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[nenjin]

Man, I had forgotten how much of an emotional seesaw I can be in relationships.

It's like, talking to her lights up my entire day. I can't stop smiling and being happy for hours afterwards. "Nenjin was euphoric remembering talking to his girlfriend." Those are the highs. But then like the sun going behind clouds, when I want to talk to her and can't, or when she says she's going to make time to talk to me and doesn't, then it's like going from being warm in sun to being cold in the shade. Those are the lows.

I'm trying to weight how much of this is me and how much is her. Like, I'm starting to feel a little manic here. Manically happy, and manically sad. I know that part's on me.

But then there's the other half. She has two kids 5 & 6, and I know I'll never be a bigger part of her day than them. I accept that. But after they're in bed, it's the weekend, holidays and there's time to talk, she just doesn't make time for it. I've known her for a month and I've talked to her maybe a total of an hour and a half on the phone, only in the brief window between work and picking up her kids, and a few minutes on Discord. A lot more if we count text, which we do mostly during work. Her month has been crazy for too many reasons to go into. And I've just opted to give her space, so she doesn't have even more pressure and doesn't feel like she has to use even more of her vanishingly small personal time to spend on me. I don't attempt to ever call her. She seems to rarely check her phone except a few times a day anyways. So there's not much point texting hoping for a response either. I know most of what I send will just get read in one big bunch when she checks her phone.

I've always maintained that people are fairly easy to read: they make time for the things that matter to them. They don't make time for the things that don't, and there's little disguising that in deed. There are many excuses, and most are valid. There's a scale of things that matter to things that don't too, but generally this has never done me wrong.  Actions speak louder than words. You know a friend because they make the time to talk to you, hang out with you, etc. Family is the same way. So are lovers.

And if I can actually be legitimately frustrated instead of politely disappointed as I am when talking to her....damn it, 90% of the people I text respond within the day, if not within a few minutes. Not a solid day later. She's a single mom raising two kids and I can't truly understand what that's like (despite being raised by one), nor do I even feel like I can or should criticize it.

But her being like a blackbox as soon as she's not working doesn't sit well with some part of me. Something has felt off here from the moment I started understanding this pattern.

I hate feeling this weak and vulnerable. Making time and space to spend what quality time you can with someone and then being left sitting there makes me feel like an idiot. I hate the sinking feeling this means more to me than her, which has always been my kryptonite. I kinda hate myself for not being able to take it in stride and spending too much energy and emotion thinking about it. I've been damming up a lot of emotions from a face-palmingly long stretch of being single and trying to not be swept away by them. It is easy for someone single who has been single for a long time to get too emotionally invested, versus someone who at the end of the day already has responsibilities and a family.

On the other hand, relationships are a two way street. She's already acknowledged she kind of sucks at communication, that even her family criticizes her for being unreachable too often. All that I can take in stride. But when someone says they're going to call me and then don't, nor text, nor nothing......am I being crazy and clingy, or is that not worrisome? Even if it's not malicious, if it's not about me and it's just who she is.....gotta ask if I can be ok with that. It's hard to be super into someone but getting them drip fed to you. On something has fundamental as "can we talk?" We haven't even gotten to the "So when are we actually going to SEE each other" part of the negotiation.

Mostly I'm just missing her, and remembering why this is the part of relationships I always struggle with the most. And I'm trying to determine where my threshold is for asking her "Do you think you actually have time for this relationship?" or asking myself "Do you think you have the grace to bear the constant emotional roller coaster you're putting yourself through?"

One thing is for certain: my track record for getting attached to/drawing complicated people to me remains intact. I suppose I'm dumping out my emotions on my personal life on Bay12 so I can have parsed through my angst before I actually speak to her again.

[Vector]

For what it's worth, I'm someone who often doesn't text people back for literally weeks, sometimes I don't email back for months. That started when I became a high school teacher and hasn't changed subsequently. I used to take similar treatment personally but not anymore. It's not really a sign of not caring, it's a sign of, well, it's a sign that she has two young-ish children, who probably are starting to have homework and still make messes, and a job. And hopefully some long-standing friendships that she prioritizes.

I would honestly just ask her at the end of work when she has an ability to exit: "hey, I don't want to make this weird, but do you want to go on a date sometime?" And if she says "yes, if I wasn't so busy," ask if you can help pay for a baby sitter (or whatever) so you can have a night out. If she says no, then too bad, but you're both adults, it's a reasonable adult thing to ask. Might as well get it over with.

[nenjin]

For what it's worth, I'm someone who often doesn't text people back for literally weeks, sometimes I don't email back for months.

For your SO?

