@Joshua
No sir, that's all normal descriptions of normal-people anger, and normal coping methods thereof. Punching a thing so hard you break your hand is in fact NOT normal. Sounds like you are better adjusted. Frankly, anyone who pretends they haven't broken a thing in a fit of temper is a fibber. To put this in perspective, I am a person who most people seem to believe does not break my cool, ever. I am famous with people I have never even met for being the most chill person around. I have never broken my hand, but I have in fact punched an arm-sized chunk out of a punching bag in a red-tinged adrenaline-fuel murderous fury. None of those adjectives are figurative. This does not mean I am a bad person, it means I got angry that one time and broke something. People pretend that anger is a thing that doesn't happen to good people, but that's not how it works.
May I suggest volunteer work? I find that anything which has a measurable positive effect on other people will give your life meaning, however slight. A soup kitchen, even. I did work with people with severe disability, but I had extensive prior experience from Family. The thing is, substance is up to you to define. A life doesn't necessarily "gain" substance when you get a job, or buy a house, or get married, or win a Pulitzer. There are plenty of people for whom "substance" means living in the woods while contributing nothing to society and just fishing for the rest of their life.
Is there something you expected to have by now that you lack? I'm poor as balls, but I have a family. I didn't expect to be financially wealthy, and therefore I am not feeling a lack. The best starting point is: What do you feel, specifically, is missing?
I don't know. Perhaps a social life? All of my fantasies revolve around me having a friends, a girlfriend, an active and rich social life like how I imagine ordinary people have and "complain" about. But never at any point has the rest of the world stopped seeming unfriendly, uncaring, and insulated from me entirely. I don't want to say companionship, but even just people to hang out with seems inordinately difficult; and forget about ever meeting people whom I can relate with, those don't exist. I scream in my apartment, and I don't even get the pleasure of my neighbor coming down to tell me to shut the fuck up personally, I just get snitched on and management puts a notice on my door the next day. And now my frustration has a limiter on it because I have to be constantly vigilant of how much noise I'm making. I've complained about loneliness before, it just seems to be the thing that forces even minor irritations to explode into uncontrollable rage. I'm still emotionally drained from yesterday.
I've actually thought about volunteer work. I've actually had a tab open for Volunteermatch.org open in my browser, just sitting there for weeks, cause I want to get around to applying for something in there, but whenever I look at it I just feel divinely unqualified.
I bought a new controller this morning. The smart thing to do would be to just quit playing these games that make me so angry, but running away also seems reprehensible. I took my controller out of the trash, and looking at how smashed in and broken every part of it is, I just can't help but be ashamed of myself again.
I called my therapist again and left a message, though I honestly don't know what to say. I feel like the only reason I called her was so my subconscious could rest easy and let me sleep, cause I "did something to help the problem" my mind could rest easy and stop racing racing racing and just let me sleep. I'm honestly not even sure what she can do.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9526340 times)