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[Loud Whispers]

My father passed away.

May he journey well; and hope you fare well in the days to come too. Or as well as you can. Were you close?

[Laterigrade]

My father passed away.

Hope you’re coping okay, and you have people around you helping you.

[BlackFlyme]

Thank you.

We were close, though I feel I didn't visit him as often as I should have. My grandmother, sisters, and my step-mother live nearby, and I'll be seeing them later today.

Everyone that could be there at the end was.

[Great Order]

Had a good start to the day, my mum came to my uni for her Christmas shopping so we went out. Didn't really buy much of anything, but it was nice.

As soon as she went it all just decided to get really irritating. Can't get shit to work in RDR2 (I'm trying the challenges. I can't bust anyone in poker because almost literally every time I get a good hand, they get a better one. I'm seriously suspecting the game of fudging the cards. This makes Gambler impossible, especially because it's not "Have someone at your table go bust", you specifically have to bust them. Also can't get the huntsman to go off because I need to bait and kill a predator and prey within a certain timelimit without killing anyone or anything in between. I keep placing bait, I get one of them, then the other vanishes. I also found out that half the time you're hearing an animal, it's fucking AMBIENT NOISE. WHO thought THAT was good design? A game with hunting and they add random animal noises literally identical to the noises of the animals you're hunting), I've absolutely frozen my testicles off because the UK's being hit by a blast of cold air off the North Sea, the video card I thought I might be getting turned out to be a scam (Not that I lost any money, but it's still frustrating), and Circuit Laundry has proven its incompetence and shitty machines for the third time (Machine sat at 1 minute remaining for 20 minutes before finally throwing an Out of Order error. It hadn't drained my clothes at all (though had thankfully washed them) and when I went to report it, the cunts hung up on me TWICE. They want to fix their machine, they can work out it's broken themselves. I'm not going to sit through another 5-10 minutes of shitty 30 second looping music to get hung up on) which is seriously making me question why universities are so in love with them. Are they getting kickbacks or something?

[Kagus]

Gambler is a massive pain, aye... I remember one of the blackjack challenges where I finally managed to draw up to 5 cards without going bust after ages of mindless button-smashing... But then I lost the challenge because the dealer drew 20 and pushed. Dunno if you've done the domino ones yet, but there's a trick to "winning

• games in a row" in that you can just be a poor sport and stand up mid-game without it counting as a loss.

For the predator and prey, it's been a while since I did that one, but can't you plop down two baits within viewing distance and then dead-eye the required targets?

[Great Order]

It doesn't spawn them is the issue. It only attracts nearby ones.

And it *means* nearby. I honestly don't understand their point.

[dragdeler]

Make someone go bust I'd make sure to have more money than anyone sitting at the table, go all in, reloead until you win.

[Great Order]

Managed to win, I started lucking out with flushes, straights, and in one instance a suicidally bluffing AI (They had Ace high and went all-in despite that).

In other news, friend's having a really shitty time of things right now. I'm left worrying about them and hoping things get better.

[dragdeler]

æßēīœîø

[None]

Not seeking advice. The good news is, I start therapy next week. The below is ranting.

I wish people didn't default to thinking of me in the negative because it's easy to do. I wish my descriptors today weren't 'cranky' and 'paranoid' and 'hates the outdoors.' I wish the answers to things that I have psychological blocks to doing weren't just 'well, just do it.' I wish I wasn't sitting in my 'grampa pajamas' at my 'screen I spend my life behind' with my 'dogs I don't spend enough time with' with my 'drinks too much' shitty seltzer water. And maybe I'm just being 'thin-skinned' about it all, but dammit, it hurts and hurts and hurts again and who the fuck do I tell because if I speak up about my hurt to my partner she's going to get an anxiety attack or get mad and ask me why we're dating if I'm so hurt like it's my FUCKING fault that I'm hurt and it's something I need to deal with, not her. And when we've brought it up in a healthier fashion, she tells me she feels like she has to walk on eggshells in order to avoid upsetting me and the anxiety of it is literally ruining her. I'd cry about it, but she's called me out for not crying already too. And who else am I going to talk to? I'm already 'bad at talking to people.' It's hard to find time to reach out when you're working a seven to four, keeping two young dogs happy, running errands, doing most of the driving, and keeping house.