It's not really a sign of not caring, it's a sign of, well, it's a sign that she has two young-ish children, who probably are starting to have homework and still make messes, and a job. And hopefully some long-standing friendships that she prioritizes.

Yeah but that's like...the week. The day. The times when she has freedom she doesn't use it to talk to me. Part of that I know is she's nervous about having space to talk to me. She's just got an apartment with her kids and I get the impression she's uncomfortable talking to me around them. I get that.

OTOH there's been times already where you absolutely would expect to hear from someone who is thinking about you and she was radio silent. She "shut down" over Christmas and didn't talk to anyone, me included for my birthday or for xmas or several days afterward. Other times she's said "Sorry, just fell asleep" or "Sorry, just started playing video games and stayed up until 3am." All shit I'm fine with. Except...there's more excuses than conversations. You know who is up at 3am playing video games too? This guy! All this fits into "you have your personal time too, and I want to respect that." It's not even that I think she isn't being legitimate in liking me. The conversations we have are so genuine they almost hurt. But then we have these lapses of communication where I do all the talking into the void. And that feels bad.

I would honestly just ask her at the end of work when she has an ability to exit: "hey, I don't want to make this weird, but do you want to go on a date sometime?" And if she says "yes, if I wasn't so busy," ask if you can help pay for a baby sitter (or whatever) so you can have a night out. If she says no, then too bad, but you're both adults, it's a reasonable adult thing to ask. Might as well get it over with.

So she lives 3 hours away. And we're well beyond the "do you want to go on a date" courting phase and firmly into "when do you want to be intimate" territory. Which contributes to how heady this all is but ultimately is less important to me than just getting to know her better.

We just knew last month wasn't going to work at all for anything. So sometime this year, she's said she's going to make time to be free so I can come see her. January or later, I dunno and I doubt she does either. But if she can barely keep up with texting me outside of work hours, it kind of undermines my confidence she can make space for an entire weekend. I don't think it's a money thing, or the lack of a baby sitter thing. I think she has all that if she needs. It's making the actual decision to do it. Again, I haven't been putting more energy into wondering when I'm going to go down and see her when most of my energy is being spent on "Do I actually get to talk to her?" first.

It's like, just because you're infatuated with someone and have talked at length about all that entails...it doesn't automatically turn into a commitment to pursue anything. Just having someone to flirt and dream with can be enough to keep people going for a while. Her background and mine put us both on semi-equal footing; neither of us have had a lot of relationships. I don't think she's playing games with me or anything so juvenile.....I'm just sort of wondering if she's too scattered to really focus on anything but her priorities. She's at least intimated as much for last month and I was like "I get it." But much as she might like to have the time, I'm starting to wonder if she's capable of actually making any. I mean if she isn't mindful enough to send a follow up text saying "sorry, just ran out of energy tonight, will try to talk to you tomorrow", should I expect her to make the effort to clear an entire weekend? Again, I've spent all of about 30 minutes in her actual presence since we met in the context of a business trip. There's so much actual relationship stuff we haven't tried to do yet.

*sigh* Mostly this is just my baggage. I'm probably taking it too personally or trying to crystal ball too hard on it. It's difficult not to feel a keen sense of disappointment though every time it happens. I'm a hyper communicator. By personality, by profession. And personal responsibility to people in relationships, romantic or otherwise, saying what you mean, meaning what you say, are all big with me.

Put it this way. If I said "I'll call you tonight" and then couldn't, I would at least say something that night to the effect of "Sorry, can't talk tonight after all but I'm thinking of you."

The truth is, all I have is free time to wonder, dream, worry when I'm done with work for the day. She doesn't. Her heart is already filled by something pretty significant; mine isn't. That puts us on unequal footing.

[hector13]

One thing I will say is being a parent is all-consuming, to the point that you have no space for yourself in your own existence, and I’m saying that as someone raising a child with another person, never mind two kids on my own.

If I ever get time to myself away from my wife and child, fuck every other relationship in my life, that time’s for me.

[nenjin]

I guess when I thought about being interested in someone with kids that wasn't the first challenge I considered.

[hector13]

I’m not suggesting she doesn’t value your relationship, just that alone time can be at a premium as a parent.

Days are long as a parent, having to get up even if you’re exhausted to sort out kids before the day starts, and then having to go to work. Just because her employment work has ended doesn’t mean her work has; she still has to look after her kids up until bedtime, possibly beyond, and it’s probably at that point she can take time for herself, unless she does it backwards and gets up super early,  it if she’s up ‘til 3 playing games, chances are she’s doing what I do and taking from sleeping time in order to get alone time.

