There's a feeling that's always nagging me, I'd say every day now, a feeling that everything in life is a joke. That everything, in some way, is pretentious and insinuating something: that life is pointless, and everything action, any amount of care placed into anything, even your thoughts, even the very act of living itself, is a joke and caring about it is a waste of effort and feeling. A very faux-Nietzsche-y thing I know.
It's actually a feeling I've been harboring since my grade school years, but I suppose it's only now that I've bothered to place it into words, though I suppose that's more for me not being able to articulate the feeling rather than not trying to, cause I have been trying. I even think I first picked up the idea watching a cartoon, and hearing a character respond to another very incensed character "Who CARES?" and while that character was clearly just written to be an asshole, I'd been thinking about it ever since. Who really does care, and why should they care?
This feeling has been more and more poignant as, while my living conditions have improved and my general mood has proportionally improved and I'm not crushed by depression (as much) recently and in fact I'm feeling pretty good and contented with life recently, I still struggle to find the motivation in life, to do something greater than just existing. I still feel troubled though whenever I set out to actually do something productive and useful with myself, rather than relieved or glad or proud of myself, I feel that something is seriously wrong, that I'm upsetting the natural order of the universe by giving a fuck about anything. That having accomplishments mean nothing. That acquiring a skill or knowledge is pretentious. That finding love is pointless because humans are trivial and nothing special, and so are their feelings and futures.
This is the thought that weighs down my decision making I feel, a lot of the time. The most recent example would be me at a kind of dance-exercise class at the YMCA, and while it was fun and engaging, I found it very hard to get into it fully, my mind taking it upon itself to instead become absorbed its own thoughts about the seeming futility of it.
Sorry Soli if I'm not directing responding to you, I'm more just saying what's on my mind, cause I feel I need to say it.