In ways, it reminds me a bit of my good friend's mental processes whenever he was getting close to a panic attack... the breakdown, the worst-case worries, the self doubt, and more.
Lucky for me, this is nowhere near breakdown territory. It's the start, to be sure, but I can hold it together way past here, for a long, long time (order of years with no one noticing unless I let them). I'm not particularly worried about that, since generally that's just the mental soup I've lived in for most of my life. They aren't worst-case worries. They're usual-case worries, which are now indistinguishable as worries because they're so common.
To be honest, I didn't even notice anything was wrong until I randomly started crying, and then I had to go back and figure out what was messing me up so much.
I can see the fear and worry here, mixed into a great pool of self-doubt and confusion.... and I think fixating on the confusion and worries themselves is causing a snowball effect... building and building until that becomes the object of your focus. You're getting lost in a sea of Bad Dreams here.
Possibly. Mostly, I don't even think about these things, when I can. It just occasionally jumps on me that I've been having nightmares for a good long time, without really seeing the pattern or the theme--or I notice that my face doesn't make sense, when I can usually cope with that and the occasional fantasies of getting a veil or something
. I think I noticed too much at once, and it all collided into a mess.
Now that I'm no longer distracted with the Rosewood issue, all the stuff I'd been living with pre-Rosewood that was magnified by his presence seems to be wreaking its merry havoc. My brain isn't sure what to do with all that muck, isolated as it is.
I think you could probably use something grounding to focus on. I don't know what that is, but something tactile and methodical; enough to occupy your mind and hands, like yardwork or origami. You can recognize that the things floating through your head aren't helpful, so accept them for what they are and let them be... and let your focus drift from them to something more sound and tactile.
Possibly. I think you're right in that I need something to tinker with, but most things fail to keep my mind busy enough... it just chews them up, spits them out, and leaves me with very little relief. The truth is that the "dream" you saw is just the way my mind represents things on a fundamental level: a clutter of imagery, gestures, and tactile sensation that makes little sense when untranslated. The trouble there is that the translator was breaking down, which... as you so astutely guessed... occurs whenever I'm feeling threatened.
So, I need to go do something that will give my networks enough work to calm them down and get them running smoothly again, while convincing my translator to do its job. Hm... guess it's time to go do that sewing project and make a start on one of the novels I have lying around. I also have some letters to write and paperwork to fill out, so that should keep me busy for a while.
As for the rest, the feeling of abandonment is never pleasant, and tends to leave lasting marks. I've been there, having lived a transient life in a trailer park where classmates, neighbors, and best friends disappeared every few years, with a mother who was always out at work or with friends, and a father who stopped coming home one day. Believe me when I say I know how that feels. I'm still really withdrawn when I deal with people, no matter how long I've known them. Even with family.
If I can't offer a solution, maybe there's some comfort in knowing that other folks have felt the same thing, and with time can work through it.
I think that in my case, it's almost too ingrained into my personality. It's... a long story, but I'll just say that it's been reinforced since my earliest years constantly through now that I'm going to be passed over, left behind, and thrown out over and over again by everyone I know. I'll usually be blamed for it, too.
I don't even know why. I thought it was because I have brown hair and eyes. Then it was because I was too smart for my own good. Then because I was bad at mathematics--I showed them, I have to say.
It just... happens.
It's a terrifying feeling, but as "dependencies" go, fish oil is nothing to be afraid of, if just a little concerned about.
I'm mostly annoyed, because every time I feel fine and stop taking the damned fish pills religiously, I'm okay for a few days and then I start having massive hilarious moodswings again. No hallucinations, though, which is a plus >_>
But regarding the thing with Rosewood and dreams, don't let your memories fool yourself. Dreams are like that, they're thoughts and feelings born out of illusory senses, and your mind can rewrite itself to make them mean something. You know why your relationship with that guy is over, don't let your subconscious try to make you doubt yourself.
It's not trying to make me doubt myself--it knows that every single facet of me hates him for what he stands for, what he did to me, and his life choices. I don't entirely know what it wants. I think it's just trying to tell me it happened again, and that I need to do something to make sure this stops happening. I just can't figure out what I'm supposed to do this time, because it doesn't know yet.
I know my subconscious will cough up instructions in time--good instructions, which will keep me safe and sound from both myself and the outside world. It's just that right now, it doesn't know what to do, so it's shuffling through the problem. My personal suspicion is that it's saying "get used to it, sweetheart, because this is clearly what your life is about right now and it's about time that you learned to work alone."
My subconscious is a tool :I
Thanks for the advice, you guys...
Author
Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9714460 times)