Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[JoshuaFH]

I woke up this morning wondering if the formative experiences surrounding my early childhood are in fact the real reason behind all my problems so deeply into adulthood. That I can rationalize and think and navel gaze all I like, but the real problem lays buried deep in my own subconscious, invisible to me no matter how deep my introspection, and that it is there where the primal beliefs that guide all my thoughts and actions and wants and needs and everything about me, like a malicious author writing out my life from a higher plane of existence that I can't interact with or fight against.

This line of thought isn't new, but its a reminder of something I've always feared, that my whole life was rigged from the start to be a failure. That the unhappiness, loneliness, and frustrating feeling of inevitability of it all was in fact determined right from the start and there was nothing that could be done, no other way it could have panned out, and that I actually can't fight back against it.

That's a lot of words to use to basically just blame my parents or the society that created me, but that's basically it.

[Iduno]

That's a lot of words to use to basically just blame my parents or the society that created me, but that's basically it.

I know I can blame my parents for me being broke-brained, but that doesn't actually help anything (except not feeling guilty never talking to them again).

Same as I can blame both the state and insurance lobbyists for making it legal to take money for insurance and still refuse to let me have my brain meds, but I still can't have them. And I can feel myself slipping, and it's terrifying.

[Yoink]

Perfectly good phone. Might as well just throw it in the trash.

If you don't want to buy a new one and assuming that other than the broken screen the phone works well, I would suggest lookinkg for an online guide on how to replace the broken parts and if there someone is selling them. Smartphones can be delicate things but assembling one from its pieces isn't that complicated.

I've fixed my phone's screen twice this way

Oh, I know, I know - a friend of mine has the same model of phone and has successfully replaced the screen on at least one occasion. Apparently replacements only cost $40 or so.
I'm just mad. Mad at myself, at my pyjamas, at the laws of physics and life in general.

[Arx]

Second day in a row I've forgotten my headphones. At least today the incredibly loud guy with the speech impediment isn't here (nothing personal against him - it's just that someone who talks constantly, loudly, and slightly jumbled-ly, and someone with a near-physical aversion to loud environment noise is a really bad combo), but there's still other people typing/eating/talking/closing doors/etc., and I just really miss my music.

Also my project is building up an apocalyptic mass of references, I'm slowly running out of literature to review, and the project that was supposed to get back to me about data access in the last four weeks is still utterly silent. Meanwhile, first draft due on Friday! I haven't written a single line of code.

[Great Order]

Loneliness is giving me a good beating again today.

The issue with it is that I want to reach out to my friends, but I know that'll cause more issues. They're all half a country away so I can't meet up with them, talking over text/phone won't help and will only accentuate the loneliness, and then it'll make them feel bad because they'll know I'm having issues but they can't do anything about it.

September can't come fast enough. This is the first time in my life I've looked forward to my holidays ending.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and the online CBT thing that I'm supposed to be doing? It feels like it's doing literally nothing. That makes it hard to keep up with it because when it feels useless (And I suspect it is useless. Everything about it is stuff I already know, or things that straight up don't work on me) it really demotivates me to work on it.

EDIT2: And now come the intrusive thoughts relating to suicide. I don't want to do it, but the past week and a bit I've been having the thoughts just pop into my head. It's more like my brain's checking up on how bad my mental state is by posing this question to me.

[NRDL]

It's hard for me to admit feelings of sadness, even in my own head. Feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, self-loathing, and anxiety for the future are always there.

I like to remind myself to actually let go and feel it. In situations where I'm interacting with other people, or when I'm distracted by my daily entertainments, I'm fine. I have plenty of tricks and coping methods in my head for dealing with overwhelming feelings. But the existential "despair", that idea that this will never go away until I'm dead, does still put a dampener on things.


I know that me not having or even coming close to getting the things I want ( more social activity with friends, romance, a meaningful career/profession/work that I'm proud of ) is entirely on me. And that all that's really standing in my way is me not wanting to leave my comfort zone, not wanting to change because a lot of my external life is actually really good right now.


But I can't change the parts of me and my situation that I'm not entirely okay with, if I keep being so afraid of failure that I don't even try anything.