She talks to me like I need to be put in my place, like retribution for everyone that's suffered under the patriarchy. I need to be corrected and criticized. She's made jabs at the fact that I grew up in a middle class nuclear family like that's something I could choose.

I wish she didn't say 'I love you' in place of 'thank you' when she's asking me to do something, since that's about the only time she says it besides when we end a phone call.

I wish my parents didn't spit in my hand when I offer kindness or explanation about holiday scheduling.

I wish I could be mean. I WANT to be mean. I want to be mean and miserable and tell my parents to fuck off and my partner to stuff it and the world in general that my patience has ended. There's only muck and pestilence left in the well and draw from it carefully, i goddamn dare you.

I've been a soft target for twenty nine goddamn years of my life and I'd really, really like to explode. Just full on knives out angry old man at everyone trying to get their digs in. Yes, I fucking know there's a lot to dig into- I'm a fucking mess in the head with no shortage of idiosyncrasies and low tolerance for overstimulation. Fuck, I didn't know wanting the bedroom and closet doors shut at night when we go to bed was something worth being critical about enough to call me paranoid for. Why should anyone give a shit? It's fucking doors! Yes I have a preference!  Why? Why!? It's DOORS!

I may not stop being a soft target, but I could put up hard walls. Just up and fuck off from people I know. There's delicate people out there elsewhere, right?

I'm so fucking tired. One must imagine Sisyphus happy, as they say. Does Sisyphus have temper tantrums? Here's my temper tantrum. What's he do with the knot in his soul?

--

They're not even incorrect criticisms, though- yes I'm cranky, yes perhaps I'm paranoid, I did turn a block after a car parked on the street pulled out right after we did. Yes, I struggle to communicate events and happenings to people, specifically my family, but the less they know, the less anxiety comes back to me. Yes, I could be thicker-skinned, yes, she gets critical and needly when she's had a difficult day, and yes, I don't take criticism well, particularly when I've had a difficult day. Yes, finding a better job would remove some of my day-to-day anxiety. Yes, I spend too much time behind a screen and sometimes fail to focus my attention appropriately. Yes, I have attention deficit issues and it's really hard to deal with when she wants my attention every other minute. No, cursing around my apartment when I drop a food toy for my dogs doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel sick.

Yes, being this sensitive is bad for our relationship. I don't know how I stop feeling hurt, though. Should it hurt to be called 'predictable' about, say, what I'm playing, or what I suggest for dinner?

[Loud Whispers]

I hope you can find a quiet place to rest and throw your weariness away None. Sometimes you just run into these kinda problems where you've got an issue but any accommodation of it is a red line for some. I've got a big problem where if I hear footsteps when I'm sleeping, I instantly wake up in a fight or flight response. When I lived with my fam I just constantly got yelled at whenever I asked people to try keep the noise down or at least close the bathroom door when they were using it at 3:00 a.m., people screaming I had no business telling them how to use a bathroom e.t.c., but even if I told them I wasn't ordering them around I was just asking politely I'd get some follow up like "just stop listening to us then"

Bruh

I am sleeping

Your noise wakes me up

I cannot control what my ears pick up or what makes me awaken when I am asleep

These kinds of things you can deal with... Unless you are like a rock in a river, worn down after miles and miles of exhausting bashes. Then even minor quarrels can become unbearable. So I hope you will just find some time to move out, even if only for a while, where you can get rest and see things clearly

[nenjin]

I know you're not asking for advice None. But I cannot read that and not have opinions about it.

Everything you've told us about this relationship points to a partner who isn't really supporting you. Own your shit but do not throw yourself under the bus simply to spare her feelings. If she bursts into tears whenever you defend yourself or call her on her bullshit, that's text book manipulation.

