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[Vector]

Not quite sure what you mean by 'Fish pills'.

Are you addicted to Omega 3?

I get almost no omega 3 in my natural diet, because I'm a strict vegetarian (not anymore, haha).  If you look it up online, some giant number of depression cases have been linked to an omega-3 fatty acid deficiency, and taking fish oil really helped (in a statistically significant way).  I guess you could say I'm addicted, in the same way I'm addicted to eating food and drinking water.

Vector, have you tried meditation? I use it as a tool to sort out all my mental issues (now that I have the chemicals under control.)

Some, not much.  I actually have a pretty good mental defragger, most of the time, but I've been too busy thinking about external things, morality, whatever to recognize the signals coming out from under the hood.  Usually, I can keep all of this under control, and when I'm having trouble, a little journal-writing fixes everything.  In this case it feels like the chemical imbalance put an edge on everything that was mucking up my subconscious--just a friendly reminder from the good old brain that my life is more fragile than I like to think.

Oh, well... I'm doing a bit better, now, and the crud that was overwhelming me is back to its usual background hum.  Now that I've bought myself some time, I seem to be floundering along well enough.  Actually fixing the subconscious muck is going to take a long time, though.  The things I think I need are going to take a long time to get.  Doesn't help that I don't trust anyone enough IRL to talk about them.  Oh, well... projects, projects.

If it's not too personal a question... when did you start using them?

5 months ago, when I was cripplingly depressed.  I've been on and off of them since then (tempting fate, I guess) and what I've noticed is that when I forget to take them for a week or so, I start having some of the old issues come back--feelings of rampant anxiety and indecision, coupled with a certain detachment from what I've decided is "reality."  My temper also kind of goes out the window, and the self-checking systems I've built have a hard time figuring out what's appropriate for various situations.

Then I go back on the fish pills and after a couple of days, I can usually deal with things again.  Looks like a fairly standard chemical dependency to me.

[ToonyMan]

I'm sad because I had the poor judgment to ask on TwoCansandString who would win in a fight between a knight and a samurai.

The results were overwhelmingly on the side of the samurai, citing stuff the answerers saw in anime.

OH GOD ANIMU

[MaximumZero]

Lots o' stuff...

You seem to have a fairly good grip on your situation. It just slips every once in a while. Happens to everyone. (At the very least, me as well.)

[Mindmaker]

Being sad for apparently no reason.
Maybe due to the lack of people to talk to.

Oh well, it probably fades away tomorrow.

[Huesoo]

Goddamn ginger tosser, you live so far away yet fuck everything up.

[smigenboger]

@Vector

Mental troubles aside, can you just be over Rosewood? You make him sound like an ass who fills some personal ideal role that you'd be helpless without.

If not him, would you fixate on someone else? Do you really have to feed this sort of dependent-yet-still-trying-to-be-independent-of-everyone complex?

It's been more than a few months, maybe you should try a different approach.

[Vector]

can you just be over Rosewood?

Working on it.  Doesn't help that when I spend time with Aspen, he wants to talk about how to help Rosewood and how none of this was his fault, really, and won't I help him communicate with Rosewood and make everything better.  The logical thing would be "don't spend time with Aspen," but that hasn't been a very good choice of late.

I'll be back at school in 10 days and hopefully tutoring in 5, so that should fix a lot of the issue.  I haven't had many people to think about.

You make him sound like an ass who fills some personal ideal role that you'd be helpless without.

Very astute of you.  I don't know why I keep talking about my issues here.  It seems kind of stupid.  Well, whatever... onwards.

I learned of him on one of the first days of high school--in an article on noteworthy graduating seniors from the year before.  He seemed like what I had always wanted to become.  Brilliant, handsome, well-liked and creative.  I had never felt like I was any of those.  Then I met him, three years later, and he really did seem like that person--on top of being gentle, generous, and kind in a sort of universal way.  He was unfailingly, unerringly polite.  I like nice guys.  Unfortunate that I couldn't figure out what he was and what he really wasn't.

So I dated him, doing everything I could to appease this wonderful, surprising person, and no matter what I did it was never enough.  The minute I started sharing my points of view, he had to contradict me, admonish me, tell me that I was wrong.  Every time!  Nothing I said was good enough, insightful enough, or even right, and so I--fool that I was--thought I just hadn't managed to live up to the ideal.  He's four years older than I am, after all.  It made sense that I wasn't as good as he was in any area.  At one point, he ended up telling me he thought I was evil.  I'd always feared this was true, and so I believed him.  In the end, I was a deconstructed mess, a victim of my own manipulated insecurities.

He was a direction, fundamentally.  Some part of me is still waiting for someone to come tell me I'm a decent human being, and for me to believe it.  The best I can do, right now, is to figure out how he did what he did so that I never treat somebody else that way.  I don't want to turn around and make someone else suffer like this.


And so, when you ask: "Will you just fixate on someone else?" I have to say "goodness, I hope not."  It's my duty to be the good I want to see in the world.  Can I truly be good if I'm just writhing in my own mess?  Doesn't seem like it.

[Duke 2.0]

 Hargleblargle. Was chatting with a friend and trying to come up with something to say when they say "I feel my life and body are falling apart" when Steam sort of died on me. On one hand I'm relieved that for the moment I don't have to wrestle with the inability to say anything, but now they are on their own and possibly thinking I just left them in their time of need. Dammit.

[Gunner-Chan]

Steam maintenance. And no that's rather reassuring.

[Tack]

Vector- If you'll accept a compliment from someone on the internet- You help people, which kinda contradicts your evilness. And as far as I've noticed, you're one of the only people who offers Useful advice to people on hopeless board Life advice. So obviously, people depend on you.

Hey, if you can keep solving everyone's mathematical and emotional problems for them, both things which you are great at, then you're expending more time on other humans than is average in this world- And that's gotta be good karma right there. So in my opinion, to call you a 'decent human being' is quite honestly an understatement.


So sing it up, My sister. In this world which everyone is lonely. Everything will be fine someday. Some other day.
(Sorry. Just had to throw that in. Love that song.)

[ToonyMan]

Couldn't use Steam all day, tomorrow is Friday though so huzzah.

[Leafsnail]

That sounds so... deeply, deeply cruel.

Sortof like making you build up a dependancy on him...

If it means anything at all, you definitely seem like a good person to me.  And I'm sure those who know you on this board will agree.

[Tack]

Yes, but does anyone... truly... know Vector


And to make my post relevant to "sad"-
Lurkers. Lurkers make me sad.


... I swear this post was five times as big an hour ago.

[Nolor]

I just chugged a liter of chocolate milk, demonstrating horrible decision making and complete lack of forethought.

[smigenboger]

It's somewhat justified, though I'd figure those malicious people would be on Facebook and Myspace before Bay12. There are always PMs, IRC, and possibly the Steam group, if you like to get more personal with certain people. I talked to a few of you on AIM, but those people are never on it.