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[Great Order]

Been trying to get an ADHD diagnosis advancing. It's a bit difficult since I can't do it locally for reasons that I can't be bothered to explain. I changed my GP to the one where I'm at university.

Or so I thought.

Turns out that despite filling out a form in person, I wasn't transferred. After that, I did it by the NHS website. Turns out, that didn't work either despite the site telling me I'd successfully registered there. I've run out of estradiol and sertraline because I was under the impression that I'd have to sort it out through them and there was a lock on my account meaning they couldn't send electronic prescriptions nor see my shared care documents. Turns out it's because the NHS website's a fucking liar.

Good news is I'm having a chat with a doctor in an hour or so to sort both of those. Bad news is my ADHD diagnosis isn't progressing, and I'm going to have to call the NHS to sort out this clusterfuck. But after the prescriptions are dispensed so I can avoid a mess with them.

In the meantime, while I wait on the prescription I'm going to S U F F E R ! Coming off of SSRIs is an unpleasant experience for me.

[None]

Well, I've probably torpedoed a friendship. I snapped at him because he was upset that only three of six (eight if you count spouses in the periphery, ten if you count people that post once every three years) had reached out to check in on him in his third month of grieving his ended relationship, after spending hours per week for a month trying to direct him away from the anxious, self-destructive spiral he was feeding himself into. This torpedoed my mental health.

We've had a couple of virtual hangouts in the group since and he's made no effort to join and participate, probably to validate to himself that nobody cares about him and we were never really his friends.

He's also accused me of telling them to give him space when what he wants is the opposite of that; I haven't spoken on his behalf since I last talked to him. I've hardly spoken to any of them myself. I'm mentally ill.

He's also upset I haven't reached out in a month, but one of the things he asked his friends to do was just send him memes and stuff, which I've been doing in lieu of shouldering his emotional burden.

It was never going to be enough.

[Great Order]

Nah, you don't have to deal with that. Sucks what he's going through but it doesn't mean he gets the right to be upset with you for doing what he asked.

[Flying Teasets]

Our neighborhood's free library is being vandalized and torn apart by the current absentee landlord.

[nenjin]

Well, I've probably torpedoed a friendship. I snapped at him because he was upset that only three of six (eight if you count spouses in the periphery, ten if you count people that post once every three years) had reached out to check in on him in his third month of grieving his ended relationship, after spending hours per week for a month trying to direct him away from the anxious, self-destructive spiral he was feeding himself into. This torpedoed my mental health.

We've had a couple of virtual hangouts in the group since and he's made no effort to join and participate, probably to validate to himself that nobody cares about him and we were never really his friends.

He's also accused me of telling them to give him space when what he wants is the opposite of that; I haven't spoken on his behalf since I last talked to him. I've hardly spoken to any of them myself. I'm mentally ill.

He's also upset I haven't reached out in a month, but one of the things he asked his friends to do was just send him memes and stuff, which I've been doing in lieu of shouldering his emotional burden.

It was never going to be enough.

Expecting months of friend therapy isn't reasonable. Snapping at them probably didn't help, but one can totally take their need for sympathy beyond the pale.

[anewaname]

That possibly-ex friend sounds like that are looking for others to take sides regarding the relationship, like they are seeking to be judged and found "clean". This is a sure sign they were not clean, and they did something in the relationship that helped blow it up and they feel guilty.

Maybe they were gaslighted into being that way by the other, but that will become obvious when you force them to describe the bad-events of the relationship.

If you want to deal with it, ask them to describe the bad events that happened to cause the breakup. Stay on the topic until they come to terms with what they did to the other person, then you tell them not to be an ass to other people and to stop demanding pity from others and to go out and meet more people.

[hector13]

‘T ain’t None’s responsibility to make other people not assholes.

[None]

He's going to champion that hurt and pull away from anyone that tries to talk him out of it. He resents her and most of our friend circle now, and I guess I'm next in line. Yeah, buddy, getting broken up with out of a twelve year relationship isn't 'a good thing for you' or what you wanted, but it's better for her and this is not a matter you can moralize or have a say in.

He'll 'Like I said' his way out of having to listen to conflicting opinions and seems to conveniently forget the reasons she's told him it happened or what their next steps were going to be; his ex says that it's amounted to emotional abuse (perhaps not intentionally). I understand all too well, as she pointed out. Yeah, yeah I do.

Maybe one day when he's well enough, we can mend the bridge. I won't bear snipes and accusations because I wouldn't let a drowning man climb over me for air.

[None]

This fucking bupropion.

It's like I'm lagging- reality is a beautiful, instant CRT TV response and I'm parsing it on a discount LCD. I'm walking around in a giant condom and all the desires of life hang just outside the latex walls of my existence. It's like thinking, feeling from behind a layer of that gack slime shit that kids are crazy about. It's fucking slime time live, and all the living is happening outside of me. I can poke a finger through and briefly feel the vibrancy of life, and then my attention slips.