I'm not sure if this is the first real post regarding my own sadness that I've made on this thread. It does make me feel a bit better.

[dragdeler]

-

[Great Order]

Today has generally been just a right old cunt of a day. Things have been going wrong. Things going wrong really stresses me out right now because I'm high on anxiety and depression today (Which is also causing me stress because that's basically like cognitive dissonance. I don't care and I care too much at the same time.). The intrusive thoughts have been coming and going like a fucking cat at a door.

Jesus fuck, I just want this to be over. This being basically every circumstance right now.

EDIT: You know, it's actually pretty hard to put into words precisely how sick and tired I am of all of this shit. It's the most sick and tired I've ever felt, and it's directed towards fucking everything. The online CBT that isn't working. The loneliness. The anxiety. The depression. Right down to me being sick and tired of this fucking room. The worst thing is, I know it's not going to be fixed by me vanishing to university for my next year, but my brain can't help but get hopeful that will be the end of it.

I'm just fed up with it all. If this keeps up for an extended period, I could genuinely see myself becoming suicidal because the only thing seemingly getting me through it right now is the idea that one day it'll all be over and I'll be back to how I was when I wasn't mentally ill.

[Jopax]

F for Rutger Hauer passing last week. Dude definitely left a mark, even if it isn't an obvious one, on cinema and the entertainment industry in general.

[hector13]

Genuinely saddened, if I saw a film with Rutger Hauer in it I’d be more inclined to watch it.

[Jopax]

So iNcontroL passed away last weekend too. Like, out of the blue, dude was barely forty. Goddamn, was one of the best SC2 casters and a genuinely fun dude.

[ChairmanPoo]

I'm finishing my contract and it's heartbreaking because of all the goodbyes I'm having to say. My colleagues were generally not that good to me, but I got overwhelming support from the nursing team, junior doctors, and patients. And it's breaking my heart to leave them behind.

But I have no choice 😒.  The other senior members of the team have been quite disrespectful to me. I'm convinced they never wanted me as an equal, they just wanted someone to reduce their workloads, an "au pair consultant" of sorts. ☹

I'm heartbroken because I didnt want any of this to happen. But I cannot work alongside people  after what happened

[wierd]

I'm finishing my contract and it's heartbreaking because of all the goodbyes I'm having to say. My colleagues were generally not that good to me, but I got overwhelming support from the nursing team, junior doctors, and patients. And it's breaking my heart to leave them behind.

But I have no choice 😒.  The other senior members of the team have been quite disrespectful to me. I'm convinced they never wanted me as an equal, they just wanted someone to reduce their workloads, an "au pair consultant" of sorts. ☹

I'm heartbroken because I didnt want any of this to happen. But I cannot work alongside people  after what happened

If the senior staff is that horrible, their facility will quickly become insufficient, and be shut down.  You don't get to dictate to reality, no matter how senior you are in your organization. Once you get the idea that you can, the end is coming for you. (If they are unwilling to accept new members, they are unwilling to accept new ideas, and that means the quality of care in their facility will become substandard in time. It's guaranteed. Also, the truly quality staff will not tolerate that kind of leadership, and will leave, like you have. That will result in inferior care, by inferior caregivers, in a compounding fashion.)

Keep practicing at the level of excellence you expect to have rendered to you if you were a patient. Treat your staff and colleagues with dignity and respect. Do well to your patients. As a healthcare provider, doing less than that should not be in your nature;  You are upset, because you care.


I wish you the greatest success and fulfillment in whatever new position you find yourself.

[Kagus]

This hotel has a dangerous shower: You can actually fully lie down when taking a shower instead of just sitting in the fetal position while crying yourself into a state of stability.

[wierd]

I understand that very few people actually use the tub portion if their lavatory fixtures for the purpose these days, but one you can completely lay down in is called a "Bath Tub", and it is a design FEATURE.


Back when manual labor was more prevalent, hot water soaks over the whole body were very therapeutic and relaxing, and were part of coming down from a day of hard labor.  More modernly, the practice persists in small portions of the population (myself included!) to help unwind from a very stressful day.

The purpose in either case is not to get clean; That is what the shower is for.  The purpose is to RELAX.  It's like a Jacuzzi, just without the bubbles.