Hrm, i'm rather tired right now (which is not unexpected), which is probably fucking with my mood as usual, but i sometimes find myself wondering if there's something wrong or outright broken deep down inside me. Like, i've managed to build a decent-looking structure on top of a cracked base of support, and at some point it might all come crashing down rather spectacularly if i don't manage to keep it together. It also kind of shows whenever i try to imagine what my "essence" would look like: a mostly white wispy ball with a nasty black splotch on it. It ALSO kind of showed during group therapy: We were doing an exercise where we, with closed eyes, would imagine/visualize taking all the anxiety and accompanying feelings out of ourselves, and having a good look at it. What i saw was a half-rotten, pulsating cancer tumor the size of a soccer ball. Out of all the visualizations of various aspects of myself that i've thought about, that is BY FAR the nastiest.
I'm pretty damn sure that i wasn't born like that. As mom says, i used to be a happy, outgoing and energetic kid with friends that i'd both visit and get visited by. Sure, i was also naive and prone to not considering what would happen when i did things, but that's not unusual for kids. I'm still a decently happy and optimistic dude for the most part, but "outgoing" and "energetic" have damn near been stripped from my personality, and likewise have i not been super hot on the idea of visiting or being visited ever since leaving the hell of elementary school. I think one major turning point in that regard was when one of my (now former) good friends suddenly decided to betray me and switch sides, becoming one of the biggest assholes in the class towards me. There are many things that i'm willing to forgive in due time, but that? That just hurt too much, and all the fun we've had together only made it so much worse. The number of people i've voluntarily brought into my home since then can be counted on one hand (add two to that number if you count "has seen my house in person"). I guess i'm just afraid of being stabbed in the back again if i let people get too close to me (... plus i'm a bad host, but that's beside the point).
I'm also irrationally scared of fucking up. I mean sure, not many people like fucking up, but to me it's often so bad that i'd rather not attempt the thing to begin with, or, if i initially did well with the thing but then fucked up, i'll be scared of trying again. I'd say that this boils down to my usual fear of rejection, but the fact is that i'm afraid of fucking up even with my own things that aren't necessarily even going to be seen by others. I'm EVEN MORE afraid of fucking up on things that are actually for other people, because then it's not just me suffering under my potential failure. It's crippling, it's really fucking crippling. How am i supposed to get ahead in this world if i'm so afraid of failure? :/
and now i shall go to bed because way too tired to keep rambling