...Gma suffered another injury yesterday, and I was most convenient to drive her to the hospital (FUCK using an ambulance). Sharp pain in her "thigh". Actually her knee, but she can barely hear and is always confused. Pretty far into dementia.
Sat with her in the ER waiting room and then the actual room. Time ticked by scary fast. She pretty much just slept, despite it being the day. I thought I was fine, messing with my phone and assisting as staff after staff came in and attempted to speak with her like
like a person
I think I don't consider my gma fully alive anymore. Certainly not after 2-3PM. There's a glimmer of her still there in the mornings, but it's not like any of us are around to see that. I miss her. When she was going deaf, and losing vision, it was rough but she still had so much to say.
And I think... I mean, she mumbles in her sleep. I think she's back there, in her memories. She was able to recite her birthday. That's all still there. She just doesn't know the present. She doesn't know me. She keeps mistaking me for my dad (why not my aunt, huh? ...cruel thought. Very unfair, I still have his ponytail).
I got... "autistic" about the hospital staff, though I buried that. I seethed about how incompetent the system seemed. Nothing made sense, all arbitrary and wasteful. Giving the same information over and over and over. Records missing her allergies. Each new face attempting to talk to her as if she isn't blind deaf and dumb. INCOMPETENT. But that was internal- I was there and I helped.
I was there and I helped.
...
It gave me a lot of very angry thoughts. Mostly aimed at systems.
I've been struggling with one very concise medical question for at least a month now. I keep trying to google it. I keep asking in appropriate circles. No one has heard of my problem, except for one kook on 4chan who gave me rather dangerous advice. My mom, an ex-nurse, doesn't know. Asks me to check with a professional. The question seems so simple, though, and I keep trying to find an answer. But all the searches return either "If you face any problems whatsoever, stop everything and call a doctor (so I guess by powering through I died)" or "lol just put it directly in your muscle, *slur*, it worked for me".
I wish I could go to the hospital just because my knee hurts. Pay a 65$ copay (I'm covering her, I'll get it back) and get 4 nurses and 2 doctors to examine my problem. Be seen in the EMERGENCY room for a painful knee, have my blood and urine drawn and tested, a doctor finding the problem (NOT her thigh, and not her hip, she and my dad were both WRONG).
All that- all that for a v-veg... why the fuck don't I rate a fucking answer for a generic fucking question??? I DO!