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[JoshuaFH]

These things happen, try not to beat yourself up over it. Might still want to talk with your old therapist again, if you feel up to it.

Do you know roughly how many times a month/year you get those days?

I can't say for certain the exact number or ratio, but I was amazed recently at getting to experience 4-5 days in a row without any noticeable dip in my mood. Not happiness, just what felt like strong contentment. I was ecstatic over that, it was a bull market and it felt like my stocks were going up and I was gonna be a millionaire. That's attributable to my recent gym-goings, but I also feel like I have to take it seriously all the time, like, I have my first job that pays my apartment rent, and then I have my second job at the gym to pay the "Don't fuckin' self-destruct" rent.

[Kagus]

Might want to discuss the possibility of some minor medication with the therapist, all depending on what gets figured out about the episodes. Losing at least one day a week sounds awfully disruptive.

Not that they're necessarily the same kind of thing, but I used to have depressive micro-episodes about two to three times a month, lasting a day or two on average. After I started on SSRIs and got the dosage tweaked, the frequency went down to about 2-3 times a year. I don't miss them, personally.

[JoshuaFH]

Antidepressants... that seems to be society's cure-all. It's a topic I deliberately avoid because I don't want to be slyly insulting to their users, of which I'm sure many frequent this board, and exist in mass in the larger populace.

Though that is what a therapist of mine suggested, insisted, over and over again. To be honest, they fill me with an existential dread that makes me question what consciousness is, whether it's real, whether it has any value at all. I'll tell you what I told him: despite all my frequent, overwhelming, and recurring problems, I don't think there's anything wrong with me; atleast not anything that actually living healthily won't fix. Depression might be seen as a personal problem, but to me it's a symptom of the larger problem existing in society.

[hector13]

Double-Teamed in the Poop Chute By My Crippling Depression and Ennui, a new eroticella novella by Chuck Tingle.

I'm sigging this, you have no choice.

[JoshuaFH]

I apologize, I have to make another post, cause I can't take my mind off the antidepressant issue, and I've already downed something like a fifth of a bottle of zzzquil to help me sleep, and I NEED to sleep to be ready for work tonight, but I can't when I feel so troubled on the issue so I have to make my statement before my mind will calm down.

I say all I would need to do is live healthily, but am I? Not really. My sleep schedule is easily upset, my life is dull and boring, my nightshift job is dull and lonely to the extreme, I don't really have an friends or social life, and I generally am too cowardly and timid to fix any of that.

Would an antidepressant fix my innate timidity and cowardice because deep down I have no self-esteem and no feeling of emotional safety, preventing me from taking the risks that might fix that? I don't think so.

Would an antidepressant fix the guilt I'd feel if I quit my job, knowing that they'd be so hardpressed without me on the team?

Would it fix my sleep schedule? That I tangle with daily? I don't know.

Would it fix the mental echo of "I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die"? Would it make it any less true?

Not only that I'm disgusted with myself, but would it fix that I'm disgusted with society? That I know it doesn't accept me and I don't accept it right back? That that's why I'm the drop of oil in a big uncaring ocean? Because I WANT to be?

An antidepressant so much sounds like something to use to ignore all the underlying problems, which sounds so detestable when I feel SO justified!

I honestly don't know if this will actually help me sleep, god I hope so, I'm getting desperate.

[Ghills]

I apologize, I have to make another post, cause I can't take my mind off the antidepressant issue, and I've already downed something like a fifth of a bottle of zzzquil to help me sleep, and I NEED to sleep to be ready for work tonight, but I can't when I feel so troubled on the issue so I have to make my statement before my mind will calm down.

I say all I would need to do is live healthily, but am I? Not really. My sleep schedule is easily upset, my life is dull and boring, my nightshift job is dull and lonely to the extreme, I don't really have an friends or social life, and I generally am too cowardly and timid to fix any of that.

Would an antidepressant fix my innate timidity and cowardice because deep down I have no self-esteem and no feeling of emotional safety, preventing me from taking the risks that might fix that? I don't think so.

Would an antidepressant fix the guilt I'd feel if I quit my job, knowing that they'd be so hardpressed without me on the team?

Would it fix my sleep schedule? That I tangle with daily? I don't know.

Would it fix the mental echo of "I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die I deserve to die"? Would it make it any less true?

Not only that I'm disgusted with myself, but would it fix that I'm disgusted with society? That I know it doesn't accept me and I don't accept it right back? That that's why I'm the drop of oil in a big uncaring ocean? Because I WANT to be?

