I spent almost all of yesterday with my dad and it was really great! But then around the firebowl we got in a conversation with his neighbor about their divorces and I had to listen to a whole lot of things I preferred not to think about ever again. I reacted last night by writing a truly horrifying, nauseating bit of short fiction of a character which I guess represented me a bit. It was like my body-horror nightmares but with a conscious director making some artistic statement about body resentment. I reflexively edited it, using synonyms and impassively rewriting redundant phrases. Then I stared at it, a while, and saved it with a dire warning as a filename.
(And made a mental note to delete everything I've ever written from everywhere. because that's a thing.)
I killed time until dawn and fell asleep in the daylight, but instead of the typical daymares I got 3 hours of inspirational dreams about gender euphoria. In a crazy coincidence a friend shared hir new Slaaneshi army right as I woke, and we enthused about psionic body transformation for a while.
Later (after responsibilities) I had a brisk 12 kilometer walk to process things. To quote a certain WH40K cultist, it is a good pain~ Very affirming ache <3 I'm not punishing my body, but I like to think it'll improve as a result. It certainly released the fun chemicals <3
(I had to edit this down a *lot*, it originally involved a lot more therapeutic venting. Which was very helpful, but really didn't need to be shared publicly! Also while this ended happy, it's just one episode in a war which might never end.)