I'm hangry. The only appetite I have is from that jab in the gut that tells you you're running on fumes.

I don't know why, but singing helps. Maybe it's the obligation to tune, pitch, and nowness.

It either gets better in a little over a week when I check back in for my physical, or I'm getting off this shit. Now that I can feel it working, I don't want to feel it.

[Frumple]

Heey, I remember that one, I think? Pretty sure it was one of, like... four or five I've tried over the years. Can't actually remember what they all were, though. Never managed to find a regimen that didn't have crippling side effects, and the last attempt fucked me up so badly I basically couldn't walk for like a week due to tremors and never fully recovered from, heh (small but very much noticeable apparently permanent damage to hand stability and balance, not fun stuff, notably unsafe to climb, it do suck).

Doesn't really mean much, 'cause folks react differently et al, but if my memory's not glitching that's one of the ones that messed me up, too, heh. Definitely talk to your doc if it doesn't clear up relatively soon.

[Magmacube_tr]

How do people know what to do? How do they just say, "I want to do this with my life!" and then they do it?

Yes, yes, I know. Time flies, youth's ephemeral, life's precious, I will look back in regret at all my inaction, I heard them all. But why does that make me even more paralysed? It is horrifying to know that you will regret what aren't doing.

I never thought I would survive this long. I am still waiting for this "terminal mental health collapse" to finally do me in. I know about the autistic suicide statistics, so It can't be long now, can it?

I wish I could just give away my lifespan to someone who has the ability to actually do something with it. It's not like I am using it for much anyways.

[Great Order]

The one I always remember is Northernlion saying something along the lines of "You know what would be shitty? If I spent my whole life doing things that made me uncomfortable just so that other people thought I was living life to the full. That's a bullshit way to go man."

A successful life isn't one where you're abiding by someone else's definition of "use". I'd say a successful life is one where you do what you want instead. If you want to play video games, fucking play them. Want to work till you're 70 and spend the last years of your life retired doing crosswords? Go on. Want to leave it all behind and become a vagrant? Your choice.

The only wrong choice is to do something you dislike for no reason other than to run your life the way someone else wants you to.

[hector13]

The one I always remember is Northernlion saying something along the lines of "You know what would be shitty? If I spent my whole life doing things that made me uncomfortable just so that other people thought I was living life to the full. That's a bullshit way to go man."

A successful life isn't one where you're abiding by someone else's definition of "use". I'd say a successful life is one where you do what you want instead. If you want to play video games, fucking play them. Want to work till you're 70 and spend the last years of your life retired doing crosswords? Go on. Want to leave it all behind and become a vagrant? Your choice.

The only wrong choice is to do something you dislike for no reason other than to run your life the way someone else wants you to.

qft

[JoshuaFH]

I'm really upset at myself. I put so much effort into trying to maintain a sleep schedule, but I just keep fucking it up over and over and over again. It's like, I'll wake up (hopefully) before noon, then the entire day is over in the blink of an eye, and it feels so unfair to just go to bed, so I'll do something and then before I know it like five or six hours have passed and the sun is coming up, and I'm reduced to being a sleep deprived piece of shit again. It really does feel like my perception of time is fucked up or something.

I just can't be trusted to govern myself. Goddamnit.

[anewaname]

@JoshuaFH
1) Find that "it feels so unfair to just go to bed" thought.
2) Review and assess the series of thoughts and feelings you have before and after that moment.
3) You will find the thought is linked to some "good-times memory" that is important to you and is very emotional, and the "follow-up thought" after that is where you make the emotional decision to stay up later. That "follow-up thought" is the one you need to modify... into something that recognizes the emotional content of the "good-times" memory but makes the decision to "relax and sleep this time", because while it was "unfair to just go to bed" back when you were kids and playing, it is not unfair now to allow your body to work on some maintenance.

A key thing here is that the "follow-up thought" to the "it feels so unfair to just go to bed" thought, includes triggering the release of your body's reserves which include body-grown-stimulants. So, these attempts to keep a sleep schedule are failing after the stimulants were dumped into your bloodstream. You need to change the thought cycle before the stimulant release.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Your body always holds back reserves of energy for emergencies that involve great gain or great loss, and it holds back multiple layers of those reserves. That moment an athlete chooses to dig in and finds more energy reserves, those emotional decisions to push themselves trigger stimulant releases. You are doing that each night you decide to stay up, and this is putting your body into a daily crisis, not because of a predator or a food-less environment, but because you are trying to repeat the joy of staying up late some night when you were young.

Critically review that moment because it will surely drive your health to ruin.

For me, it was playing an immersive video game at a friend's house and choosing to stay up all night because I couldn't play the same game at home. And I did similar all-nighters with other games over the years even though I could play the game at home.