An antidepressant so much sounds like something to use to ignore all the underlying problems, which sounds so detestable when I feel SO justified!

I honestly don't know if this will actually help me sleep, god I hope so, I'm getting desperate.

The answers to 1, 2, and 4 are 'Yes, antidepressants would probably help with your compulsive suicidal impulses, self-doubt, self-blame and crippling fear. That's literally what they're designed to address, they're supposed to return brain chemistry to normal so those kinds of feelings can't overwhelm your ability to fix the long-standing issues in your life'.

They would also probably help with the sleep schedule, since a messed up sleep schedule is often a side effect of depression.

Self-respect is a longer term side effect of effective medical treatment, because once the chemical problems are corrected it's a lot easier to do things like create a healthy and interesting life.  Antidepressants are a tool to address biochemistry problems that create disordered thinking.  Sometimes they're a temporary intervention for dire circumstances, just like when someone breaks a bone and needs meds + cast.  Sometimes the brain chemistry is just permanently off and they need to be on medication for their life, just like asthmatics and most diabetics.

TL;DR  Yes, antidepressants would actually help with a lot of that.

ETA

This:

Antidepressants... that seems to be society's cure-all. It's a topic I deliberately avoid because I don't want to be slyly insulting to their users, of which I'm sure many frequent this board, and exist in mass in the larger populace.

Though that is what a therapist of mine suggested, insisted, over and over again. To be honest, they fill me with an existential dread that makes me question what consciousness is, whether it's real, whether it has any value at all. I'll tell you what I told him: despite all my frequent, overwhelming, and recurring problems, I don't think there's anything wrong with me; atleast not anything that actually living healthily won't fix. Depression might be seen as a personal problem, but to me it's a symptom of the larger problem existing in society.

If I had a dollar for every depressed person who said that, I'd be able to retire tomorrow.   Insisting that 'you just have to live healthier' and 'I don't think there's anything wrong with me' despite your obvious and self-avowed suicidal impulses and other issues, and feeling a deep-seated dread at the thought of a major active change like taking medication, is classic depression that can and should be treated.

Look, do you expect diabetics to live without insulin? Do you expect people with broken bones to avoid casts? Do you think someone with cavities should avoid dentists? No? Then why are you avoiding appropriate treatment for your medical condition?

[Kagus]

So, here's the thing... Putting a cast around a broken leg doesn't magically make the leg better. What the cast does is prevent you from repeatedly breaking the bone over and over again to prevent it from healing, and it also ensures that the leg remains straight and fairly immobile in order to improve the chances of the bone healing correctly.

It's entirely possible to heal a broken leg without a cast... Hell, it was the only option available back before we figured out how to do the whole plaster thing. But the cast makes the process a lot easier, safer, and more streamlined.

Yes, there are side effects. Casts get itchy. They get stuck on random objects, and they really just don't match any outfit... And some breaks really don't need a cast, because they wouldn't see much benefit from it.


And yes, antidepressants do tend to help with sleep.

Also, fuckin' ninjas.

[Ghills]

So, here's the thing... Putting a cast around a broken leg doesn't magically make the leg better. What the cast does is prevent you from repeatedly breaking the bone over and over again to prevent it from healing, and it also ensures that the leg remains straight and fairly immobile in order to improve the chances of the bone healing correctly.

It's entirely possible to heal a broken leg without a cast... Hell, it was the only option available back before we figured out how to do the whole plaster thing. But the cast makes the process a lot easier, safer, and more streamlined.

Yes, there are side effects. Casts get itchy. They get stuck on random objects, and they really just don't match any outfit... And some breaks really don't need a cast, because they wouldn't see much benefit from it.


And yes, antidepressants do tend to help with sleep.

Also, fuckin' ninjas.

Yeah, antidepressants don't automagically fix everything or alter personality or whatever. They're a medical tool that helps people deal with biochemistry that's off in certain ways.  And sometimes they're just a short-term thing while you fix your thinking habits and stop engaging in self-harm or destructive self-talk or however you got into the depression. Sometimes it's just an existential 'you got born with a weird brain' problem and you're on medication for life.

Also, to nitpick; broken bones were splinted and braced for thousands of years. Plaster casts were an advance and walking casts are amazing but the principles of setting and immobilizing were around for ages.  Being able to see how the break looks internally without surgery, and then to perform surgery safely if necessary, were the real advances in bone medicine. /has broken way too many bones

[Kagus]

Stop ruining my poignant analogies!

