813 on: October 19, 2010, 04:07:28 pm »

However, don't think folks don't care, just because they don't always reply. I'd bet you all the DorfBucks that a lot of people read and sympathize with the problems people share here, but due to social norms about openness often don't reply, unless they have something they feel is new or important enough to say about it.

I can only agree with that.
True, I'm not the most active poster, however that doesn't mean I'm not reading or caring about the posts made.
Most of the time this just mean I have nothing helpful or meaningful to say.

Even so I know the feeling of being ignored/being regarded as insignificant.
I just tell myself, that people share my attitude and my posts won't go unread, even if it seems like it.
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Armok

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14814 on: October 19, 2010, 04:09:04 pm »

Vector, have you considered just checking if any of all these people being supportive of you here happen to live nearby or something?
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Vector

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14815 on: October 19, 2010, 04:12:51 pm »

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with that part of your story. Other than that, you have my empathy that you are drifting from a friend. It's always hard.

Thanks!  I really only meant in terms of Thyme's perspective, but I sincerely appreciate the "correction" =)


Vector, what do you do so people actually respond to your serious sad posts?

1. I'm female

2. I write a short hook without much detail, which will either go unnoticed or lead people to say "hey, tell me more."

3. I give lots of detail and tell a story.  I also try to make jokes and be a bit self-deprecating.  I admit possible guilt and show that I'm applying what people have said to me previously.  I say what I've already tried to do about the problem before posting.  If I have an opportunity to act absurd and audacious, I take it.

4. Before you make people reply, you have to make them want to read.  I think that's the key thing.  I structure whatever I write a lot, so that there's obviously some theme, a direction it's going in, and so on.  I also usually edit for turns of phrase and redundancy, word choice, and so on.  This is just me being a silly perfectionist.

I try not to say things the way everyone else might, so that the reader gets something new out of reading.  I also usually act like I'm carrying on a discussion with the reader.  We're both involved in it.  Furthermore, I usually only talk about things other people might easily relate to.  If they can't relate to it in its normal form, I tie it to other situations to make it relatable.

5. I teach people to respond--they get something out of it.  If a post is negative, I say "thank you for your insight.  I'll think about that."  If it's positive, I try to be complimentary and tell the reader I appreciate what they said.  Hurray for psych 101?

6. When I say something, I mean it.

7. If I don't have anything to say to someone who's addressed me, I come back and reply to everyone about 6-12 hours later.


This above is, of course, unintentional.  But, as far as I can tell, it's "what I do that makes people reply."


My condolences as well. I wish I could say more.

Wow, you're all coming out of the woodwork today!

Don't worry, you've said enough =)  Thank you.


Hope you can come to a similar conclusion and won't let yourslf get weighted down by regret.

No, I'm definitely feeling better already.  I feel more like saying "well, that's too bad, but I'm glad for the epiphany" than getting all depressed and moody.  At this point, things have gone far enough that I'm really not getting anything out of the relationship.  I only regret that it took me so long to notice.


I never say anything because I'm naive and don't have any advice to give, but be assured that my condolences and well wishes will always be there.

Invisible, but there.

Hey, man, thank you.  Invisible is fine, and if you don't have any advice... well, I'll be more than happy if you don't repeat my mistakes  ::)  Or even if you repeat them in new and spectacular ways.

Er... I'm not sure where I was going with this, but I think my point is that I appreciate what you are able to give.


Vector, have you considered just checking if any of all these people being supportive of you here happen to live nearby or something?

They don't, in fact--many of you are from different continents or climes.

Meh, I'm glad for the internet.
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"The question of the usefulness of poetry arises only in periods of its decline, while in periods of its flowering, no one doubts its total uselessness." - Boris Pasternak

nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer renegade mathematician and mafia subforum limpet. please avoid quoting me.

pronouns: prefer neutral ones, others are fine. height: 5'3".

Cthulhu

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14816 on: October 19, 2010, 04:13:34 pm »

That guy's still going at it.  He thinks a deceptively clipped video of 7's collapse is more valid than the seismograph that shows the building took 18 seconds to fall.

FAUX-EDIT:

Nope, he dropped that, and is moving on to the other buildings.
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KaminaSquirtle

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14817 on: October 19, 2010, 04:16:08 pm »

Vector, what do you do so people actually respond to your serious sad posts?
Well, for one, I'd probably end up having a conflicting opinion with Vector, which would lead to a huge debate in which I get whomped by Vector's superior prose, and end up not helping at all anyway.  I've had my share of that for a while.
No offense, Vector, but I just don't feeling like having that discussion again, especially so soon.

and I'm not an awesome genius
I have to disagree here too.  From what I've seen so far, you're plenty awesome, and I'd say you're a genius.  If you're not, you're damn good at looking a lot like one.

And condolences.  It's always sad to lose a friend, even a less than perfect one.  While I haven't had to live through something like that, it sure sounds awfully sad to me.  I wish I could give some sort of advice, but I'm less than qualified to, and you don't look like you need much anyways.

"Warning - while you were typing 5 new replies have been posted. You may wish to review your post.""
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Mindmaker

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14818 on: October 19, 2010, 04:28:25 pm »

I only regret that it took me so long to notice.

It always does.
I shared the thought of "There's obviously something wrong with me, so there is no way they are acting out of place" (at least I believe you said something smiliar somewhere), always thinking I was the problem when among my peers and that I was the one who had to back down.

Huh, fascinating how the need for companionship can become a path to self destruction.

I actually had much more to say, but I'm already quite sleep deprived and have some important affairs tomorrow, that need my attendance.
So good night everyone, I'll read up on everything tomorrow.
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ToonyMan

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Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« Reply #14819 on: October 19, 2010, 04:29:19 pm »


I will just watch from afar.
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