You're paying most of the bills.
You're doing most of the housework.
You're doing all the driving.
You're taking care of the pets.

By my estimation, you have both the dominant position and valid complaints about how you're being treated.

I hate it when women tell a man they're "too emotional" or "too senstive" then they turn around and leverage that exact same shit to get what they want. You even identified the behavior. She says "Love you" to weaponize affection when she needs you to do something. That is again text book manipulative behavior. She does because it lowkey telegraphs that her love is contingent on you doing what she wants you to do.

I'm glad you're in therapy. I would spend significant time talking to them about your relationship. You've identified being a doormat for your family already. Consider that you, by your nature, found a partner that replicated that same dynamic and the same resentments are building up. Consider that maybe she decided to date you because she saw behaviors in you, insecurities and vulnerabilities, that she knew she could manipulate. It might not even have been a conscious thought on her part.

The "predicatable" thing also gets me. Yeah, when you're doing all the work the last thing you feel is the desire to be spontaneous. You want something familiar, easy, comforting. Because you're fucking tired. Meanwhile your partner expects you to do all that, and THEN find the zest to keep her entertained with novelty?

And wanting doors and cabinets shut? Yes, 100%! They're meant to be shut when not in use. There's no reason to have a fight over that or call someone out for that being their preference, because it's a reasonable, normal preference. Your partner should accept that's how you prefer things, and if she won't shut doors or cabinets herself, the least she could do is....not give you shit for it when you do it yourself? That's the definition of needling someone for no reason other than you can.

I'm just going to level with you. Don't respond. Just think about it: what does she ACTUALLY BRING TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP other sex and the occasional emotional validation and the sense of being valued by someone? She's not pulling her weight on the bills. She's not supporting your emotional needs. She's damaging your emotions by the things she says. And she dismisses your problems as something you just need to work on.

You pointed out so many red flags when you got into the relationship and moved in together. And having read all your posts on this....it's panning out the way I kind of expected.

When she asks "Then why are we even dating" that's a question you should really answer internally. Why ARE you dating her? What do you VALUE that she consistently brings? Or are you in this relationship because you decided to play Captain Save-A-Hoe. (I use that term jokingly, not literally.)

Again, I know you're just venting. But reading your side of how you're being treated makes me kind of angry on your behalf. The response to being sensitive should not be "be less sensitive." You can totally blow stuff out of proportion, it's true. But reading what you're doing in your relationship vs. how you're being treated, there seems like a real imbalance that would mess with me as well. If a woman burst into tears, and you told her "stop crying and be less sensitive" you'd be called an inconsiderate asshole who doesn't respect her feelings. So....why is the reverse acceptable?

[Great Order]

Fucking CUNTING statistics are literally stressing me to fucking tears. I've got an assignment and I just cannot get the fucking things to work at all. This isn't some "It'd be nice to have it in the assignment" either, this is "The assignment needs it or I can't get it to work at all" which is why it' stressing me out so fucking much.

[None]

I'm also working my way off Lexapro to try a different anxiety medication, so my mood's been a bit, ah, unstable. Consequently I have no idea what I'm actually supposed to be upset about or what I shouldn't take seriously, but that's a question for a good friend and therapy.

It's.... not currently a great time. There are pits of despair and desperation and rage I didn't know I had in my head and it's all very sloshy right now. I heard a lot about the 'brain zaps' when coming off of the stuff; I was expecting it to be 'zappier' it's more like tiny bouts of intense vertigo. Fuckin' fickle thinking meats.

[Great Order]

Yeah, my brain zaps tend to trigger when I look side-to-side. It's like a sudden, short-but-intense bout of dizziness, almost like when you're dehydrated and stand up too quickly but without any access to shrimp colour.

It'll get better. Might take a bit, but it will.

EDIT: Adding onto the shit sandwich of today, having a bunch of anxiety over loads of things and a massive bout of gender dysphoria.

Honestly you could probably write a thesis or two just by looking at my psyche. It's a fucking mess.