[nenjin]

No, I get you. It's a fair point and something she's already laid out for me. Adding in an apartment move, a car accident, end of year at her business, new software (that's me), it's a 6 way clusterfuck on top of being a single mom of two.

So I can only count on her letting me know when she has time. So when she actually says she has time to talk, and then still doesn't.....ppfffffffffttttttttttttttt. Patience is not a virtue I was blessed with. Adding in some abandonment and self-esteem issues can easily be a recipe for butthurt. I'm trying over here but as you can plainly see, it do be tough sometimes.

[Egan_BW]

As someone who has.. problems with my self, it's kinda wild that we go to sleep every night.
By doing so, we basically die.  And that can be terrifying.

From a sloshed perspective that's all pretty rad.  We destroy ourselves into a dreamforge and emerge anew each morning.
That, or we just tolerate a night of weird shit which we quickly forget.

I'm sure /s that there's some spiritualism answer to my situation.
That, or people caring about me.
(carnally seems to help)

Come on, what's special about sleep? I am the data encoded in my neurons, and every thought I have, every memory I recollect, everything I do rearranges that data through the process of reading it and using it, introducing noise and nuance both. Thinking is killing me.

[Vector]

Nenjin--

I probably wouldn't ghost my SO, you're right. However, I would never call someone I had known for only a month and talked to for a total of an hour and a half on the phone my SO. I would probably say we were "interested in each other" and that we hadn't been on a date yet.

I have absolutely ghosted my chosen family for months. There are people who have been waiting for me to call them since May. Everyone knows that if you need me for an emergency I'll pick up the phone no matter how tired I am, but if you just want me to laugh at your meme or talk about normal life, chances are it might have to wait. This has been a really fucking bad year.

I won't continue on that, but I want to add that I agree with Hector. When I was a teacher I wasn't even ever working with kids that young, largely high schoolers, and I was fucking exhausted at the end of every day and spent most of my social time crying or complaining about how hard it was. Getting a PhD is much easier.

[nenjin]

However, I would never call someone I had known for only a month and talked to for a total of an hour and a half on the phone my SO. I would probably say we were "interested in each other" and that we hadn't been on a date yet.

Fair point. She feels pretty significant to me though. Things escalated kind of quickly. I think neither of us were really prepared for how fast. That and the fact we've been working/flirting/talking throughout the work week makes it feel like we know each more than we honestly do, and are closer than we honestly are. But I know that is all still fairly surface level, which is why I want to actually start to getting to know her before I get much deeper into this.

[LordBaal]

Adding to Hector there, being a parent is a 25 hours per day job, at least if you are responsible. And I'm talking from the point of view of someone that's is also raising only one little dude with his wife. Can't even imagine what is like to doing it alone, and with two instead of just one.

I think you are going to be fine, but are in a phase of naturally wanting more attention from her? It definitively doesn't sounds like she's uninterested at all but with kids is also a seesaw, roller coaster and surprises at every corner and at the age of 5 and 6 its probably the highest point.

At that age we are the perfect blend of self awareness, mobility and knowledge with idiocy, lack of coordination and ignorance that make us (apart from serial killers and politicians) the most dangerous humans on the planet. Once she's with her kids, they just probably absorb all her attention and any energy left for that day.

While you describe yourself not very patient, patience is the name of the game here.

[Flying Teasets]

GitHub can quietly remove credits from commit messages without adding a changelog, making one look like a plagiarist.

[nenjin]

Did finally talk to her with my actual voice after what feels like over a week. Talked some stuff out. Her situation just got crazier, again. She just can't catch a break. Then the call dropped after about 10 minutes, and I didn't hear back from her after that.

I don't know which I'm feeling more of at the moment; dark amusement or karmic paranoia.

[Great Order]

Had a weird dream, but part of it involved me getting shitty SRS and now I'm sat here with some nasty dyphoria.

I'm trying to fix it brain, could you please stop this?

[Rolan7]

Come on, what's special about sleep? I am the data encoded in my neurons, and every thought I have, every memory I recollect, everything I do rearranges that data through the process of reading it and using it, introducing noise and nuance both. Thinking is killing me.

Yeah that... I'm not sure what that was.  It followed quite a pleasant night hanging out with my bro, drunk and telling rambling stories (at his insistence!).  I guess that opened me up to thinking about sad stuff and existential fears (and impaired my filters).

I think maybe the takeaway is for me to continue avoiding drinking that much!  I get exactly the right amount of such navel-gazing in my dreams, with less fear and sadness.  And I have a SO I can be honest with soberly without alcohol or drugs.

Also I was probably over-socialized and instinctively went back to alcohol to treat the symptoms.  That ain't a long term solution, I've been over that.