Had a mental breakdown the night before and still feeling the after effects of it. Mostly came on due to work putting in a new system that makes me upset, parents are drunk most of the time now, post-breakup depression hitting me still after four months, sleep deprivation and a nasty infection on my finger that has thankfully went away by now.
All that together caused my mind to go all fucked up and seeing that the only way to get through this slump is to cut off all ties to my ex, including mutual friends (one of which is my best friend). I get now that its a really stupid thought, but in my fucked up state, the logic was that they'll keep inviting her to group events because we're a circle of friends. Because I still have deeply embedded feelings for my ex, I can't be her friend because I'll have that desire to win her over again, but knowing that I won't because that's not how life works.
Despite wanting to get over her, for some unexplained and fucked up reason, I can't seem to. Demonizing her won't work because my mind sees her flaws and says "That's fine". As much as I try to forget her, my mind unconsciously thinks about her when I'm not really thinking or drifting off trying to sleep (which leads to sleep deprevation because I start to feel awful). And I can't just ostracize her from my group of friends because they're all she's got being a heavy introvert (and I really don't want to stoop to that level of asshole for the sake of my sanity. It will only make me feel worse).
If I was to remove myself from my group of friends to do this, I would be cutting off my best friend and a guy who relies on our circle of friends for his sanity. And, I hate to say this, but I'm too selfish to do so. I love my friends, and I don't want to leave them.
I realize now, a day later, this is all just a fucked up image of what my mind goes to when I lose it, and the logic it goes through when I break down.
Its really hard trying to work through each day and not hear something, do something or see something that reminds me of her or our time together. Throw on top of that, my coworkers are telling me either "just get over her" like its nothing or suggesting that I find someone else to just take my mind off of it (my mother a firm believer of the latter and tells me it often when she's plastered). It doesn't help when I try to talk about it with my friends just to vent my feelings to, they don't have anything to say on it because they can just get past it unlike me. I get my addict personality/mindset causes me to deal with heightened emotions, but this is ridiculous...
Ironically, school is the least of my concerns because its really easy right now. Unfortunately, I can't use the extra time to work on myself to get better because, as I said, nothing seems to be working. Not asking for advice, not asking for sympathy, just venting because, as Binding of Isaac puts it, Everything is Terrible
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9510072 times)