I've hit that stage of adulthood that I've often criticized other people for for much of my life until now.
I rarely have any desire to do anything that requires effort when I have time to do things.
And it really fucking bothers me. It's one more fade in the hope that I'll ever claw my way out of the life I've found myself in. A compounding effect.
Hey, don't beat yourself up. That's of no use to you.
Sometimes our attention gets split: our energy gets sapped by the situation we find ourselves in, and the work we take on. We only have so much willpower and energy in our tanks. It's a precious resource, and a lot of people want it from us. Keep it safe, and be sure it's ultimately going toward the things you find worthwhile.
If you're running out of reserves, there's ways to be smarter about that energy that might be worth trying out. Maybe that means a new job, or setting boundaries with people you care about, or seeking ways to change your responsibilities. Or other things only you can know, since you're better acquainted with yourself than me, or anyone else.
It's silly to write yourself off like that, too. Not knowing how to change your situation, or being afraid to do things you need to do... these aren't the same thing as having no way to do that. Whether it's ideal or it's the right thing to do, there are always ways forward. We just need to realize what they are, and pick the one that we like best.
You'll find a way. Just keep it up.
Not beating myself up, so much as just upset at the situation in general.
Not really any way to free myself up any more, either.
No way I'll find another job any time soon making what I do now, for various reasons. I really lucked out on a very specific set of circumstances to land the position and pay that I did. But it's an extremely demanding position, and the pay was enough to save us but not to free us. Maybe in a year or two.
Can't set any further personal boundaries, because I already feel like I neglect my family and I rarely see any friends.
Just waiting to build up experience where I am enough to take me somewhere else, without taking a serious paycut. Though the industry I'm working in is fucking miserable pretty much everywhere (freight forwarding/logistics). Or see if my wife manages to make something significant of it when she gets a job.