[JoshuaFH]

I want to clarify that the "I deserve to die" thing isn't a suicidal impulse. It's just something I've been thinking for maybe 15 years now. That sounds absurd, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

But I've had to call into work, because I've been lying down for hours, my heart racing and mind going nonstop the whole time, and I know I won't survive my shift on just less than three hours of sleep.

I can't really formulate a rebuttal at the moment to what's been said, I just know I resent the idea of taking meds. I feel like if I turn my back on my own mind, that even my mind doesn't know what it's talking about, that seems feels like the truest loneliness there is. That in taking meds, I'm acknowledging I'm just a brainless fucking animal ruled over by chemicals, misaligned by forces far beyond my control, and that such a life doesn't have any kind of value whatsoever, and I'd have paradoxically defeated myself in my fight to take back my own life.

I'm really fucked up right now, I can't really think. I'm sickened with myself that I had to call in, there's no reason I couldn't fall asleep, it feels like my body just spontaneously forgot how to sleep. How stupid.

[scourge728]

I hate to be that guy, but you DID already take medicine, that sleeping stuff

[Doomblade187]

Please don't take multiple bottles of zzzquil/melatonin things. Melatonin can have interactions with depression, and isn't supposed to get into super high dosages.

[martinuzz]

That, and melatonin messes up your sleep schedule even more.

[Kagus]

Well, to be fair, we mess with our brain's chemistry all the time with caffeine, alcohol, relationships... even chocolate.

An important thing to remember is that the body and the mind are inherently connected. It's not really helpful to think of things separately, like "this is a physical illness" and "this is a mental illness", so "this is body medicine" vs. "this is brain medicine". You already know this, because you're trying to treat your emotional responses with exercise and a healthy diet (which does help! Keep it up!).

You're no less of a person for having your mind be affected by chemical imbalances. It's just how things work; there are a lot of moving parts making up the bigger picture, and keeping them in shape allows the whole thing to actually be that bigger picture effectively.

You can't make a painting without paint, but paint itself is not a painting. The meaning and significance in the painting's imagery remains the same, but the process is so much easier when you're not using lumpy paint.


Also, RE: melatonin: Yeah, what they said.

[Yoink]

Visiting family.
On the one hand, it was nice at first to finally be able to relax a bit, considering how stressed I've been lately... but I get waited on a fair bit, there are videogames on offer and I just get lazier and lazier and lazier and lazier and it brings out the worst, most childish aspects of my personality and I just hate myself more and more and more and more.
Also, this town that my mother+brother recently moved to (out of desperation after struggling to find a place somewhere nicer)? Awful. Simply awful. What a wasteland.

My mother and I sort of play a game, trying to spot people who look like they might have at least some ounce of personality amongst the rednecks. There rarely are any, but when you do make a sighting it is rather exciting. That's probably the only real entertainment in this place, apart from visiting the various waterfowl at a nearby lake

I don't think I'd ever seen a swan up close before, let alone black swans. They're pretty cute. To bring this back to Sad territory, though, it's upsetting to see how little respect or appreciation the locals have for these creatures. They show up at the park and let their kids run around chasing and attacking them. Ugh.

...You know, when we (it was before I moved out for the first time) moved to the previous town my mother lived in, I felt pretty much the same way about it at first. It was this horrid place that, on the occasions we'd had to visit over the years, seemed to be profoundly depressing. I've kind of watched it blossom over the last few years, growing into a bustling town with a lot of character - but I think it had a lot more going for it than this place to begin with.
Also, it's not so far away from everything, which is probably a big reason for this place being how it is.


Anyway, enough about the town I'm in. It hardly matters where I'm stuck, just that I am. I need to sort out my payment today, so that I can hopefully get paid on the weekend. ...I was going to explain, but it got all long-winded and boring and unnecessary. Suffice it to say, I have actual tangible things to stress about, too,  not just my ever-increasing laziness and self-loathing.
At least I've been buying lots of books and have the world's comfiest armchair in my room.


@Josh: yeah, sleep schedules can be a doozy, man. Don't panic. I know how you feel, it's annoying but there's nothing to be gained by panicking and blaming yourself for your failure to sleep.
I would recommend taking a coupla tall cans of energy drink to work (it's what I always to in this situation), but I've no idea how well you handle your caffeine.
I'd offer to share my tips and tricks on grappling with sleep patterns, but I'm pretty sure you'd have read them already.